Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I have through-the-roof anxiety.
It is about nothing specific and yet everything at once.
Dr. says it is like "birthing pains"... stuff I have been holding down for so long pushing its way to the top.  But the anxiety is another layer it needs to push through.
He said the dream I had about Mr. M loving someone else - and the FEELINGS it brought up - is probably at the root.
THOSE feelings of devastation... abandonment... rejection... not being loved... aloneness... being left for someone more lovable... fear... loss... the DEPTH of those... the profoundness of that loss... that is the stuff I have been burying for years (almost 43, to be exact).
UGH!!!!  I do NOT want to welcome those feelings or lean into them.  So I can SEE where the anxiety comes from.
I am NOT ok.
I am unwell.
The level of anxiety I am experiencing is making me quite exhausted because I have this constant adrenaline pumping through my body and my heart is racing.  So I feel like I am tense and stressed ALL DAY.  This fear of loss and not being ok and not being loved and my kids leaving me or something happening to them or Mr. M drinking or leaving me of me losing clients... all the things that would make me NOT OK.
And I am caught in an impasse.
I do not want to move forward into the pain I am avoiding but neither can I leave it this way.

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