The FUN in dysFUNctional!

To my knowledge, I was not abused or molested when I was a child so any memories I delve into are not going to be long-buried tales of abuse.

I just know I was very adult (parentified) at a young age because somehow, somewhere, I got the message that I was on my own and had to take care of myself because no one else would.  (By 3, I would hurt myself and not let anyone hug or comfort me.  Once, at 9, I thought our house was on fire and I knew it would be up to me to rescue my little brother and I had to make the decision to let my parents burn up because they didn't listen to me warn them that i smelled smoke and I couldn't save everyone, so I chose my brother and knew I would have to let my parents go.  I had a plan to RAISE my brother and provide for him after that.  Side note - my house was NOT on fire and my parents did NOT burn up.  It is more a story about how alone I THOUGHT I was... I will have to explore those feelings in another post.)

Most people would wonder WHERE my little brain got this idea because I had a very stable and loving household.  We lived in a planned, suburban community with cookie cutter flamingo pink homes.  My dad worked and supported us so my mom could stay home and take care of us.  My mom made dinner every night with a protein and carb and a vegetable, she planned birthday parties, she was my girl scout leader.  My dad traveled a lot.  He would be gone for up to 2 weeks at a time.  But we knew he would come home, he CARED about us, and he worked hard for us.

I felt guilty for a long time and felt disloyal being critical of my upbringing when my life was so great and my parents had tried so hard.
But that didn't get me anywhere.  I was still stuck in painful cycles and isolation.  Don't get me wrong, I had friends.  Maybe even what you would consider a lot of friends.  But I didn't let anyone IN.  I didn't TRUST.  I didn't ask for help.  I held people at a distance.
I should actually - if I were being honest - make those all present-tense.  Because even though I am doing MUCH better, I am still stuck in painful cycles and isolation.  I have friends.  Maybe even what you would consider a lot of friends.  But I don't let people IN.  I don't TRUST.  I don't ask for help.  I hold people at a distance.

Why?

My dad was sexually abused as a child.
My mom never remembered having been molested but went through some 'intensive regressive' therapy years ago and said she had some 'body memories' of having been molested.
This may ruffle a lot of feathers and offend and cause discomfort, but I am a big believer that "water finds its own level" - meaning we marry people with like levels of dysfunction.  So, if on a scale of 1-10, I think my husband is an "8" of dysfunction, there is no way I am a mere 2.  I PICKED him for a reason.  Our levels of dysfunction are similar.  Our attachment injuries are similar.  We are familiar to each other (and with our levels of dysfunction)... it feels like "home".
Many times one person in a relationship is the most 'obviously' sick one (addicts, alcoholics, obese, ragers, porn addicts, gamblers, cheaters, etc.)... they are called the "identified patient".  The other person is usually JUST as sick but they often don't LOOK as sick to the outside world.  They hold it all together while the other person falls aart.  They are the rational, adult person.  They often fix, save, enable and control.  But keep in mind, they PICKED that "sick" person... they were familiar to them!  (Maybe repeating relationship patterns of Mom or Dad etc.)  All this to say that even if my mom WASN'T molested, my dad with his 'level 8' damage from molestation (please know that I am randomly making this whole "level" thing up for sake of illustration) was who she was attracted to and wanted to link her cart to and bring children into the world with.  This was not because she was a "2" weirdly attracted to an "8".  It is because her level of injury from her childhood (molested or not) matches my dad's, who WAS molested... so regardless, she was one hurt and wounded and alone little girl.
(My dad's only sibling was abused by the same abuser and has been married 5 times and is currently single.  She has never said she is gay, but I suspect she might be and MIGHT be happier if she would just embrace that part of herself.  My mom's siblings are much more "high functioning" but there is a lot of heavy drinking, anger, family feuds, jealousy, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.)

Those were the 2 people who raised me.  They were injured, hurt, emotionally abandoned people doing the best they could with what THEY had been given.  And they gave us WAY more then they had been given!

I am the oldest of 4 children.  You can see some evidence of our wounds by how we are turning/have turned out and the choices we have made;
* I am married to an alcoholic addict (again, if he is an "8", then we can safely assume I am in that range as well).  I am the firstborn "hero" child.  I am controlling, high functioning, and a performer.
* My brother married a girl who has cheated on him multiple times and even got pregnant with on of her affairs.  They are still married.  (If I gave you the background on HER and her family, you would gasp.)  My brother lives in a home my parents bought him and didn't work for 2 years (even though he has his own kids plus more they are raising) while my parents supported him.
* My other brother is still an alcoholic and addict albeit functioning.  He currently lives at home with my folks while he pays off debt.  He does have a job.  He is still single and has a tough time with relationships; he has unrealistic expectations and inappropriate connections.  (he will date a girl for a week and be talking marriage and then turn angry, rejecting and volatile when she backs away a little because it is feeling a bit smothering and weird.)
*My sister married a verbally bullying man who didn't work (he let my dad support them) and surfed the internet looking at gay porn (13+ bookmarked sites, none hetero).  She divorced him.  She lives in a home my parents bought her and pay for.  She works for my dad.  She drives a car my parents bought her.  She has a GAS card from my parents.  My mom still has a clothing and hair budget for her.  (She is an adult woman.)
We are all smart and funny - I know I don't WRITE funny, but in person, I am :)  - and socially delightful 'performers'.  (I am a public speaker, my brother wants to be a senior pastor, my brother is in the entertainment industry and dreams of making it big, my sister is trying to be an actress.)
We keep the FUN in dysFUNctional!

This is all background for some of the stuff I am working on in therapy right now.
I want to delve into some feeling and memories in my journaling here on my blog and I think it will be helpful if I can refer to THIS background post for background to my story.
My memories are not going to be groundbreaking (to my knowledge).  They are going to be "little" memories of things that happened when I was young that are SYMBOLIC of deeper feelings that resonate throughout my childhood.
So for example, if my dad missed my birthday when I was 6 - he didn't actually, it's just an example - and I remember that and I write about it, it might seem trivial (trust me, it does to me too!... that is partly why I am embarrassed to delve into it... it is so "nothing" compared to other peoples' "real" pain - this is what I tell myself to minimize myself and devalue my own hurt).  However, if I let myself FEEL my feelings (how that felt to little 6 year old heart) maybe I will see that at the core of that I have deeper issues of feeling unseen and unloved and abandoned - feeling that have resonated throughout my my WHOLE life, that I grapple with today (that drive my feelings and choices and treating myself with low value).  Also, perhaps I am my brain is letting out "smaller" memories to see how I handle them and if I am loving, accepting and kind and safe before delving into harder ones... I have NO IDEA... but I am going to work with what I have and what my hidden self chooses to reveal.

I was going to journal a memory today, but the need for background rose up stronger.  (Necessary?  Or a defense mechanism because I don't WANT to look at or feel???  THAT is open to interpretation! :)

So I will journal some memories next time and see where they lead.
xo