Meeting My Little Girl

I have gotten hypnotized a few times recently... trying to get in touch with stuff locked in my subconscious that I am too heavily defended to allow myself to get in touch with.

Now, I am a skeptic but I thought I would TRY something "out of the box" and different. I was skeptical about acupuncture and it has been one of the BEST pain relievers EVER. I was skeptical about kinesiology and likewise, it has been miraculous when my back pain flares up. So I have learned to at least give things the benefit of the doubt.

I don't FEEL hypnotized when I am under... and yet the FEELINGS and the physical reaction to the feelings are so different and so intense... I KNOW I am clearly tapping into SOMETHING. It has really been the only time in my entire life when I have seen my "little girl". I have always read or been told about the 'inner child' work and have never been able to see my little girl or to relate to her if I could picture the face of that little girl I have seen in old photos... I CERTAINLY do not relate to her as ME. But for the first time I did. I saw her and I knew her and I cared about her and I KNEW it was me. I could lovingly caress her little head and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

This week, the hypnotherapist (not my normal Dr.) had me go back to a time when I first felt I didn't have value or worth. I couldn't do it. She had me mentally go down a hallway and picture doors with my ages on them and go into the door with the age on it when I first felt those feelings. I walked down the hallway in my mind and somehow knew it was age 3. My little girl could not go in. I tensed up. My chest tightened. I couldn't breathe. SO WEIRD! I couldn't go in. (When the therapist told me that I am a grown up now and nothing behind that door can hurt me now, I started CRYING! - I have no idea what I am afraid of but man, does it feel powerful!) She asked if grown-up me could come alongside little girls me and if we could go together. That was better but when grown up me said we could go in together and that I would protect Little Girl, I discovered little girl me did not trust grown up me. This makes sense because I have not been very gentle, acknowledging, or protecting of the little girl at all. I have tried to ignore and disown her my whole life. No wonder she isn't ready to rush into believing I am trustworthy!

Eventually, she took my hand and walked me deeper into the room. It was like the woods with tall trees and sun dappled shade. I thought I saw a rabbit hutch maybe? Art supplies? (My conscious mind remembered my mom telling me she had dropped me and my brother off at a baby sitter when we were little and I think I recalled there were maybe woods involved? - Am I just thinking of things I have been told and trying to fill in the blanks???) So I can't go any further or see anything of value, BUT there were tons of feelings involved... again, tight chest, shallow breathing, rigid body. I did NOT want to go.

So the therapist had me take my little girls to my 'safe place' (caribbean beach!). We laid there together and I asked her if she couldn't SHOW me, could she tell me. She said "bad man". And grown up me instantly thought "no... that's ridiculous... that's just what I THINK I should be saying or remembering" (Again - am I just thinking of things and trying to fill in the blanks?). Well, you can imagine, Little Girl didn't feel to heard or protected so she clammed right up. Of COURSE she did! I had promised to protect her and take care of her but I didn't. The first chance I was give, I didn't listen to her and discounted her. I stopped and tried again. "There is a bad man? What did he do?" She didn't tell me but I tried. Baby steps. I ended with just being nice to her and trying to show her that I can be a safe place for her and that I WILL protect her.

This week I am supposed to get a picture of her and put it in a locket and wear it all the time to remind me that she is always with me and I need to protect her. I would also like to try to be mindful of being nice to her and extra gentle with her this week and we'll see if next time I get hypnotized she will trust me more! Its a tough thing because I don't really want to face and feel whatever is lurking hidden... and yet I do... and I feel like I am ready... well at least more ready than I have ever been. Scared but excited and hopeful (and yes, still skeptical.)