Blog Friends - Rhonda McPost

Back in my very first post from February 7, 2008 titled "My Alcoholic Husband", I received a comment that I think is worth sharing and since it was on such an old post, I thought it would likely get overlooked.

Rhonda Mc said

"I know exactly how you feel. I divorced my alcoholic husband of 24 years and regret it. What I can tell you is he is sick and does not choose to be a drunk and we, the social drinker, can NOT fathom that.

"Go get help for your part of the problem. Enabling. Go to Al-Anon really learn what we do wrong as wives of loving alcoholics. He has to want to fix himself and be a responsible adult. J ust as you have to take responsibilty for your actions.

"They are caring loving feeling human beings just as we are and if I can save your marriage I hope you will stop listening to your emotions and get a real grasp on alcoholism acceptance, faith, love for yourself and your husband.

"Think of him as a good friend that is very sick. Do not berate him. I know it is hard to understand but, just keep learning how to be responsible for yourself and leave his alcoholism to him.

"Do not bail him out of jams or degrade him to himself, your families, the kids, frends, or co workers. Do not buy into the denial and lies be aloof and detach with love.

"Trust me, agree with him when he says something... his feelings are just as valid as yours, because he FEELS that way. My ex says I didn't respect him. He is right. How could I? He'd go to bars with the neighbors, been in two rehabs and was sober for 10 years - a "dry drunk" they call it. I nor you are the cause of his drinking we can not cure their drinking and we can not control their drinking.

"Get a life of your own, not for vengeance, for peace of mind. Go to movies get a group of girl friends and play bunco cards whatever.
"Be respectful of yourself and your spouse and your marriage. They are the men we chose to marry and they are good men who are addicted to alcohol because they have something they don't like about themselves.

"If you are like me and have been married 20+ years they are all we know and we have been molded to the way they treat us. This is not normal but, if you change yourself and stop concentrating on him, your life will improve and you have twelve months to get it right.

"I envy you. I don't have that chance I had to divorce as he did not care about me and I allowed his drinking to destroy me and I am having a hard time with the decision I made. I never should've divorced him but, I never should've allowed this to happen to me in the first place. I am a good wife and mother and I deserve respect love honor trust faithfulness committment and fun and you do too. So does he.

"If you want something from your husband tell him lovingly. Hold my hand honey and let's go ... give him a kiss goodmorning and good night tell him how much you appreciate his help and that you are proud of him.

"Think about never seeing loving or touching your husband again.   Find that love that God has for all of us. We are codependents we are sometimes sicker than the alcoholic because we are addicted to the alcoholic. 

"I know first hand what you are going through and if I can help you not make the same mistakes I made, then I have done something. 

... "It's painful either way but, learn all you can about alcoholism go to an open AA meeting I learned a lot.   They lie and believe their own lies and until they stop the denial and lies themselves there is NOTHING you can do but, heal yourself and get a sponsor of your own.  Trust me. It works. 

"Keep strong and remember why you married him, because love is deeper thn anything and God commands us to forgive 7 times 70 and wants us to love one another more than anything. 

"God be with you and your husband.   Don't give up... get over the emotions and think with your head.   You are not crazy just an enabling co dependent. They are adults and can get themselves out of their own mess they need wives not Mommas! 

"Now if you have other enablers and they are not willing to stop enabling (as my in-laws weren't) then ask your sponsor for help as we have control over no one but ourselves. I love my in-laws but, they turned their backs on me and I have to accept their denial and betrayal no matter how hurt angry and devastated I am,  if I keep haboring resentment I am only hurting myself.  Stop the negativity and pity party and get the help YOU need for you and your kids. 

"I hope this helped. I am right where you are. Divorce is a cop out and he asked me for a divorce and I gave it to him and I wish I would've never done that and let him file because he never would've had the guts to. How do I know that? He came back after 7 months of partying and when I told him I had filed that was it. I then asked him to work at our marriage and became weak in his eyes and I don't want that to happen to you. If you work keep working,  if not get a job. You do it for yourself and your kids. Not to hurt or punish your alcoholic husband. You both are responsible and need to be accountable for your actions. You are NOT there to point out his flaws. Look at your flaws and fix yourself. Trust me you can always go back to your old ways. God bless you and your family. Rhonda Mc"

Good stuff Rhonda!  Thanks for the comment.

Keep 'em coming!

Me #3 (Cleavage)

I am lonely and sad and feel rejected and unloved. I don't feel good about how I look outside or how I feel inside.

I am fat right now, for me (size 12). Fatter than I have ever been. I don't like how I look in clothes. One thing I think I look good in is lower cut tops. I think my cleavage takes some of the focus off the rest of me. Plus, I believe these cuts are more flattering to my body type and the way I carry my fat. Plus, if I get a little extra attention or notice or interest due to the cleavage (my boobs are much more generous looking when I am fatter... the only benefit of the extra weight), that doesn't hurt my sad, lonely neglected feeling.

Oh, I am not stupid enough to let myself believe - even for a minute - that appreciation of my boobs means love, care, comfort, acceptance, a lifetime of care and companionship... but it is nice for 10 seconds to feel seen & noticed... in ANY way. Again, I KNOW this is not the way I deeply desire to be known and noticed... but it is something and something is better than nothing. Isn't it???

Maybe like a little kid wanting attention, ANY attention, even if it means being naughty and getting in trouble.

And as a "nice" Christian wife and mother, I am not supposed to flaunt my cleavage.

But sometimes I don't really care.

I sometimes make a stab a modesty, but I feel like it makes me look fatter - like I am trying to hide my curves instead of "accentuating the positive".

I want to look 'yummy' instead of fat... delicious.

I want love and care, but apparently, I will take some attention for my cleavage as sloppy seconds.

Not enough?

Mr. M has almost 6 months sober.

What I fantasized about it not bliss.

Not only is there still the daily suspicion and fear of the temporary hiatus shattering, but there is the punishing, grinding of living with a newly sober alcoholic's insanity.

He seems always on the verge of exploding. His moods are ever changing.

His self-absorption is mind-boggling.

His short-temper and pouty hurt feelings over every imagined slight.

His lack of patience when the kids bicker or challenge or question or whine or defy... he has no tolerance or patience and no respect or gratitude for the fact that I have done this alone for months... years.

I can't bear the thought of going on like this, walking on eggshells, hoping, always hoping for more.

He loves me deeply, I know that.

And I love him, its true. 

But I am frightened and grieved that that might not be enough.

Is it possible it is not enough?

The Mountain That Loved A Bird

Dr. recommended I get this book.

I can see why.

If you have a problem asking for and receiving love, care, and/or comfort, I would recommend you consider maybe following Dr.'s suggestion for me, and order this book too.

Used from Amazon, it is actually quite affordable!

I don't need to illuminate the symbolism here... once you get the book, you will just KNOW.

Me #2 (Collecting Friends)

I think I collect & hoard friends the way I hoard stationary.

I LOVE friends.

I need them.

I care about them.

I want LOTS of them.

More than I probably need.

I get my feelings hurt when I am not included in something... even if it is something I don't even want to do.

I want people to like me and want me and need me and think I am fabulous and thoughtful and great... I want them to invite me

to do things and share their hearts with me and let me in to their innermost circle.

I am limited.

There is only one of me.

I only have so much to offer: I have a lot of kids who need me, a job, an alcoholic husband, and a life in mini-crisis almost all the time.

But I want to have them all in my life like a doll collection on a shelf so I can count them... like friends on myspace or facebook.

So very sad...

I guess you could say that I have the blues.

I have been really grappling with sadness.

A heavy, weighty sadness sitting on my heart & shoulders almost all of the time.

It's like a companion that I am becoming used to having accompany me every where I go.

When - for a moment - I am happy or light or free, it almost feels unfamiliar and then it is back, sitting on me again after only a few moments of respite.

My therapy feels slow.

I feel frustrated with my lack of progress.

Therapy+Caffeine=LAME

Today was therapy day.

First I walked around the lake (3 miles).

Then I got Girlie and took her to a church overnighter.

Then I zipped to therapy by 9:30... it was a full day already and it was still morning!

I missed last week because of vacation.

2 weeks before that, he missed for vacation, so it has been a little disjointed and disconnected.

But because I was walking, I took an excederin migraine (I had a headache) and it had caffeine in it.  Then, because I was taking Girlie, I took her to grab a Starbucks - extra caffeine.

By the time I hit Dr.'s office, I was SPUN.

Yesterday and this morning I was feeling very sad and tearful and saving it for therapy... but with all that caffeine, my sadness wouldn't push through.  I tried to make room for it but it just wouldn't come.

Was it purposeful (subconsciously) that I partook of so much caffeine before therapy or did I actually just forget?

I guess I'll never TRULY know, and I don't want to make EVERYTHING have to be about something, because it might have been a coincidence (I thought Dr. would FOR SURE make it about that, but even HE left room for coincidence!).

I shared about my epiphany about my alcoholic marriage

I also shared about my argument with Mr. M on Sunday where we were both pretty open and vulnerable and true.

I shared and I felt... but barely... all my emotions were kept at bay very nicely by my caffeine high.

Dr. asked me if that was my 'drug of choice' and I said "One of them".

I started really thinking about how many things I use to avoid feeling my feelings and was kind of amazed - but maybe not entirely:

• food (and more food)
• friends (lunch, walk, coffee, phone etc.)
• computer
• mr. m
• dreaming an fantasizing (about vacations, projects, decorating, shopping, etc.)
• tv (rarely, but when i am desperate and none of the others are working)
• blogging ;o)
• reading
• gabapentin
• caffeine
• alcohol
• cigarettes
• any other substance that is 'acceptable'

I keep all of these at hand so I do not use ANY in excess, so I do not have to truly call myself an "addict" to any and I do not have to LOOK like an addict to anyone... no one needs to see me and be concerned about me... no no no... I have it all under CONTROL (that ugly word again).

Dr. suggested when i find myself using one of these, I should ask myself if I could STOP doing it... I said "of course", that's the point... I can stop any of it any time.  Because I am IN CONTROL.

So he revised and said I should stop and ask myself what I might notice if I stopped doing what I was doing or using what I was using.

That is HUGE so I am going to repeat it (for my OWN benefit).

ASK MYSELF WHAT I MIGHT NOTICE IF I STOPPED DOING WHAT I WAS DOING.

He confirmed that none of these things were necessarily 'bad' in and of themselves, but of course, my use of them would prevent me from feeling my feelings and growing... he said he liked the song Learn to be Still by the Eagles... not my favorite, but good lyrics.

2 songs that really speak to me are:
Beauty From Pain by SuperChick and the lyrics to
That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette.

Caffeine free next week.