How it came about

We got home from 2 blissful weeks in Hawai'i. He did not drink. I know because I was with him 24 hours a day. We snorkeled and hiked and sun-bathed and swam and explored and drive around and ate and slept and had sex. It was a delightful time. I was hoping SO DEEPLY that this relapse was just going to be a "blip" on the screen and that he could bounce back without having to lose everything, including his 2 year old thriving business.

Wishful thinking.

We got home late friday night. We were up early and off to Girlie's cross country (xcountry) meet. She had said she didn't want us there but when she heard us cheering right before the finish line, she waved. When we hugged her sweaty body after the race, she said "I was looking for you through the whole race and listening for your voice!" (They SAY they don't want you to go, but they don't know what they want!... TEENAGERS! :)

We came home and Bub called to say he and his girlfriend had made it to the finals of the drama festival for their scene from "The Notebook". I decided I would go. I don't know if it was guilt because Dad is drinking, guilt that we had been away for 2 weeks, or the realization that time FLIES and I am almost DONE with active mothering, but I am trying to be there for EVERYTHING. (Probably all of the above.) I have regrets about not being able to do this with the older 2. I didn't have the perspective and I also had 2 little children I was still having to drag around to everything and drive everywhere.

But still, hindsight is 20/20.

I dashed down to the school to see it. Mr. M, Drummer, and Hacker (and the new Mrs. Hacker) joined us and Girlie arrived by bus from her xcountry meet and we ALL got to see their performance... and they WON! The day continued at this busy pace trying to get back on track after being gone for 2 weeks.

Mr. M needed to run a few errands. I wanted to go with him. Heck, we had been together for 14 solid days. I was kind of feeling homesick for him. He thought I wanted to "guard him"... I guess that was also true. I was SO scared to lose him. But I KNOW I can't follow him around and go to work with him and keep him from drinking... but still, I think the impulse is still there.

Sunday, I had to go to a close friend's daughter's wedding. I had to go early to help with centerpieces. I had no sooner walked in the door than Girlie texted "Is dad still drinking?" I told here I didn't think so but asked why she was asking. She said he was acting strange and chewing gum and kind of smelled. I hope I am saving her YEARS of denial and self doubt by telling her what it took Oprah telling me; BELIEVE YOURSELF.

The kids said I didn't need to rush home form the wedding. So I stayed. I felt guilty, but I wanted to be at the wedding for my friend. I wanted to have a fun time before I faced the hell that is my life again. I didn't want to rush home to a drunk husband and an afternoon of misery. So yes, I stayed. I stayed and drank a couple glasses of wine, I took photos in the photo booth and I danced & laughed. I had a fist clenching in the pit of my stomach the whole time (although the wine helped me for get a LITTLE) but I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich for a few hours and pretended all was well.

I came home and the familiar saga began.

I TRIED not to enter into counterproductive behaviors I KNOW better than to do, but I did some of them any way.

I snuck around and followed him and poured out vodka.

Now I am looking up sober living homes and treatment facilities that HE does not care enough to look up. WHY?

I cannot make him care about me and the kids more than the booze.

I cannot keep him sober.

I cannot control him.

I cannot wish him sober.

He has to want it and he has to choose it.

Right now he is choosing sickness.

I have to choose wellness for me.

I am SEEING my obsession.

I am seeing how much my feelings are so very tied to his actions and his choices.

I am seeing how stoic I try to be, carrying on by myself.

I am seeing my behavior patterns that I do even though I know they are not healthy or helpful... I see the payoff for me in these behaviors.

I am still not on speaking terms with his Mom and do not have the energy to coddle and spoon feed his dad. I feel guilty, but I barely have enough energy for myself and the kids.