Dogs Bark and...

It always used to take me a long time to see, realize, admit, Mr. M was drinking again. I SO did not want it to be true, but ever since I have my "Oprah Epiphany", I believe myself and not the lying alcoholic. In the past I had been SO willing to think myself crazy and believe HIM over me. But now, I believe ME.

I saw the behaviors leading up to his falling off the wagon. I saw them coming. I pointed out my concern. I offered support, love, and help. He wanted none of it. He was on a collision course for a relapse. Seeing it coming means nothing really because I was powerless to prevent it. It is like having your leg stuck somehow in the railroad track and although you SEE the train barreling down on you, you can do NOTHING to get out of the way.

I feel betrayed and abandoned and believe it or not, I feel SHOCKED. I am not "surprised" per se, but I am still shocked. I have been able to forgive him and give a clean slate and own my own contributions to our dysfunctional patterns and to live as if we are BOTH the issue so that I can forgive him and we can live as 2 equals and move forward without bitterness and"owing". I have HAD to live as if I did not think he would relapse again. Even though it was always a lurking fear, I put it away from me, sealed up tight.

I shouldn't be shocked because I know the old saying "Dogs bark. Drunks drink." Period. And yet...

And yet...

Foreclosed

Yesterday Mr. M and I went over to our friends' home to help them pack and to hug them as they sobbed.  

The sheriff had appeared last Thursday to serve them with an eviction notice.

Sad and devastating under ANY circumstances... the heartbreaking twist here is that Wifey knew and had been hiding it for MONTHS (and helped create it).  Hubby was completely in the dark... shocked and flabbergasted!  

I was packing in the garage.  I walked over to Hubby's workbench.  My eyes filled with tears.  This was not the workbench of someone who knew he would be moving and was preparing to move.  It was the workbench of someone who thought he would be there for a long time.   They have a LOT more to work on than just losing their house (and all their equity - a lifetime of work and savings, lost at 40 years old).

I do not want ANYONE to be as miserable as I have been in my alcoholic marriage... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But wow, do people suddenly have more understanding, mercy, grace, and gratefulness!  (And where did the pity and maybe even tiny bit of judgement or "we are better than you" look in their eyes go?)   People suddenly realize what kind of love, support, and help we could have used in OUR tough time when we show up to help them in theirs.

Mr. M found himself teary and emotional all day.

He was sad for our friends.

He was also sad for us.

He saw the devastation the lying and betrayal can bring.

He had never seen his friend cry... and he wasn't just crying, he was sobbing.