Without Him

I thought when I got him out of the house, I would feel relieved.

And I did.

But I also felt heartbroken and very scared.

I walked into our lovely home and PROFOUNDLY felt his absence... as if he had died.

All I could see was Mr. M NOT there.

I MISSED him...

I mean we had only just gotten back from 2 blissful weeks in hawaii alone together. (Granted, the were overshadowed by the fact that he had had a small relapse, but it had do SEEMED like he might bounce right back, and I was willing to believe the best.)

I hadn't had a chance to tell the kids because they were at school and so they didn't get to see him go or say goodbye. What if he DIED???

I walked around in a daze.

I thought of him constantly.

I cried at the drop of a hat. (In FRONT of people!!! - this is new for me!!!)

My friends brought meals and muffins and lattes... they called and texted and ran by the grocery store for me and came over to visit.

I felt very loved and cared for.

And yet, my obsession with Mr. M still dominated.

All those loving gestures couldn't cure him or save him or make him sober up.

Many well-meaning people ask questions like:

"what triggered this?"

"have you told him how HARD this is for you and the kids?"

"why doesn't he just stop?"

"why don't you let him stay at home?"/"why don't you kick him out?"

"what are you going to do now?"

"how come he won't go to counseling?"

"where is his sponsor? why isn't he helping to keep him sober?"

"have you had his dad/mom/pastor/sponsor/kids/dog try to talk some sense into him?"

"why don't you make him go to a meeting?"

This disease is so "cunning, baffling, and powerful" that is is SOOOOOOO tough to wrap your brain around it. And these questions, while completely sensible for some circumstances are not viable for alcoholism. But allow me to at least address some of the to the best of my ability.

We don't know what triggered it or how long it has been building up. It could've been building for months & months or he could've just decided he wanted to drink. I don't know the trigger... and he does not either.

When he is sober, he is completely aware of how HEINOUS this is for all of his loved ones and he cannot CONCEIVE of a day when he would EVER want to drink again. But when he is in the drink, he ONLY thinks of himself and his booze... he is incapable of stopping.

He doesn't stop because he wants to drink more.

Why? Well, initially, when he begins drinking, it must be because of feelings he has that he doesn't want to feel or thinks he will die if he feels. ("Ease and comfort", the Big Book says.)

After he starts drinking it is because of the "ism"... the disease... the phenomenon of craving starts and he cannot stop until he is good and done. I cannot make him. Threats, pleading, crying, punishing, manipulating, etc. cannot make him (BELIEVE ME, I have tried & tried these, over & over - hahaha < sad laughter).

Letting him stay is harmful for me and the kids and only enables him to drink safely and happily for a longer period of time... I would like to hasten the arrival of his misery and allow him to hit bottom quicker. I kick him out when I can't tolerate it any more... this is getting sooner and sooner. But I will do it when I have the strength or when I am 'done' enough. (When I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.)

What am I going to do now?

Sheesh! I have no idea. I do not like my plans to be so tied to him... I don't want to be so reactionary. But I don't have a choice. I mean I will go on living. I am going to football games to cheer on the boys. I am going to school plays and xcountry meets. I am going out to lunch and Bible study. I am trying to work and earn a living and to meet the kids' needs. I am going to therapy to try to get healthy. I am trying to get a good nights sleep and to stay current on my dr visits.

Today, I have 2 choices:

I can leave him for good - I am not quite there yet. I am not sure what my tolerance is.

Or I can stay and let him ride this out while he decides to either "get busy living or get busy dying"

He & I have been doing marriage counseling. He does not want to go alone. I cannot make him.

Sponsors are a resource for alcoholics who WANT to stay sober. You call them and follow direction and work the steps with them if you want to stay sober. If you want to drink, a Sponsor is not going to stop you... they will tell you to call them when you are done... and "have fun while you're out there". A relapse reminds all the sober alcoholics why they don't drink. An alcoholic who DIES from the disease REALLY reminds them.

Everyone who has ever met him has tried to talk sense into him.

Read all the paragraphs above.

I can't MAKE him go to meetings... but even if I could, I can't MAKE him sit in the meeting and suddenly WANT to be sober. He knows the promises of AA and all the gifts of being sober and working the program and he still chooses to drink. He will stop when he is done. That could be when he dies, goes to jail, goes insane, gets in a car crash, kills someone else, passes out on the side of the road and gets picked up by cops, has severe pain or health consequences that frighten him badly enough, when I leave him, when there isn't a payoff emotionally or physically any more. At SOME point, if he lives long enough, he will likely stop. Although, many people die of their disease and only then do they stop.

He will be quick to tell you it is not a moral issue or a character issue... it is a disease.

I kind of get that, but his choices have moral implications.

When my husband is drinking he is the most selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic human being I have EVER met. The kids and I do not even exist. It is just him and his sadness and his hurt and his shame and his fear and "the kids hate me, whats' the point of living" and "if I go back to a meeting, I am going to have to identify as a newcomer". Waaa Waaaa Waaaa.

He never thinks of anyone but himself.

If (when???) he sobers up, I am going to have to pay attention to see if this is maybe always how he is and I just don't notice because he has so many"good" behaviors...