Ripping Off The Bandaid

Still slogging through this issue with Dr. (my therapist).
Last session we just sat and stared at each other - not literally, but we focused on me not wanting to focus on what I want to avoid.
I felt like when I was a child and my parents said I had to either choke down 3 bites of lima beans or sit at the table all night.  Either choice is desperately painful but you are a kid and power less and at the mercy of someone else's power.
Dr. asked if I felt like HE was the mean parent forcing that.
I didn't THINK so... I was aware that I was choosing to stay focused on the discomfort.  But I still felt caught between a rock and a hard place and either choice felt dooming.
He said we could come "around the corner" and look at whatever it was together. That word "together" seemed so foreign and out of plan to me... together???  No... I would come around the corner alone and uncover it alone and show him alone.  So he said "So you think I will not be there with you."
But this wasn't true either.  I thought I would be showing him, so he would BE there... but he would not come to it WITH me and it was not a "together" thing... I would be alone showing him.
At the end of the session, he asked if I just wanted to rip the bandaid off and tell him.
I said No Way.  My session was over and I couldn't open that can of worms and then LEAVE.  He said "Oh, so there is a tipping point in the session where if it doesn't come out by then, it isn't coming out."  And I acknowledged that yes, if it is not out by the half way point, it is not coming out.  (So many rules I make up in my own mind! :)
But so interesting that this makes sense as an 'absolute' in my brain... just realizing that this means (and says it very boldly) that I don't want to tell him and then dash out... I NEED him to process it with me before I leave... more "I need him"... AWKWARD!

Anyhow, so I got him and wrote up the issue and sent it to him.
(Now mind you you YOU know about it... I have written it.  Several in-person friends know about it... but because it is about HIM, I cannot talk to HIM about it.)  Here is what I wrote:

This is a bit of a “stream of consciousness” because I tried not to censor and just let it flow, so it is a bit rambling:

It wall started when as I was leaving your office and Mr M's surgery was the next day you asked "Are you asking me for something?” in response to something I said.

I came home and journaled about WHY that triggered such embarrassment and shame.

While journaling, I had to stop and cry because of the feelings it brought up. 

Then later, when walking with my friend and telling her about it, she suggested that if it were her, she would’ve felt like YES!, she DID want something.  She would’ve wanted you to go with her to the surgery and hold her hand and “be with” her. 

I wouldn’t even THINK to ask, expect, or hope for that, but when she said it, I had a wave of wanting to cry… so it resonated with me. 

{SIDE NOTE –but in the same vein: When I brought it up to you, you said that when you asked me if I was asking you for something, you felt like I needed a hug.  That is the second time you have said that to me… once was a long time ago, near the beginning of me seeing you.

That is one of those things I was talking about in session where I hear something and nod “uh huh” but don’t ask the question(s) that might seem obvious to others to ask.

“What are you seeing that makes it seem like I need a hug?”

and

“What if that was accurate and I DID need a hug?”}

What all this has tapped into for me is NEED and dependence.

I think I AM asking for something.

I am not even sure what, but I know this oversteps bounds – bounds that I have intrinsically “known” my whole life – by needing or wanting too much; what is not available or appropriate to ask for.

I think I started to tap into it a little even before all this when I told you that when I drove up near your office at other times than therapy I had started to feel attachment to you… I experienced it as “missing” you (because it felt like it had a little grief element to it because I wasn’t seeing you until next Tuesday).

So if I AM asking you for something, that is embarrassing because I am already getting all that I can reasonably expect.  Plus, it is not polite to ask for something that is not available and might make someone else (you) uncomfortable.

If I DO need you or AM dependent on you, that is a tiny bit more fine with me, internally (NOT if I express it to you!!!) but I understand the ‘rules’ that I will keep it to myself, because again, that is embarrassing because I am already getting all that I should reasonably ask or expect.

And if I DID actually need a hug – I can’t even GET that far to know if I did/do or not… but to even think, “what IF I did?” – that is embarrassing because that is not available or appropriate.

Another side note: A friend asked if this is because I am actually experiencing need/dependence/attachment as “attraction” and that is why I am embarrassed or feel like it is inappropriate.  I don’t think that is how I am experiencing it because I don’t think I feel attracted to you in that way.   It feels pretty clear to me that I could equally be experiencing this need/dependence/attachment with a man or woman and I would feel equally uncomfortable and inappropriate.  (I mean I guess there is an added element of perceived inappropriateness I would want to protect myself from because you are a man and someone else could easily misunderstand what I mean.)  But on my end it is about need and attachment and dependence and my embarrassment over my need and that I am asking/wanting/needing too much.  That I am breaking rules.  So many things.

I am even embarrassed reading back over this because it seems trivial and it seems like a lot of naval gazing (more shame and embarrassment), BUT it obviously ISN’T trivial and is deep for me.

And in thinking about it, I really DON’T think I felt “forced” by you into leaning into this.  I agreed to because I wanted to (as much as, or more than, I didn’t want to).  I don’t think I was protecting myself from being angry with you.  I could be wrong and I know I would definitely DO that, but I don’t think I am in this particular case.

So there it is and I am glad I am not seeing you for 2 weeks :/

He replied back:

"You are a brave one and I agree that you wanted this for yourself.  I'm glad you have opened the door to such honesty within yourself and I'm looking forward to getting in there with you."  

Today is my first session since I sent this (and received his response).

I go in an hour.

 I am SICK with anxiety.

I want to just go in and talk about a few parenting struggles and marriage issues I am having.

I want to call in sick.

I want to pretend I forgot it was Tuesday because of the holiday and just not go.

I want to quit permanently.

ANYTHING but this.  ANYTHING.

I am sick.

I have a stomach ache.  My heart is racing.  I want a xanax or a drink or something to calm these feelings.  (Interesting side note for me to pay attention to:  I do not want to EAT to soothe myself like I normally do... I will want to eat a LOT after the session... that will be my comfort and/or reward after, but right now, I have a stomach ache and I want to anesthetize with "MEDICINE".)

I am going.

I will have to talk about it.

I am sick about it.

I will live.

... at least that is what I am telling myself... but the way I am feeling, it doesn't seem like I actually believe that...

Letter to My Therapist

So, in therapy, I am touching on some deep issues that to anyone else would seem small, but to me, emotionally feel huge.

*sigh* 

It feels so hard sometimes, slogging through all of this emotional baggage...

I get tired.

This makes me feel emotionally naked.

This is the email I sent to my therapist about it.  I DID send it.

************************

Dr,

I was sitting here thinking that next session I should address something I have been pushing away, but then when I started to picture it, I don't feel like I can do it.

But it is there and it is not going anywhere.  

So I feel stuck.

Which is why I am emailing... to get it out there and to be "accountable" that it exists and is hanging there even though I don't feel ready to go there.

This causes me embarrassment because I have to come in next week and you will have received this and now THAT will be hanging there and we will have to address it!  

Yet, if I avoid it, I am doing myself a disservice, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.  I don't want to address it at all and I seemingly can't avoid it either.

But - like you have alway said - the stuff I deal with in 'real life' will come up with you (ugh... I was going to say "in therapy" - haha!).  And this is EXACTLY what I do in my relationships, so I need to push through my discomfort in the only way I feel I can right now, and apparently that is writing.

After Mr. M's surgery I emailed you (below) about the feelings that were coming up when you asked me "Are you asking me for something?".

Then I had a conversation with my therapist friend about WHAT I was asking for and THAT brought up feelings (that I didn't not allow myself to express).

Even typing this, I am kind of getting teary.

It is a BIG deal and yet I want to get AWAY from it.

And I can feel myself wanting to create distance from you and to just "chit chat".

I feel stuck.

I don't know if I can do justice with my explanation, but if I don't "go there" with this, I feel like it is an anchor holding me back from going ANYWHERE else deep... like I have halted everything.  It is just a huge "elephant" in my emotional living room.  Am I just going to stay superficial and "chat" with you for 3 more years?!?

But I don't want to 'go there' either...

I don't want to talk to you about it, but I can't not.

So I don't know what to do.  I am in a quandary.

I feel so awkward I want to delete this.

I am embarrassed I have to email and can't just bring it up in person ("be a grown up").

I feel terribly uncomfortable about coming in next week and walking in and you have read it... I can PICTURE it and it makes me nauseated...  and now that I have typed this whole thing, all I want to do is delete it!!!!!!  (At this moment, I am pretty sure I will.)

But then I am mean to myself and think "Don't be a baby, what's the big deal?  Just talk to him in person about it."  (Shaming myself because when I read over what I have written, it doesn't seem like a big deal... but emotionally, it IS... and the above "baby" message is a defense mechanism, because if I don't write this - out of shame - I KNOW I will not be able to address it in person and I can just bury it and "stay safe".)

So there...

It is out there and I am just going to have to be uncomfortable.

Awkward closure (because I feel JUST like I do leaving therapy; exposed),

Tearless

***************************************

Previous email I mentioned above)

***************************************

Dr.,

I was journaling about our last visit and had an interesting response.  I wanted to email you because I didn't want to 'forget' to bring it up after a whole week had gone by.

*******************************

"I have NO IDEA what THIS tapped into, but as I was getting ready to leave, I said "OK, well... the surgery is tomorrow at 1:00."

And Dr. said "Are you asking me for something?" (Or something like that.)

I was taken aback, flustered.

"Um... No... I just... um... yeah... I guess if you think of me, pray for me."

I don't even know what I meant.

I don't think I wanted prayer either exactly.

I DO know that when I started to type this I started getting teary.

And I know I felt (and feel while typing) embarrassed or ashamed (or both).

I am not - I was trained, growing up - supposed to inconvenience anyone or ask for things people can't deliver on.

I don't even KNOW what it was I wanted or hoped for... I didn't let myself get that far... I shut down instantly with shame and kinda started crying.

I asked for prayer - and that was better than nothing... but it wasn't what made me ashamed... I wanted something or needed something that -

^^

Wow! Whatever I was writing there REALLY touched something in me and I had to stop typing to cry for a couple minutes.

THAT'S gonna be something to explore in therapy next week!!!!!!

It really touched a nerve."

**********************************

So yeah... just writing that totally triggered something and I had to stop writing to cry a while.

Reading it NOW it doesn't touch the same raw nerve, but reading it and remembering stopping and crying makes me a little teary.

So now it's out there and I CAN'T bury it even if I want to  :/

See you Tuesday.

Tearless

Non-Eventful... I'll TAKE it!

Mr M has been back at home since his surgery so I have less time to be on the computer - to blog and READ blogs.

Also, as is my pattern (as Karen C noticed), when things are going adequately, I don't "need" it as much and go kinda dark... so I guess that is a good thing...

We have also been in the throes of the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS process.

Bub applied to 10+ colleges and all the acceptances are coming in with the various aid packages (or lack thereof). So now they are all in and he has to decide WHERE he will choose.

His top 2 choices are on the east coast - all the way across the country!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

Mama likes all her chicks in (or near) the nest!!!

But Bub has ALWAYS been the one to want to fly the coop and soar on to experience all the wonders of the world!

He is CERTAIN he won't be homesick or miss us. He may not! :)

On the plus side, it WOULD be fun to visit him in the big apple!!! I could kinda enjoy that!

Everything over here has been kind of non-eventful. I am lovin' it! In my old age - 42 - I LOVE LOVE LOVE non-eventful!!!! I will TAKE it ;)

xo

Surviving

Mr. M had his surgery. It was out patient.

MD said it was one of the worst rotator cuff tears he has seen in his career and he does 6-7 of these surgeries a week! It was torn completely from the front all the way up over the top and down the back.

So he was in AGONY.

The first night was brutal!!!!!

We barely slept.

We got the pain med situation handled where it took the edge off and he could at least KIND OF get by.

He rested for the week and started back to work Monday.

He shouldn't work but needs to.

He has a helper helping him every day because he can't DO anything... he needs to point and direct and have them DO all the work.

He is scared and sad because business is so slow.

It is going to be tough money-wise paying someone else and having so few calls, but it is kind of an HP thing in my opinion because he SHOULDN'T be doing too much work in his condition! (And his condition should last a few MONTHS!)

The MD said they had also wanted to tack down his bicep tendon but his bones were SUCH poor quality they couldn't. They said the only time they see bones like that is in 80 year old women!!! OI asked if that was from the injury or degeneration and the MD said "neither"... he said it was from substance abuse. I did a little further reading and apparently excessive binge drinking IS bad for the bones.

This was shocking and sad to me.

Of course Mr. M is in denial. he thinks the docs are wrong/mistaken.

*sigh*

I have been a loving and compassionate wife.

We have been getting along well.

I am lonely and scared, but this is just going to be a season for that. He is hurt and scared and sad and just trying to recover. It is not a season to get my needs met (but REALLY, when is?).

We got out last night and had Mexican for dinner (well, I did) and saw "21 Jump Street" (inappropriate but funny!!!!).

One day at a time.

Pre-Surgery Feelings

Mr. M's surgery is tomorrow so I had to reschedule therapy to today.

I have been kinda disconnected and numb and apathetic lately (probably as evidenced by my lack of blogging among tons of other things). I am just in survival mode.

One of my friends said I seemed 'flat'.

I was not exactly annoyed, but I was confused or something... I didn't know how to be more... more... just MORE. More what I was "supposed" to be, I guess.

I went into therapy and chit-chatted a little.

I addressed that surgery was tomorrow.

I said I MUST have some feelings but I couldn't FEEL them.

I said I must be scared that Mr. M is going to relapse... that the pain meds will spin him off and trigger a relapse. Or that the shame about the accident (I am not helping that because I am mad as hell that he got in the accident.)

Dr. asked if we had talked about this.

THIS WAS A COMPLETELY NOVEL CONCEPT.

Talked about it?

Um... huh... No... I guess not.

I mean seriously, 4 years of therapy and this had not occurred to me.

For good reason, I guess because I started crying.

Dr. said THIS is really scraping into the deepest stuff... my fear of being left... being alone.

It is probably also doing the same thing for Mr. M.

Makes sense all the fighting and anger and disconnectedness.

I have NO IDEA what THIS tapped into, but as I was getting ready to leave, I said "OK, well... the surgery is tomorrow at 1:00."

And Dr. said " Are you asking me for something?" (Or something like that.)

I was taken aback, flustered.

"Um... No... I just... um... yeah... I guess if you think of me, pray for me."

I don't even know what I meant.

I don't think I wanted prayer either exactly.

I DO know that when I started to type this I started getting teary.

And I know I felt (and feel while typing) embarrassed or ashamed (or both).

I am not - I was trained, growing up - supposed to inconvenience anyone or ask for things people can't deliver on.

I don't even KNOW what it was I wanted or hoped for... I didn't let myself get that far... I shut down instantly with shame and kinda started crying.

I asked for prayer - and that was better than nothing... but it wasn't what made me ashamed... I wanted something or needed something that -

***********************************

Wow! Whatever I was writing there REALLY touched something in me and I had to stop typing to cry for a couple minutes.

THAT'S gonna be something to explore in therapy next week!!!!!!

It really touched a nerve.

***********************************

Anyhow, I got home and told Mr. M that I needed to talk to him.

I told him I was scared of him relapsing (taking pain meds, not going to meetings etc.). He assured me he was going to try not to take meds and WOULD go to meetings. I tried to tell him that I didn't need his assurances (he can't realistically commit to that any way and if he could, I could rest in them), I just needed to share my feelings with him - however uncomfortable that makes me - and hope he could listen. He tried.

I was EXHAUSTED afterward.

Phew!

And it's not over.

These darn feelings!

Stopping the Pattern?

Saturday morning Girlie and I went out for breakfast/lunch. (Our power had been out for 14+ hours due to some repairs and we couldn't open our fridge... plus we couldn't turn on a light, a TV, a computer, blow dry, straighten or curl hair or pretty much anything... we were crippled - HA!)

We were talking.

She was telling me how stressed and overwhelmed she was planning the church service their students were in charge of for the week. She had taken the weight of the service on her shoulders. She LIKES it and feels proud of herself and necessary and yet she feels - like I said, stressed & overwhelmed. She told me her friends at school call her the 'mother' of their group.

I listened and nodded and reflected.

Eventually, I told her that some of this (maybe a lot) might have to do with the fact that she grew up in an alcoholic home. (Not "alcoholic home", not just with an "alcoholic dad"... our whole home/family has dysfunctional patterns that contribute.)

She did not get defensive or ashamed. She was like "I know!!!"

This opened up a GREAT conversation.

We talked about codependency and Al-Anon. We talked about control being about fear. We talked about personal value and how we get can think that things like saving and fixing and rescuing and running things - making people depend on us - makes us valuable and/or worthy of love or of not being LEFT.

Girlie said that when she has to stay home from school sick she is worried how her friends will get by without her. "But they do, don't they?" I asked.

She nodded and with big eyes she said "Yes, and that kind of hurts my feelings."

Of course it does!

If they can make do without us, if we are replaceable, what is our value? And maybe they don't need us and will leave us!

We also talked about how we can FEEL we are so loving and giving and helpful and this can give us a 'noble' feeling or some grandiosity... we get self-esteem from this. But we are not doing it out of only generosity or altruism... we have selfish motives in it too. The above (control/fear, feelings of value & worth, keeping them dependent so they won't leave us) PLUS we get self-esteem from it "the whole world would fall apart without me".

Girlie was SO aware and open and honest and healthy. I was so grateful!

I am 42 years old and learning this has been a long, arduous, painful battle. I would be beyond thrilled if my kids could learn this so much earlier than I, and save themselves some pain and heartache. Or at least be more aware and less primal/instinctual from past wounds.

If I can help them on the journey and put aside my own guilt and pain and shame in order to contribute to health instead of dysfunction, I would be delighted! (And proud of myself for my own growth.)

A Few Updates

* Mr M is having surgery on his destroyed rotator cuff (from his dirt biking accident) on March 13. It is a big, gnarly, 4 hour long procedure with a LOT of extensive work and 12+ anchors put in to anchor down all his torn and retracted tendons.

He will move back in for a few weeks to heal and recover and so I can help him.

He is feeling sad and discouraged about his injury, the long healing time (8 weeks in a sling!!!), and how SLOW his business is.

I am having to practice tolerating my discomfort when he is miserable.

I mean, he has a lot to be sad and angry and stressed about right now... those are his feelings. Feelings are not bad. They are feelings.

* I wrote about a temptation I was having with another man (a client) in this post. I also asked that if anyone reading was the praying type that they might PRAY for God's intervention and protection.

Can I just say that our HP answers in personal ways AND has a sense of humor!?

This client is significantly older than I am (16+ years). I am not really attracted to him (don't get me wrong, he is an attractive and friendly and nice guy, he's just much older and not my "type") - but I am vulnerable and fragile and it is just so NICE to be desired and sought after.

We FINALLY got another lunch on the calendar.

It was coming.

And then OUT OF THE BLUE he texts me and asks about hearing aids (because he is a client... this is a work issue).

HEARING AIDS?? I ask if he is asking for himself of one of his dependents or employees (this makes a difference with coverage). He says THE HEARING AIDS ARE FOR HIM!!!!!!

To clarify - there is NOTHING wrong with hearing aids. I could be attracted to someone with hearing aids. If Mr. M got hearing aids, that would just be part of life as we age together. But something in me just CLICKED. He is 16 years older than me. What am I thinking? This is weird!

It was just the wake up call I had been praying for.

My attraction just instantly ended.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I had NO IDEA I would have this reaction... but my HP did.

Thank you HP.

And thank you if you happened to have prayed for me.

The day eventually came to confirm our lunch and I didn't but he did.

He said he had been WANTING to have a picnic (?!?!) but the rain had thwarted him (thanks again HP! ;)

We went to the same restaurant. He put his HANDS ON MY WAIST and leans in to kiss me. I turn and offer my cheek.

Then our server comes and she is training a new server who is a FRIEND of mine from CHURCH! - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Accountability (Thanks AGAIN, HP!)... I introduce him to her.

Then, the coup de grace; I mention that one of my REALLY dear friends has recently started attending his pretty small church (where he is a leader and friends with the Pastor and his whole family) and they just LOVE the awesome community they have there! (I don't know WHY this never occurred to me to mention before... but NOW my HP brings it to my mind!) Our lunch was lovely and friendly and perfectly devoid of any "charge" of attraction. We talked about his church marriage retreat he planned. We talked about his vacation. We talked about his daughter's wedding. then we said good-bye and he hugged me platonically.

I have to say, I am QUITE tickled.

*