Long Time No See

It has been a long time since I have been here. And yet, looking through it, it still feels like home. I stopped writing when Mr. M came back home. But I shouldn't have. I am chronicling a journey.

That journey includes relapses and binges and my grief and trauma and my anger and fantasies... but it wasn't ONLY that. It was also my therapy journey. And the periods of rest and peace and joy.

Right now Mr. M has coming up on TWO YEARS SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is awesome. Life has been SO good. Everything I fantasized about. (No - not perfect. Still fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. But "normal" fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. Not heart-wrenching, death-defying, constant crisis, survival mode.) Isn't THAT worth writing about too?

I PRAY he stays sober (right now - as I type - he is with his sponsor working on his 8th step - "made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"). If he does, that will be awesome - and our mental health, marriage redemption journey is STILL worth writing about because it is still a learning, growth process.

On the other hand, if he were to relapse, it would be so nice to have a record of both the good times and bad HERE on this blog. A record of my growth - and regression (hahaha!).

I'm going to TRY to pop in a write more regularly.

For now, an update:

I turned 40. Mr. M & some girlfriends threw me a party. It was hard to accept all that love and attention and effort. I tried to just relax and allow it. It was awkward and uncomfortable... yet nice.

Hacker met a girl and is getting married (all within 13 months of cross-country dating from date of meeting to wedding date). Even though they are 4 years older than we were when we said "I do", I am worried and have all sorts of advice and warnings, he does not appreciate my spiritual gift of control that much :)

Drummer went off to college. We had to have financial help (70%) from family. We are doing one year. Don't know if the money will be there to do more. But what a BLESSING one year has been. I just saw a facebook post written at 4:40AM. Is he sleeping at all? Is he going to class? Is he doing his homework? Is he getting good grades? Hmmmmmm... do you see a theme of control and worry?

Bub got his driver's license. Need I go into any details about my fear and control there????

Girlie is a hormonal maniac (it is definitely genetic, I was a FREAK at her age). As I parent her, it is SOOOOOOOOOO much work and she pushes us away and yet we push through it and stay in relationship with her and continue to act "as if" with her (as if she is still pleasant, as if she is sane, as if she didn't just say she hates us etc.). We love her and rejoice in her great, sane moments. As i do that, I feel sadness for how much my own parents were not able to offer that for me when i was a psychotic teen... yet how much I needed it. Some of it was fear on their part, some laziness, some misunderstanding, some irresponsibility, some ignorance. But whatever the reason... I needed someone to love me enough to tough it out with me and contain my anger and not abandon me and still be brave enough to be tough and parent me. I feel sad for the 13 year old girl that was me in 1982 who did not get that and yet I am SO grateful it helped me be equipped to give that to our daughter.

My business is doing well - even in this economy. (I need to write an entire post about gratefulness. I am FILLED with gratefulness - and yet I still live in a LOT of fear of losing everything... I need a whole ADDITIONAL post about FEAR!) God has provided enough income for this season through MY job that Mr. M could quit his miserable job of 15 years with his toxic employer (who WAS patient and merciful though, through all Mr. M's ups and downs) and started his own business - after one year sober. It is growing and starting to establish itself. (Unlike so many alcoholics, Mr. M is not one bit lazy and has an AWESOME work ethic when he is sober... so this is not a "pretend to have my own business" set up... he is working his BUTT off... I am so impressed with him.)

I have SO much more to say about my therapy - future post.

About how much growing up I have had to do in letting go of Mr. M in my alcoholic marriage - even in sobriety and starting his own business and going to meetings and parenting, etc.

About friendships.

About parenting.

About my own parents.

About money.

About God.

About learning about my own flaws.

Wow... there are my next 9 posts all laid out for me.

See you soon.

Keep on keeping on.

xo

The Diet - Part 2 and update

Well, it has been MONTHS since my last update and the beginning of our diets.

We eventually adjusted to our crabbiness and settled into the routine. We ate healthier and made wiser eating choices. I continued walking around the lake (3 miles) 5 days a week. My caffeine reduction did NOT go so well and I am still clinging to my full-fledged addiction.

I have lost around 30 lbs. and have about 25 to go. I am already MUCH happier with how I look! Mr. M is down to 222 lbs. and does not want to lose any more. He just wants to keep lifting weights and getting BIGGER at the gym.

We went on a 2 week family vacation at the start of summer and I utterly and entirely did not watch a THING I ate (well, except to WATCH it go INTO MY MOUTH!!!). I did not gain anything back, thankfully, but I sure as heck did not lose. We have been back 3 weeks now and I am having trouble getting back into the swing of things... it is REALLY hard. Again, I am not gaining, but I'm not losing. I have been good the last 3 days or so. Hoping I will have more discipline. I am hoping by Christmas I will be where I want to be. (That seems a LONG way off!)

HOW ARE WE DOING IT? - calorie counting pure and simple.

Eat less, move more.

Calories in/calories out.

Less input/more output.

I get 1500 calories per day.

Mr. M gets 2400 calories per day.

Update on our Fam:

Mr. M is still progressing nicely in his sobriety.

He has 16 months.

It is not perfect.

I still get very fearful and suspicious and controlling.

Drummer had his birthday party and we had 40 old teens/young adults over and Mr. M disappeared and didn't tell me where he was going (at 10PM). He sauntered back in a little bit later and I was a little panicky and accusatory. He was ashamed, hurt and pissed so he did not comfort me or assuage my fears. He acted all cavalier and like I was over-reacting and "what's the big deal". this was all SUCH old behavior and did nothing to quell my fears. We were able to talk it out and work through it and he admitted he was ashamed and embarrassed and wished he could go to the store without me freaking out... but he realizes it is HIS past behavior that puts us in that position. Blah blah blah. We shall see, you know? In the meantime, I am powerless over Mr. M and my life is unmanageable.

I am still in therapy and I STILL feel like I am growing and making progress... so as long as that is true, I will keep going.

The kids are doing well.

Hacker is planning a mission trip for several months to Africa.

Drummer is getting ready to head off to college *sniff sniff*.

Bub is about to get his driver's license.

Girlie is an emotional roller coaster - teenage girls... CRAZY!!!

xo

THE DIET - Part I

I am hungry.

Mr. M Moves In

It has been a LONG 3 years.

Because that is such an understatement, I am going to say it again.

It has been a long 3 years.

And actually longer than that.

I just found OUT that Mr. M was drinking 3 years ago but he had been drinking for a couple years before I found out.

So, it's been a long 5+ years!

I told Mr. M he could move back in when he got a year sober and finished his 4th & 5th steps:

#4  - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
#5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Well, he got his year sober and did steps 1-5.

So he moved back in.

The transition didn't happen over night though.

When he had several months sober, he started spending one night at home.  Then after a couple more months, it was 2 nights.  Eventually we hit 3 and then even 4... he would spend the whole weekend.  So we didn't go from cold turkey to moving in.  

But I was surprised to find that it was still nice to have those couple days a week as a "pressure release valve".  Getting away from each other was nice and a way to keep us in the "honeymoon" phase of his recovery.

When he moved back in, all bets were off.

He suddenly wanted his end table back.

He took up half the bed and wrestled away the sheets.

He took back half the closet.

He started bitching about my messiness (he is the neatnik of the family).

We started marriage counseling (we need it!!!).

We were doing pretty darn well, in my humble opinion and it was all good until THE DIET.

Calorie counting, hunger, detoxing from bad eating (and diet cola) and trying to be a loving married couple do not go together.

More on THE DIET coming soon.

Politics & Jesus

I have actually been thinking and re-thinking about my stance on my faith and my politics.

In my state there have been many gay Marriage acts up for voting over the years.
So far, the "conservative" vote has prevailed.
I have always been on that side.

I believed that gay couples have most of the same legal rights as married couples and can't marriage just be lieft the way it was originally conceived and defined, for hetero couples?

As Gay Marriage has been repeatedly been voted down, the gay community (and increasingly, the non-gay community) has begun to see the Christian community not for its awesome values and loving heart but for its "hatred" and political power (putting Bush in office etc.).

Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and my views have not changed... Biblical truth is ALWAYS true... it does not change "like the shifting shadows" (from the book of James in the Bible). And I believe the Bible says practicing homosexuality is a sin.

But more and more I am believing that being a Christ-follower is LESS about politics and more about just following Christ.

As Christians LOVE others and SERVE others and LIVE OUT Christ's commands in a quiet, loving, obedient way... our ACTIONS will shout out the difference and we will not need to shout our our beliefs.

Jesus (when he was on earth) focused on LOVING sinners... we never saw Him getting involved in politics of the day. He just went about His business of loving, saving, and healing people.

I think Christians more and more are perceived as HATERS who are AGAINST things - Although I know this is the agenda of anti-Christians, to make us look this way, they do not need a lot of help, we do it to ourselves.

Specifically with the gay marriage issue:
#1 - It is VERY difficult to have a logical non-Biblical reason for not allowing gay people to get married... and since most Americans do not necessarily believe in the bible any more, this is a tough pill for more Americans to swallow. "Gay marriage is wrong because the Bible says so." Many responses now-a-days would be "So?"

The Bible says it is wrong, therefore Christians say it is wrong, but people who do not believe the Bible cannot be expected to think or feel this way... their "right' and "wrong" are not absolutes and do not come from the Bible.
#2 - Some gay couples may look & act more loving than many hetero couples.
#3 - Sadly, hetero marriages can no longer be said to be "forever" with divorce and remarriage rates being SO high now,
#4 - Sadly, "Christian" marriages do not look much better than secular marriages with divorce statistics,
#5 - All denominations of Christians are being lumped together and even Christianity itself is being lumped together with other religions (mormons etc.) in these conservative issues which make use harder & harder to tell who is who - CONFUSING for non-Christian. (Heck, it is confusing for the Christian community!!!)

#6 - While I may believe the practice of homosexuality is a sin. I am a sinner too. ALL people are sinners (if I'm human, I am a sinner.) Jesus died for ALL sins and sinners... Jesus has redeemed ALL sinners and loves us all and offers us all forgiveness and wholeness and a way out. THIS is the message I would MOST want the gay community to get from me and my fellow Believers; LOVE. Period.

I am beginning to think that perhaps we (as Christians) should back of from the political arena with a lot of Christian issues and simply LIVE it in an uncompromising way.
Let the dark be dark... let it become blacker and blacker and then let the LIGHT of God shine even brighter in that darkness ("And they'll know we are Christians by our LOVE.")

Let "this little light" of ours shine in the growing darkness!

Does this mean Christians should stop running for office? - NO.
Does this mean we should not vote our conscience? - NO.
Does this mean we should just allow ALL manner of evil to occur? - not necessarily (although it already is occurring... and We - Jesus' Church - just look like we are HATERS).

For example, abortion is not just a sin, it is also MURDER.
This is not just a morality issue.
If we lived in Germany during WWII what would our call have been in the slaughter of millions of innocent jews and disabled and political criminals?!?...

To quietly love Jews and hide them and smuggle them out?

or to stand up against evil and risk our own lives to save them?

Was this about HATING the Nazis or about loving the Jews???

And what about slavery?
As Christians, this was about the value of life and human worth in the eyes of God.
It was worth a civil war and an underground railroad... it was not just sin... it was about LIFE being sacred.

This is the way I feel about abortion... we need to do with abortion what we should have done with slavery & the holocaust.

But I would err on the side of being lovers who are FOR Christ and FOR people and Christ-followers FIRST and protesters and marchers and "haters" who are "against" abortion last.

Again, I have not necessarily "landed" any where yet... these are just things I have been ruminating on lately.

Love & Peace.

A New Behavior PART 1

I am trying new things and they are HARD & scary, but true.

LOOOOOONNG story short (or - I just went back and re-read my whole post and actually maybe "long story LONG"):

Bub was due to get his driving permit.

He had done all his part to be ready.

I needed to do my part.

I forgot to sign him up and pay for the behind-the-wheel classes - and you need to have proof of this BEFORE taking the permit test.

I realized this the night before the test at 8PM.

I should have just apologized and told him we would reschedule.

But I didn't want to do that, so I picked up the phone and called a relative who is a driving instructor for a living. He rushed over and gave us the certificate (so thoughtful and kind).

Problem solved.

Bub got his permit and all was happy.

NOT.

The relative I called has some ISSUES.

We have not let him be around out kids for some time (especially Bub) because we think he is secretly not only gay, but a bit of a pedophile.

***********************

LET ME CLARIFY several things before I move ahead with the story.

#1 - I say "secretly gay" because he is married and not open and up front about being gay.

I actually think he is in denial and has not admitted it even to himself.

#2 - I understand that one can be hetero or gay and be a pedophile and one can be hetero or gay and NOT be a pedohile.

I am just clarifying that in THIS particular case, I believe this relative is likely gay AND a pedophile.

#3 - For purpose of clarity, I said "bit" of a pedophile because I am not SURE and I hate to accuse, but here are my thoughts:

He doesn't seem attracted to LITTLE LITTLE kids, but rather young pubescent boys (12-16).

I do not know that he has ever acted on it.

But he seems to have an intense attraction (he gravitates toward and bonds with this age group overtly)... which does not make someone a pedophile.

However, his wife found 13 bookmarked "twink" porn sites (young, underage appearing, bald/shaved male porn) on his computer. AND his intense friendships with boys AND accusations - later taken back, but HELLO?, still initially accused - of a little inappropriate behavior with young teen boys in a home where he once lived.

****************************************************

So - and I HATE admitting this - I guess I USED this relative to get what I wanted & needed with no thought to his needs and feelings. I selfishly called him and he lovingly responded and met my need.

Then he knew Bub was taking classes and, of course, planned to be the one to teach him.

3 two-hour sessions alone in the car together.

Now I feel guilty.

I called him.

I shouldn't have, but I did.

He didn't call me.

He didn't ask.

I did.

So I dragged him in to this to get MY needs met and now I want to say "NO, pervert. You can't drive my son."

That seems so mean and heartless that I think I need to let my son drive with him... after all I owe that to him, right???

Well, that doesn't seem right either? Sacrifice my son and just HOPE everything is OK because I made a selfish mistake and called him???

It HURTS and is humiliating to admit to myself and to you that I only thought of myself and my selfish needs to make my kids happy.

Anyhow, Bub got his permit.

But then Uncle wanted to do the first driving lesson.

I scheduled lesson on a Sunday, Uncle's day off. ("Sorry, that was the only day that would work.")

Uncle reworked schedule to be able to be the one to take Bub... I don't think in a predatory way, just to be nice (and he IS a great driver).

So what do I do?

Do I let Bub go with him or do I say "Sorry, I made a mistake, I am a terrible person"?

My folks both said something along the lines of: "Oh, nothing will probably happen, you should let Bub drive with Uncle"... no one wants to hurt Uncle's feelings (wonder where I got it?? That dysfunctional alcoholic family thinking is generational).

Confession: I was going to send Bub with Uncle.

I am not proud of this.

I am sad and sickened.

But I was.

Honestly.

I felt like I owed it to him after I brought HIM into it.

I was a terrible person and this was my consequence (or something like that).

This is my lifetime behavior. This is what I have always done. This is "comfortable". This is my knee-jerk reflex.

What stopped me from doing what I have always done?

The only thing that I can really say is that I realized I didn't want to tell Dr. (my therapist).

As I was making the decision, I realized that I did not want to tell Dr. that I was going to allow my child to go in the car for 2 hours alone with someone about whom I had concerns... that I WOULDN'T tell Dr... That I couldn't tell him.

I followed that logic then:

Why can't I tell Dr.?

He wouldn't understand... He would think it was wrong.

If it is NOT wrong and it is right then you should be able to do it AND tell Dr.

NO. It wouldn't make sense to him why I did it.

Why does it make sense to YOU why you would do it?

Because it is not Uncle's fault. I dragged him into it. he didn't ask to be dragged in. I can't hurt him like that.

Yes, but what about your Bub... isn't it more important to protect Bub?

Well nothing will probably happen. I mean after all, Bub is 15 now. And Uncle wouldn't try anything on the job and it is a driving lesson... driving... around town... in a car... it will be OK.

Well, then you should be comfortable telling Dr. then.

No WAY!!!

And somehow even though I somehow deluded myself into thinking this was sane, Dr.'s sanity guided me (or shamed be or scared me) into making a good decision I could not make for myself.

I just had to face the music and OWN the fact that I had been selfish with Uncle and not avoid that or pretend it didn't happen or try to make it like it didn't.

I was selfish.

I used him.

That was wrong.

I am sorry.

It is not OK for me to let Bub drive with him.

Period.

Let the chips fall where they may.

I am learning and growing but MAN, is it long and tough and painful.

I pray I do better next time (and the next and the next).

My Secret Blog

This is my secret blog.

I have a "real" blog that people can see that has family photos and updates about kids sports and plays and proms and birthdays.

I guess I shouldn't call it my "real" blog, I should call it my public blog.

It IS real... it is all real and good and important stuff... but so is this one.

It is real too.

it is real.

Both are real.

Secret stuff and public stuff are both real.

This one is associated with a secret email address and is anonymous so I have to keep myself signed out all the time and then I get lazy about signing out of my "public" blog and then secretly signing onto this one and then making sure I log out of this one etc.  So sometimes I get lazy about coming here and writing this one.

And maybe I like to forget these things... the alcoholic family things.  

Maybe I kinda like to pretend this is all "in the past" and just linger on the "public" blog stuff (the sports, proms, plays, and parties).

But again, both are real and true.

When I come here, it is like a secret indulgence... a guilty pleasure.

It is my journal online.

But Mr. M or one of my kids isn't going to find it under my mattress one day and say "GASP!!! You felt what?!?!?!?"  It is just me and the page and whoever chooses to join me (hi... thanks for stopping by).

Just because Mr. M is in recovery right now and working a program and using a sponsor and doing his steps and we are in therapy and we are making some progress does not mean we are healed or no longer an alcoholic home.  So this whole journal stays true.

It is still real.