Bad Dream

I dreamt last night that Mr. M cheated on me.  The dream SEEMED to last forever.
I was HEARTBROKEN!  (Just like I am when Mr. M relapses.)
I SOBBED and sobbed throughout the dream.
I didn't try to hold it together in front of friends and others I just pulled the blanket up over my face and cried.  (NOT what I do.)
I thought of ways I could finagle to make it work, stay together, fix it (exactly what I do when I find out he is drinking/using again).
All the feelings we profoundly the same.
But there was even a new level of loss because there was another woman.
She was pleasant and appealing (not super hot, not super young, nice body though) and I could see why he was attracted to her.
He felt bad and tried to apologize and make me feel better but he wasn't necessarily trying to get back together.
I was walking across the street with my heart BREAKING and sobbing and I said to myself "You told yourself if he ever did this to you again" - referring to how I feel about if he drinks again -  "you would be done.  You weren't doing this again.  You have strength.  You can leave.  You do not need crumbs." That resonated with me and I knew it was true.  many times I have longed to be free and felt bound.  (More times I have definitely wanted to stay and been abandoned.)  I made a decision, walking across that street to hold my head high and stop groveling and be done.
I woke up at this point.
I was SOOOOOO tremendously sad.
It is devastating to think of losing something I have worked SO hard to keep alive for SO long... to have to finally give up and throw in the towel.
I snuggled over in bed next to Mr. M.  He semi-awakened (very unusual) and hugged me.
I told him I had dreamed he loved someone else.
He asked if that was why I was hugging him.
I was melancholy and anxious all day.  Because I emotionally felt like I had lived through another relapse.
This is the loss we live with when we love addicts and choose to stay with them.
Staying can be emotionally exhausting work.
One day at a time... Tonight Mr. M is sober and tonight he loves me, not someone else.