Silly.
Not wise.
Writing is good for me and keeps me honest.
We were a little under the weather.
Things have been going ok (status quo).
I've been kinda melancholy - generally, for no reason other than just the usual.
Busy.
Lazy.
You know.
Mr. M asked me to go to an open AA meeting last night. It is a co-ed speaker meeting. They usually have really top notch circuit speakers. Last night it was a fill-in... kinda mediocre... but everyone's story is unique and personal and therefore valuable and special.
Mr. M has been wanting me to go for a LONG time and evenings are tough because we still have kids at home... when HE goes to meetings, I am here, at home, holding down the fort.
I have been away a long time and I noticed a lot of things:
I am over-all still very attracted to alcoholic men! I was hoping all my years of therapy were curing me and my "picker" would be getting healed so I would be more attracted to healthy guys.
AA still reminds me a LOT of church; it has its own language, there is still an "in crowd", people KNOW the culture and understand the "rules".
I LOVE the people watching... it is SO good! This meeting has all ages. It is a very "hip & cool" crowd... a little of a "pick up" meat market... good looking people flirting like crazy.
I am sanguine and a people-pleaser to the bone and even though this was a rare gig for me, I wanted to meet with people and connect and say "hi" and make friends and have people like me!
I truly love the program and the LIVES it gives people back... maybe for the first time!
I noticed about myself, combining the "in crowd" and the people watching, and my people pleasing, that I still notice and CARE that I belong and am accepted and am "part of".
There was a whole row of teen girls behind us and they whispered and giggled and chit- chatted throughout the whole meeting (during the speaker) and I was hyper aware that it was bugging Mr. M's sponsor and that it was rude... I was able to (mostly) just release it and not worry about Sponsor or Girls and just keep MY side of the street clean (practicing acceptance).
Likewise, there was a drunk kid (maybe 20ish) there and he was talking loudly and laughing loudly, inappropriately and even mockingly at the speaker... MANY, this agitated me! But Alcoholics are pretty tolerant of this behavior... they have a lot of grace because they were all in this guy's shoes once (including the speaker, of course), so no one cared and his friends kinda kept him in line, so again, it wasn't MY business! (Imagine that! ;)
Also, it was a GREAT reminder to hear the speaker and to appreciate HIS story and lessons and message even though he wasn't a marquis-level speaker.
Good stuff! All great things to experience and notice. I was glad I went.
I'm glad that you went too. Some meetings are healthier than others. Those that regularly have step, BB, and speaker meetings are generally good because the primary purpose of the program seems to hold at those. I find it really annoying when there is "bar behavior" still going on. But like you wrote, it is none of my business. The AA's can handle their own. I would muddle the waters for sure.
ReplyDeleteThis is so great! I can completely relate to your view of the whole scene! And the girls talking and pissing off the sponsor, I would've been squirming uncomfortably.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you were able to get out and enjoy the meeting with Mr. M. Sounds like you are both doing well!
And the attraction to alcoholic men...I don't know if there's anyway to kick that! They're just too damn compelling. Sigh.