Therapy Update (11/12/12)

I have had a lot of anxiety lately.  A lot.  Like profound, pervasive anxiety.

Over the years, when I have it, I can usually trace it back to something external and specific like "Oh hey, I have been drinking coffee every morning for 6 weeks, could THAT have something to do with it?"... I cut out the coffee and within 3 days, I am back to my "normal" anxious self :)  I have had it happen with certain supplements I tried and a new "green" drink etc.  This time, I couldn't think of anything new that I was doing (except taking 'miralax' - haha!).

I started to wonder if it was my reaction to feeling 'obligated' to delve into some childhood issues in therapy.  I have alway been pretty detached from childhood memories.  I mean, I can REMEMBER some stuff (there's a lot I don't remember), but it is detached from emotions.  I was telling my therapist about this and I had JUST finished saying "I don't have any EMOTION attached to my childhood memories that I can tap into"... but then I thought that when I had closed my eyes recently and pictured a small memory and really ket myself REMEMBER it - as that 7 year old - I could feel a bit of emotion coming up (which I quickly pushed down :/ plus I started shallow breathing (borderline hyperventilating) and my heart was pounding and fast.  So I said to Dr. "I mean, I guess if I close my eyes and REALLY focus and see the memory and get into it, feelings come up".  So that led to us talking about "going there".

So then I think I knew that is what I should be working on in therapy.
Now, to clarify, Dr. will never take me where I don't want to go.
Sometimes I want him to FORCE me to go somewhere.
He won't... it is not his methodology.
This is why I have been in therapy 1x per week for 4.5 years (with one 6 month break when Mr. M was out of work).  We go at my pace and I am HEAVILY defended and shut down. But slowly, but surely, I have grown to trust Dr. and myself and to naturally GO places and FEEL feelings I never would've imagined before.  (Side note, which is a whole different entry - I have actually ATTACHED to my therapist recently... it only took 4.5 years, but I LOVE him.  I am attached to him and feel loving feelings toward him and "miss" him/get homesick for him. I am actually pretty stoked about this as I am not an easy truster or lover and I can see the evidence of my defenses breaking down.  And if I can learn to do it with him, then I feel hope that I can do it in 'outside' relationships too!)
So I am in session and I am telling Dr. about my profound anxiety but I don't know WHAT it is from. I name some things (legitimate things) going on in my life;
Hacker & Wifey are moving 2 hours away and having a baby!!!! - I am going to be a Grandma!
Drummer is getting married and he and Sweetie are moving an hour away but he is going to be travelling for work a LOT.
Bub is out of state at university.
Girlie is DRIVING.
Mr. M has almost a year sober and I live in terror that he will relapse (I think because I am afraid I have reached my limit and will actually want to leave him this time - Huh!  That is something else to explore; what if I didn't set that 'rule' for myself?  What if I just acknowledged that I would stay with him?  Would I feel any better?  I don't think so... because I am REALLY tired  - exhausted - and DONE.)
My job is going to be basically gutted by ObamaCare and making money and being able to support myself when Mr. M goes off the deep-end is a DEEP DEEP comfort to me.  Losing that is TERRIFYING.
That is my list of anxiety producing stuff.  Again, all legitimate, but I wondered aloud if those were kind of red herrings so I could avoid what is REALLY plaguing me; the fear of looking at my 5-year old (or 3 year old/ or 7 year old/ or 13 year old) feelings.  I said I wasn't sure.  Dr. said it sounded plausible.

I have that internal clock that kind of tells me when session is going to be wrapping up soon, and as we crept up on that time, I had a brief a wave of relief dart through my brain like "Phew!  I got away clean!".   I ALMOST missed it, it was so fleeting, but I grabbed hold of it and dragged it back and pulled it out into the light and told Dr. about it.  That meant I was actively and purposely avoiding it.  [SIDE NOTE - I am SHIVERING as I write this... it feels lik I am COLD, but I have learned this is a response to suppressed emotion... I am giving myself away.  - A lot of times I do this when I am confronting someone which is breaking a rule or when I am standing up for myself which is also breaking a rule... INTERESTING!]

So Dr. said we still had time.
But I said I didn't want to go there.
But I did.
But I didn't.
He said "OK... well maybe we can talk about what you are afraid will happen if you do."
That was good... to talk around it a little.
I honestly wasn't sure.
I just knew that if my heart was racing and I was shallow breathing, it was SCARY and those symptoms were telling me I didn't want to lean into it any more!
I might be afraid of losing the relationship I have with my parents (which is a little shallow on my side, but they don't seem to mind?)... we do Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthdays and I enjoy that.  I don't know WHY I am afraid of that... maybe just that I won't WANT to stay in relationship with them? (Not sure.)  Dr. wondered if I didn't trust HIM to be there to walk through it with me (because I can't trust my parents or anyone else).  That didn't resonate at the time, but I am sure it is probably true.

So my session ended there.
I go back tomorrow.

In between, I started reading "Hiding From Love" by Dr. John Townsend... it is kind of old but a lot of it is resonating with me and encouraging me to TRY to come out of hiding and be seen.  Because it is IN RELATIONSHIP that we heal.

This is all extremely anxiety producing, but GOOD.
I KNOW KNOW KNOW that these buried feelings of aloneness and abandonment are what drive me into hiding and drive me 'underground'... they drive a lot of the sick relational choices I make.  They are what I have been avoiding (to survive) my whole life.  If I can press in and FEEL these feelings which feel SOOOOOO big (because they WERE when I was little), I feel HOPE that I might finally be FREE.

I SO want to write this journey down in case it is helpful to anyone else out there asking;
Should I go to therapy?
Should I quit therapy?
I have been going to therapy for 1 whole year... I should be "better" now, right?
Is therapy worth it?

Sometimes I get embarrassed;
Why is this taking so long?
I should be done by now.
I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
I had good parents who cared and tried hard, what could be so wrong with me?
Am I just a self-obsessed navel gazer?  Should I just suck it up and put on my big girl panties and move on?

First of all, those are mean negative self talk.
Second, I have a really good therapist... they aren't all that good.
Third, I am growing and changing and SEE the evidence in my relationships.
Fourth, I have KNOWN I was broken and stunted and hidden my whole life... I am not making this up.
Fifth, I am reasonably sure I am using the embarrassment and shame above as MORE self-protection to stop therapy and avoid feeling.  (If I can SHAME myself out of it maybe I will stop.)

So, I am writing this down for ME too.
A 'travel journal' of my growth - which admittedly is often 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
I don't think I will ever regret writing it, but I think there is a risk that I WILL regret it if I don't.