Playing With Fire (Part 2)

I am not planning to have an affair... this is not in my nature. But I AM vulnerable and sad and lonely and scared and needy. Since this is my online "diary"... I get out all my crap; embarrassing, inappropriate, immature, selfish though it may be.

For a little background on this particular situation, you can read "Playing with Fire" Part 1 here.

Otherwise, here is what happened in this last month.

Dec 22

I got a text from older, married client (OMC): "Hope you have a nice Christmas."

Me: "Thanks. You too! I hope it is full of love & fun."

Then nothing until

January 16

When I get text: "I hope you are starting the New Year off well."

Me: "So far, so good! Just got back from a lovely weekend in the bay area. (I love it up there!) Did you AND THE FAMILY have a good holiday"? (Emphasis added here only... but SEE, I am TRYING to bring up the family!)

OMC: "We did (mostly), I like the bay area also. I return Jan __, I expect a full report about your new wine world."

Me: "That's a long trip... where ARE you?

And of course, Sensei... But I can tell you in 2 words: 'pinot noir'. Mmmmmm! ;)

OMC tells me where he is and why he is gone so long.

I ask if he is doing some wedding planning with his daughter.

OMC: "Yes to the wedding stuff. Yes to the films, and yes to pinot noir"

Me: :)

Jan 31

OMC calls.

I ignore.

I text later (it could've been a work call, after all): "You're home! How was it all? Sorry I missed your call... in meetings..."

OMC: "We'll catch up over a glass of wine. Do you have any time for me?"

Me: "Absolutely. What about you, Traveler?"

OMC: "Miss you"

I tell him to set something up.

DEFENDING MYSELF: I have never initiated with him.

OWNING MY PART: But I HAVE responded and flirted back.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!

I am terrified and guilty and yes, enjoying it.

I am probably making more of it than it is. But to ME - no matter WHAT it is for OMC - this is a BIG deal!

I do not DO things like this!

I am a good girl.

I am moral and obedient and a pleaser.

I am just SO darn vulnerable.

As I said before, I am enjoying being DESIRED and sought after and pursued.

WHAT ARE HIS MOTIVES?:

I tell my self that he has never done anything like this before either.

I tell myself he is equally scared and wimpy and it probably won't result in anything on his end either.

I vacillate between this and the fantasy that it WILL develop into something and I will say "I am not an 'affair-having' kind of girl" and that if he is really unhappy in his marriage, he should get through his daughter's wedding then leave his wife. Separately. If that is where he is going, he would need to choose that first. Then we could maybe see if there is something there... they would need to be entirely separate. In my fantasy, it is all morally acceptable because we do NOT have an affair... we are 2 divorced people who decide to see if we can make something work. [Keep in mind that I am not even actually attracted to him and his is 16 years older than me!!! Yet I am planning our marriage 3 years from now! I totally SEE that this is just a distraction from my pain and loneliness for 10 minutes, so bear with me, I am just journaling - a peek into the CRAZY inner workings of my whacked out brain!]

But it is JUST as likely that the reality is he could be a guy who does this all the time and is just having fun. (OMC is acting like it is no big deal, nothing to hide... but I doubt he is showing his wife his regular texts and "I miss you's" to me. - Which brings up a possible option: Maybe I can try something like "It is so good to have a FRIEND like you!"... something like that... since HE is acting like it is nothing and no big deal, I can too! Maybe then it will dissipate - no harm/no foul...)

Maybe he is just looking for a safe and easy roll in the hay and he sees I am fragile with no defenses. However, I am not a "roll-in-the-hay" kinda girl. I have been devotedly, loyally married to one absent alcoholic/addict for almost 24 years. I have never done anything even remotely inappropriate in all that time. (In fact, I tell Mr. M EVERYTHING, so it is soooooooo weird to keep this secret from him... I find myself wanting to tell him all the time!)

So I don't know what OMC is looking for in this and I don't know if he is sleazy, or vulnerable (like me), or somewhere in between. But I DO know that I am on thin ice:

* I am feeling totally apathetic toward Mr. M

* I am just stuck in the HABIT of being married to him

* I am stuck in fear of the unknown

* I am stuck in guilt abut my kids - how devastated they would be if I left and how much they count on ME told hold everything together

* I am stuck in guilt about what poor Mr. M will do if I leave him (oh, the hubris of my grandiosity! "he'll DIE without me!" - when he'll probably be just fine and maybe even thrive - oh, wouldn't that just KILL me???),

* I have a lot of fear that no one will love me and want me if I leave Mr. M. (I will end up alone and sad and bitter and Mr. M will stay sober, meet 20 year old hot and firm Fifi and she will live happily ever after the life I wanted!)

All not super great reasons to stay married. And all reasons I am even MORE vulnerable than usual. I shouldn't even be PLAYING this game but I am not quite willing to give it up yet.

(If it makes anyone feel any better, I have told two "live" friends so they can hold me accountable.)

So again, I BEG:

God, can I for once not have to be the Guardian of Morality???

Can I please just be weak and vulnerable and can OMC please decide this is not right? He is married. He is a moral guy (at least everything I know about him has led me to believe he is).

Or can GOD please stop it and protect me from myself and OMC?

I am TIRED and lonely and sad and bereft and VULNERABLE.

This is a little treat that feels SO nice... a guilty pleasure. I am telling myself I am just indulging harmlessly.

If you are the praying type, I would love some prayer for:

* OMC to be drawn to his wife and her to him... for healing and wholeness in their marriage... for him to back off.

* For ME to be strong and NOT vulnerable and NOT drawn into this.

* BUT, I need the above things to happen while still protecting the BUSINESS relationship! At this point, I NEED to keep OMC's business to pay my bills... so I need an exit strategy from this flirtation while keeping the business part in tact, if possible... OR a replacement of income in some way.

* For me to be clear about my next steps with Mr. M... but that they would be made independent of ANY "feelings" for anyone else.

* That I would make the next best steps for ME - not based in all the fear and "stuckness" I wrote about above.

* That God protects me from me!!!!!!

Thanks!