What I fantasized about it not bliss.
Not only is there still the daily suspicion and fear of the temporary hiatus shattering, but there is the punishing, grinding of living with a newly sober alcoholic's insanity.
He seems always on the verge of exploding. His moods are ever changing.
His self-absorption is mind-boggling.
His short-temper and pouty hurt feelings over every imagined slight.
His lack of patience when the kids bicker or challenge or question or whine or defy... he has no tolerance or patience and no respect or gratitude for the fact that I have done this alone for months... years.
I can't bear the thought of going on like this, walking on eggshells, hoping, always hoping for more.
He loves me deeply, I know that.
And I love him, its true.
But I am frightened and grieved that that might not be enough.
Is it possible it is not enough?
I read everything from day one. Your hardache over Mr. M. I too have a Mr. And this post, every word , is me, except my Mr. has been sober for 5 months because he finally got his 2nd dui and might go to jail soon over it. He was a great husband and is a great father but my heart and mind can't handle him anymore. I wanted to start a blog about it but he is a computer geek and will find out. Your blog is my blog or what it would be mostly. I don't go to therapy. I don't know if I should. I want a divorce but won't because of kids. I thought of cheating but I love my husband and would feel eternal guilt.
ReplyDeleteSo I read your blog and feel everything you do.
You are my new alcoholic husband friend. The first person I know of that gets it. As long as you blog I will be here.
Every post I read touched me and makes me cry. Not because I feel sorry for you but because I feel sorry for me. Your feelings and thoughts and wants are mine. And that makes me cry.
Thank you for sharing and will anticipate your next post. Best wishes and I hope your story ends in a good way.
Ahhh Allison!
ReplyDeleteIsn't that what our heart longs for? To been truly seen and truly known and truly understood? To know you are not alone? That your heartache and struggles are not so unique?
Even I do this blog anonymously... I needed to do it for ME... to out my heart's cry and heart break and questions and struggles on the page and not have any of my friends and family know how UGLY I can be!!! I am learning though and maybe one day the me on the page (blog) and the me everyone knows will be one and the same (partly why I am going to therapy!!!).
Keep posting.
Love to you sister.