Stopping the Pattern?

Saturday morning Girlie and I went out for breakfast/lunch. (Our power had been out for 14+ hours due to some repairs and we couldn't open our fridge... plus we couldn't turn on a light, a TV, a computer, blow dry, straighten or curl hair or pretty much anything... we were crippled - HA!)

We were talking.

She was telling me how stressed and overwhelmed she was planning the church service their students were in charge of for the week. She had taken the weight of the service on her shoulders. She LIKES it and feels proud of herself and necessary and yet she feels - like I said, stressed & overwhelmed. She told me her friends at school call her the 'mother' of their group.

I listened and nodded and reflected.

Eventually, I told her that some of this (maybe a lot) might have to do with the fact that she grew up in an alcoholic home. (Not "alcoholic home", not just with an "alcoholic dad"... our whole home/family has dysfunctional patterns that contribute.)

She did not get defensive or ashamed. She was like "I know!!!"

This opened up a GREAT conversation.

We talked about codependency and Al-Anon. We talked about control being about fear. We talked about personal value and how we get can think that things like saving and fixing and rescuing and running things - making people depend on us - makes us valuable and/or worthy of love or of not being LEFT.

Girlie said that when she has to stay home from school sick she is worried how her friends will get by without her. "But they do, don't they?" I asked.

She nodded and with big eyes she said "Yes, and that kind of hurts my feelings."

Of course it does!

If they can make do without us, if we are replaceable, what is our value? And maybe they don't need us and will leave us!

We also talked about how we can FEEL we are so loving and giving and helpful and this can give us a 'noble' feeling or some grandiosity... we get self-esteem from this. But we are not doing it out of only generosity or altruism... we have selfish motives in it too. The above (control/fear, feelings of value & worth, keeping them dependent so they won't leave us) PLUS we get self-esteem from it "the whole world would fall apart without me".

Girlie was SO aware and open and honest and healthy. I was so grateful!

I am 42 years old and learning this has been a long, arduous, painful battle. I would be beyond thrilled if my kids could learn this so much earlier than I, and save themselves some pain and heartache. Or at least be more aware and less primal/instinctual from past wounds.

If I can help them on the journey and put aside my own guilt and pain and shame in order to contribute to health instead of dysfunction, I would be delighted! (And proud of myself for my own growth.)