Lost A Client Today

About 6 weeks ago I as helping a client with a big project.  They decided to put off the implementation until the first of the year, which was an unexpected turn.  Switching gears on a dime, I (in a conference call) worked with the client to come up with a laundry list of things I needed to do to make that happen.  With how fast everything happened, I missed one important detail; the price I quoted could possibly jump significantly by moving to 1/1/13.  I caught my oversight and went back to the client right away.  He was LIVID that I missed that in our meeting.  It was "unacceptable".  He wanted to look to hire someone else instead of me.  The contacts I work with at his company valiantly defended me and tried to salvage the relationship and for a month I have been working my @$$ off for them living in an almost constant state of near panic HOPING that they would stay with me, but today I heard the news that they signed a new contract with a competitor.  I held it together for the conversation when my contact broke up with me the promptly got off the phone and burst into tears.  I can't usually sustain crying for very long, so it only lasted about 90 seconds, but I was morose all day.  I felt as if someone died.  I was grief stricken.

I am trying to make space for my emotions and feel them and maybe even understand them a little.
I know the loss of the income (10% of my annual income) is HUGE for me.  Money is a BIG deal to me.  It is the basket I put most of my emotional eggs in.  If I have money, I am ok... if I do not, I am not.  Period.
(Growing up, I think money was love.  My dad is not very good at loving but he is good at buying stuff and throwing money at a problem and that needs to be enough to suffice for love.  My siblings and I have always accepted that.  In fact, in bread a lot of laziness and under-functioning where my dad needs to rescue and save and fix and support.  My dad doesn't really know what do do with people when they are doing ok and do not NEED him.)
That said, I am fixated on money.  If I feel ok today about money, then I am more free and unburdened... I will buy my child that new video game.  If emotionally, I am NOT feeling ok about money today, we should never go on vacation again.  And it is completely subjective.  It is often driven by my moods.  So imagine how big it is when it is NOT subjective, but based on a real loss!

Add to that the fact that I am a pleaser and this hits at the core of my identity (my false self) that I can work hard enough and tap dance fast enough to be pleasing to ALL people and you have the perfect storm.  I failed at pleasing my client AND I lost a lot of money.  When I am not good enough (pleasing enough), I am not OK.  When I don't have enough money, I am not OK.  When both happen at once, it is breakdown time.  I have TONS of fear plus not being pleasing (and making a mistake) make me feel shame.  PLUS, having this much of a meltdown over money makes me feel shame too... I "shouldn't" have this much fear and anxiety about money.

Then, my dad instantly jumps in to make things better.  He is DYING to have me work for him. So he can make up the extra lost income for me.  Great... that puts a bandaid on my money panic, but doesn't really address the deeper, core issue of me using money as a false filler of the void and false love.  Also, I feel ashamed that my daddy is going to come rescue me and I am going to let him (makes me feel like the loser he likes to rescue).  Plus, I feel hurt and jealous because he rescues my siblings with no real expectation that they ever earn it... but with ME there IS that expectation, plus I have that expectation of MYSELF.

So i am going to sleep tonight with feelings of grief and anxiety and sadness and hurt and shame swirling around and I feel so alone in them.

I thought of calling Dr. today to come in for an "emergency" appointment. but I didn't... i figured I could package it away until next tuesday when I see him.  (Partly because I didn't want to spend extra money and partly because I am just not in the habit of going to someone with my need when I am so raw... it is WAY more familiar to wait until I package it away and pull myself together... it would've been a REAL growth step to call him and need him.)

This journey can sometimes feel like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.