Guilty

I have not been posting for a long time.

I have just started to realize how much this is SOOOOO part of MY sickness as the wife of an alcoholic.

When he is doing bad, I am doing bad.

I start a secret, anonymous blog to pour out my heart and my angst and my fears and my devastation.  It is my journal that my kids can't stumble upon hidden in a drawer or under the bed.  My friends can't find it and gasp at my fantasies or unbalanced thoughts.  My qualifier (Mr. M) can't find it and know how I fantasize about my life without him.  It feels real and true.  I don't have to censor myself because I don't have to have a facade because no one knows who I am.  No persona.  No mask.  Just me.  Feels good.  Feels true.  Feels maybe even a little bit healthy.

Then Mr. M gets sober.

I let him start coming around.  

I hug him.  I let him start hugging me.

I let him have sleepovers.

We go to amusement parks and the beach and even *gasp* vacation.

I start a new family blog with pictures of all the new happiness and beauty we are creating.

I am living in a fantasy land, sucking all this up... lapping it up... rolling around and wrapping myself in it.

I SO want it to be real.

I SO want it to last.

I am SO afraid because I KNOW how temporary it can always be.

I am blessed to be able to give my kids a few more months or years with their Dad and not give up.  They are all blossoming.

But if I let myself THINK about it, I am afraid it is nothing but a house of cards.

My desire to be in denial and just enfold myself in this 10 month period of sobriety - where Mr. M is not perfect, but he is present and available and loving and strong - is all-encompassing.  I think that's why this journal is lying dormant. 

 If I come to it and log in with my secret email address and my secret name & password, then I am remembering and looking at the reality of what my life was (is) just 10 short months ago and I am forced to see how - with the sip of a drink - it would be right back there.

Would I regret this delicious period of denial?  

I can't answer that yet.

And I don't want to go back and read any old posts to see.

I DO know that I am still in therapy and progressing slowly (snail's pace, in my mind), but I DO see and feel changes... but I am not very brave... I am slow and hesitant and scared.  I want to be braver.  I want to trust more and love fully and not live to protect myself from real or imagined pain.

If temporary, my time of bliss is still real.  My kids' happiness is real.  But this... this alcoholic marriage is still real too and I need to not forget it.

Political Trick or Treat

Therapy Day 10.21.08

Dr. has been seeing me for just $25 a session (a DEEP discount from his usual $150). I am grateful for this. I needed it when I first started seeing him! Now, things have gotten less scary financially... I have some cushion (for today)... I can afford to pay more. Therapy is valuable for me. I have just started paying $65 an hour to have hair electrocuted off my chin so I don't become a bearded lady!

If I can pay $65 to have needles stuck individually into each hair follicle and have electrical current shot into them to kill hair for my vanity, then surely, I can come up with $65 to pay for an hour with Dr. for my mental health! I am going to cut down on my electrocution appointments and start paying Dr. $65.

I feel good about paying more... and although I don't know that I could EVER justify $150 an hour in my budget, I don't want Dr. to think that I don't think he is worth that much. I told him I felt guilty because of this. He told me he didn't need me to validate him because he knows what he's worth.

This gave me pause.

I don't know if my feelings were hurt because he didn't need that from me (and what good am I if someone doesn't need that from me?).

Or was I sad because I do not know my worth and that was such a stark contrast?

Things to think about.

Election '08

I do not want my alcoholic marriage blog to be political or religious.

It is more about:

• my very personal journey through codependency, 
  
• my spiritual journey, 
  
• how I deal with my human-ness(temptations, discouragement, doubts, fears) in the face of my desire to follow God's will and be all that I believe He wants me to be,
  
• my pains and heartbreaks and hopelessness in being married to a chronic relapser,
  
• sprinklings of stories from my childhood,
  
• dashes of recipes to warm your tummy and soul,
  
• strange insights into myself,
  
• a chronicle of my therapy,
  
• snippets of parenting/kid stories
  

                                         

That said, I feel that as we progress toward the election, I MUST say a few words.  

I find myself NOT wanting to watch TV or read the news. 

I just want it to be over and to know our fate.  

I am distressed by our media's obvious bias.  

I am saddened by our vote for the popular, the charismatic, and the slogan instead of the TRUTH.  

I am disheartened by our country's fall from standing up for what is RIGHT.  

Even so-called "Christians" are compromising and siding with people who believe it is OK to kill a baby in the 7th-9th month of pregnancy.  

Where has common decency gone?  

Where have our morals gone?  

Where has our commitment to remembering the non-negotiables gone?

A questions has recently arisen about Obama's birth certificate.

I am not saying these concerns are true, but I am saying that IF there are legitimate concerns about ANY candidate's (from ANY party) citizenship status, wouldn't you think the candidate would want to be accountable to the American public and SHOW us that there is not ground for concern?

I asked this recently in an email and sent it out to my voting friends of all persuasions.

the reactions surprised me (although I guess they shouldn't have).

No Obama voters wanted the truth.

They all said it was a smear campaign against him.

PERIOD.

Since when did asking a QUESTION become a "smear tactic"?

I feel like we live in comunism/socialism  (see definitions below) already!

Yikes!

COMMUNISM - As a political movement, communism is a more radical branch of the broader socialist movement. The communist movement differentiates itself from other branches of the socialist movement through their wish to completely do away with all aspects of market society under the final stage of the system and their focus on the international working class as key in that revolution. 
FACISM - A social and political ideology with the primary guiding principle that the state or nation is the highest priority, rather than personal or individual freedoms.  A political movement that believes in an extreme form of nationalism: denying individual rights, insisting upon the supremacy of the state, and advocating one-party rule with ultimate authority resting in the hands of an elite few.
SOCIALISM - An economic system in which the basic means of production are primarily owned and controlled collectively, usually by government under some system of central planning.

Well, it will all be over soon. 

One way or the other.

Meals for the Broken-Hearted

When Mr. M went off the deep end this last go 'round, some nice "church ladies" brought my family meals.
Thoughtful.
And a good idea since I couldn't bring myself to make anything at all... I personally lived on cigarettes & diet coke (don't tell Pastor :o) and didn't see why my kids should need to eat over and over again... "Didn't I just feed you yesterday?"

And Vegetables?
My poor kids didn't see one for MONTHS at a time... our best shot was a small salad at El Pollo Loco.
But I am betting on the fact that when I get to heaven, God will assuage my guilt and let me know that Ketchup is indeed a vegetable.

Like the meals you get when you have a baby or when you have surgery, alcoholic husband meals tend to be lasagna or other "red" italian meals or "cream of" soup casseroles.  Don't get me wrong, I am a grateful recipient... but a little variety wouldn't hurt, would it?

A friend of mine makes this dish... and brought it as a "losing your home" meal to one of our foreclosure friends and they RAVED about it... I wish she would've brought it to me as a "sorry your hubby is drinking again" meal.  

Hmmm... Maybe next time.

Monterey Chicken

Chicken
6 thin boneless, skinless chicken breasts
4oz can of diced green chilies
8oz pkg of shredded monterey jack cheese
1/4 c. shredded parmesan cheese
1 envelope of " orginal" Shake n' Bake
1 tsp. chili powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. pepper
6 TBS butter, melted

Tomato sauce - 

Cook all ingredients in a small sauce pan until boils and is slightly thickened.
1 15oz can of tomato sauce
1/3 c. onions, diced
1/2 tsp. cumin
salt and pepper to taste
hot pepper sauce (optional), I use 2-3 drops

Combine Shake n' Bake crumbs, parm. cheese, chili pwdr., cumin, salt, and pepper. 

Dip chicken in melted butter then roll in crumb mixture. Place in a baking dish. Layer diced green chilies and then monterey jack cheese on top of each chicken breast. Drizzle any remaining butter around the edges of the chicken. Bake at 400 for 25-40 minutes- depending on how thick your chicken breasts are. Serve with tomato sauce (some like sour cream and limes too.) I like to pair these types of meals with a salad, refried beans, and tortilla chips. Enjoy :)

Foreclosed

Yesterday Mr. M and I went over to our friends' home to help them pack and to hug them as they sobbed.  

The sheriff had appeared last Thursday to serve them with an eviction notice.

Sad and devastating under ANY circumstances... the heartbreaking twist here is that Wifey knew and had been hiding it for MONTHS (and helped create it).  Hubby was completely in the dark... shocked and flabbergasted!  

I was packing in the garage.  I walked over to Hubby's workbench.  My eyes filled with tears.  This was not the workbench of someone who knew he would be moving and was preparing to move.  It was the workbench of someone who thought he would be there for a long time.   They have a LOT more to work on than just losing their house (and all their equity - a lifetime of work and savings, lost at 40 years old).

I do not want ANYONE to be as miserable as I have been in my alcoholic marriage... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But wow, do people suddenly have more understanding, mercy, grace, and gratefulness!  (And where did the pity and maybe even tiny bit of judgement or "we are better than you" look in their eyes go?)   People suddenly realize what kind of love, support, and help we could have used in OUR tough time when we show up to help them in theirs.

Mr. M found himself teary and emotional all day.

He was sad for our friends.

He was also sad for us.

He saw the devastation the lying and betrayal can bring.

He had never seen his friend cry... and he wasn't just crying, he was sobbing.

UPDATE: My Friend's Boyfriend

Months ago, I wrote a post called My Friend's Boyfriend.  In it, I talked about my recently divorced friend and my jealousy over her post-marriage relationships that "light up" her "soul".

This is an update.

I have not talked to her in a long time (Guilty note to self: call her and go to lunch) but Mr. M saw her.  He said she was kind of depressive and melancholy.  

Apparently soul light boyfriend cheated on her.

I am NOT glad about this.

I am tremendously sad for her.

However, 2 things:

#1 - I DO think there CAN be a valuable lesson in this for her!  Sometimes all the fantasy and soul lighting up are just lust.  Sometimes it is good to wait, take it slow, do the right thing.  Sometimes, single parents should not be focusing on their soul lighting up (and the drama of "will he call or won't he" etc.), but on parenting their kids, especially when you have just had an affair and divorced their Daddy.

#2 - It was good for ME in that I WAS feeling jealous and lonely and wishing I could experience a little light in MY soul instead of only an alcoholic marriage.  Watching her hurt and pain is a good reminder to me that while I HAVE missed some fireworks of the soul, I have also missed all that drama and heartbreak and I have stayed and given my kids an in-tact family for a few more years.

So, I'm sorry friend.

I'm sorry you are hurting and suffering.

(And I would love to go to lunch and catch up.)

But you helped me be more grateful for my choice and not jealous. 

Thanks.