I saw the behaviors leading up to his falling off the wagon. I saw them coming. I pointed out my concern. I offered support, love, and help. He wanted none of it. He was on a collision course for a relapse. Seeing it coming means nothing really because I was powerless to prevent it. It is like having your leg stuck somehow in the railroad track and although you SEE the train barreling down on you, you can do NOTHING to get out of the way.
I feel betrayed and abandoned and believe it or not, I feel SHOCKED. I am not "surprised" per se, but I am still shocked. I have been able to forgive him and give a clean slate and own my own contributions to our dysfunctional patterns and to live as if we are BOTH the issue so that I can forgive him and we can live as 2 equals and move forward without bitterness and"owing". I have HAD to live as if I did not think he would relapse again. Even though it was always a lurking fear, I put it away from me, sealed up tight.
I shouldn't be shocked because I know the old saying "Dogs bark. Drunks drink." Period. And yet...
And yet...
