Pre-Surgery Feelings

Mr. M's surgery is tomorrow so I had to reschedule therapy to today.

I have been kinda disconnected and numb and apathetic lately (probably as evidenced by my lack of blogging among tons of other things). I am just in survival mode.

One of my friends said I seemed 'flat'.

I was not exactly annoyed, but I was confused or something... I didn't know how to be more... more... just MORE. More what I was "supposed" to be, I guess.

I went into therapy and chit-chatted a little.

I addressed that surgery was tomorrow.

I said I MUST have some feelings but I couldn't FEEL them.

I said I must be scared that Mr. M is going to relapse... that the pain meds will spin him off and trigger a relapse. Or that the shame about the accident (I am not helping that because I am mad as hell that he got in the accident.)

Dr. asked if we had talked about this.

THIS WAS A COMPLETELY NOVEL CONCEPT.

Talked about it?

Um... huh... No... I guess not.

I mean seriously, 4 years of therapy and this had not occurred to me.

For good reason, I guess because I started crying.

Dr. said THIS is really scraping into the deepest stuff... my fear of being left... being alone.

It is probably also doing the same thing for Mr. M.

Makes sense all the fighting and anger and disconnectedness.

I have NO IDEA what THIS tapped into, but as I was getting ready to leave, I said "OK, well... the surgery is tomorrow at 1:00."

And Dr. said " Are you asking me for something?" (Or something like that.)

I was taken aback, flustered.

"Um... No... I just... um... yeah... I guess if you think of me, pray for me."

I don't even know what I meant.

I don't think I wanted prayer either exactly.

I DO know that when I started to type this I started getting teary.

And I know I felt (and feel while typing) embarrassed or ashamed (or both).

I am not - I was trained, growing up - supposed to inconvenience anyone or ask for things people can't deliver on.

I don't even KNOW what it was I wanted or hoped for... I didn't let myself get that far... I shut down instantly with shame and kinda started crying.

I asked for prayer - and that was better than nothing... but it wasn't what made me ashamed... I wanted something or needed something that -

***********************************

Wow! Whatever I was writing there REALLY touched something in me and I had to stop typing to cry for a couple minutes.

THAT'S gonna be something to explore in therapy next week!!!!!!

It really touched a nerve.

***********************************

Anyhow, I got home and told Mr. M that I needed to talk to him.

I told him I was scared of him relapsing (taking pain meds, not going to meetings etc.). He assured me he was going to try not to take meds and WOULD go to meetings. I tried to tell him that I didn't need his assurances (he can't realistically commit to that any way and if he could, I could rest in them), I just needed to share my feelings with him - however uncomfortable that makes me - and hope he could listen. He tried.

I was EXHAUSTED afterward.

Phew!

And it's not over.

These darn feelings!