Thursday, October 27, 2011

Dogs Bark and...

It always used to take me a long time to see, realize, admit, Mr. M was drinking again. I SO did not want it to be true, but ever since I have my "Oprah Epiphany", I believe myself and not the lying alcoholic. In the past I had been SO willing to think myself crazy and believe HIM over me. But now, I believe ME.

I saw the behaviors leading up to his falling off the wagon. I saw them coming. I pointed out my concern. I offered support, love, and help. He wanted none of it. He was on a collision course for a relapse. Seeing it coming means nothing really because I was powerless to prevent it. It is like having your leg stuck somehow in the railroad track and although you SEE the train barreling down on you, you can do NOTHING to get out of the way.

I feel betrayed and abandoned and believe it or not, I feel SHOCKED. I am not "surprised" per se, but I am still shocked. I have been able to forgive him and give a clean slate and own my own contributions to our dysfunctional patterns and to live as if we are BOTH the issue so that I can forgive him and we can live as 2 equals and move forward without bitterness and"owing". I have HAD to live as if I did not think he would relapse again. Even though it was always a lurking fear, I put it away from me, sealed up tight.

I shouldn't be shocked because I know the old saying "Dogs bark. Drunks drink." Period. And yet...
And yet...

1 comment:

  1. Lot's of people attribute the malady to men. I know of many women that are wino’s, drinking 2 or more spendy bottles of wine a night, and getting inebriated in the am as well (IMO the true indicator of a serious problem). Women wine drinkers see themselves as “classy”, but in reality, a lush is wholly unattractive. Being around a drunk, man or woman, is a bore, it’s embarrassing, and it’s incredibly demeaning to the sober one. It’s like being in a sea of negativity, with respect and trust going out the door. What else is there? Divorce.

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