Monday, November 26, 2012

The Baby that Made me a Mom

25 years ago - when I was just 17 - I fell in love (true and real love) for the first time.
With my chubby, angel-faced baby, Hacker.
I had never loved anyone or anything how I loved him.
I wanted to be a better ME for him... he deserved my best.
And oh how I tried to be amazing for him.
I succeeded a lot!!!!
I also failed miserably a lot of the time.
I did some great things and tried really hard not to shame and to encourage and to not compare and to champion.  I also yelled and slapped and dominated/controlled him in my immature parenting.
Plus I was dysfunctional in dealing with my alcoholic marriage and my own codependency and my insecurity and fear and self-protectedness and disconnection (in order to protect myself) and shame and inability to let myself feel feelings (for all of the above reasons).
He was a SWEET SWEET kid.
He had some rough teen years and we actually even had to send him away for half a year to a 'troubled teen' school.
But he righted himself and went back to being the SWEET guy he'd always been.
He is an extrovert like his Mama.
He is a pleaser (also like his mama).
He is kind and loving and fun.
He always tried to be chipper and not make waves... I am sure he will have a hard road of learning to be allowed to have feelings and NOT be pleasing and to accept his frailties (just like I did/am).
He is married and they are getting ready to have their first baby in the Spring.
And now he has taken a job that he is thrilled about - 2 hours away!
It is a good move for him.
It will be awesome for him to stretch his wings and for them to get more autonomy as a couple and a growing little family.
I am happy for them.
And I also know it's not THAT far.
All that said, I am teary as I write this.
He is a delight to my soul and I love having him near.
I love that he just pops by and hangs out... and I love that he now brings his wife to do it with him.
My family has grown and my heart has expanded.
I don't WANT them to be far away... I am sad.
All the above feelings are all coexisting at the same time in me.
I am happy AND I am sad.
And MAN am I gonna miss him.


  1. Not having feelings sucks worse than suffering through anxiety, I think.

    I hope your mistakes are fixable; if not, I hope you can forgive yourself. Sheesh, that sounds like a therapist. Have yourself a smile!

    1. Thankfully, so far all my mistakes have been very fixable. Hacker and I are quite close and I am grateful to be close to his Wife as well! I forgive myself and am still honest that I made many mistakes. I also have to have some compassion that I tried really hard.
      I am learning to agree that not having feelings is worse than anxiety :)

  2. Well, seems you have managed to raise a stable man. Congradulations on that and on becoming a grandma!!!

    I understand your sadness, BUT... 2 hours is nothing, easily driven... There is always someone who has it worse...

    I've been married for 17 years.. Have 3 beautiful amazing children.. They have huge hearts of gold!! My proudest and greatest achievement is them!

    My husband on the other hand, has many issues (bipolar alcoholic) :-( We have all been through so much. But to make a long story short... I have no family, no friends, no job, nothing.., my husband lost everything we had because of his drinking... We lost money, we lost our house... You name it, we lost it. I am blamed for every single thing, including his past before he even met me!!! He controls with fear, I am non-confortational, soft and quiet... Usually walking on eggshells. We are emotionally and WERE physically abused (the physical is over, well for now) he doesn't see any of that or at least it doesn't phase him.

    Last year it got so bad that I took the two youngest kids, ages 5 and 11... And left. My oldest is 18, he has a very smart level head, and is extremely mature... He is my rock... Always a happy spirit just like me.

    Anyway, leaving my oldest was horrific... 3000 miles away crushed me :-(

    2 hours doesn't sound bad to me... And he will always be close to you... You are his mother... Continue to call and visit when you are able, and perhaps even ask if they need any help to prepare for baby or anything else :) Maybe make them some freezer meals to have after the baby is born... Being alone in life I do realize something... The old saying is true... You need a village to raise a child... Meaning the more love in that child's life will make that child just blossom!! (my kids turned out amazing... But my heart a little sad for them cause they kinda only had me)

    What happened to me? Well the kids and I had no where to go :-( ... My mother-in-law took us in, my husband went to AA... And anger mngmnt classes... Had also been in the hosp on a suicide watch because I had found out about some sexual abuse from his childhood. ... Aftr all that, which I was very worried about him, he seemed so much better... He was on meds and seemed like a normal person... I was exhausted.. I missed my oldest and hubby missed the two youngest kids... So with my mother-in-laws help, recently we came back.

    We are still adjusting right now and is very wobbly. I am by no way shape or form on stable ground.

    Sorry I went off here and there... Like said, I am shaking with all this still... But 2 hours not so bad... Be proud and keep your head up :-)

    1. I agree that 2 hours is pretty near, all things considered... AND he is he doing his dream job. I am used to focusing on the "good stuff" and then burying any sad feelings I might have. "Don't feel sad, it's only 2 hours away!" etc... but now I am trying to FEEL my feelings and be honest with the truth of what is going on inside me. So to be loving to myself, I am trying to let myself FEEL that even though it is not terribly far compared to some people, it is a big change for me and a loss for me and that has me feeling sad.
      It feels good and kind to allow myself to have my feelings and be honest about them. I LOVE blogging for that reason!!!!

      That sounds very painful to have your oldest child who you love so much be SO far from you!!!!!! What a loss!

      If I could be so bold as to offer my 2 cents (which you can choose to listen to or not);
      *Get to some Al-Anon meetings.
      *Consider some GOOD therapy if there is any way you can afford it. Don't trust a therapist who says you can be better in 12 sessions. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and it is AWESOME to be healing from the inside out!
      *Connect to people and make friends... don't do this alone and don't let your husband be the cause of you isolating.
      *Your kids need therapy and alateen and friends also.
      *There is a saying "you are only as sick as your secrets"... when you start sharing and connecting and talking and telling and making friends, you will get healthier and happier and your husband's disease - while still painful - will have less of a strangle hold on you and the kids.
      *Staying with a mentally ill, alcoholic abuser is not necessarily the best gift to our kids who are our proudest and greatest achievements. I KNOW this is painful, but sometimes, if we love our kids, the best thing we could do is leave their dad :(

      Hugs to you.

  3. Beautiful post! It really is a gift to be able to feel the feelings and have feelings about our feelings. Even if it's hard! But I hope you make an easy transition to the longer distance between you too. And two hours isn't too bad. I have this belief that with every challenge comes a benefit, so hopefully I'm right .