How to Find A Good Therapist

Because over the past few years people have watched my growth and change in therapy and because it looks SO different than what a lot of therapy experiences look like, I OFTEN get asked HOW to find a good therapist.  People get discouraged... they say "I have TRIED therapy before and it didn't work".
I agree!  It IS discouraging to try something and have it not work!  

Not to minimize the pain of this, but I have eaten at bad restaurants before and didn’t give up on restaurants.  There are good ones and bad ones.
I need to try others.
It also helps to ask for recommendations.  (But in the therapy world, only ask for recommendations from people who you can tell are getting healthy… that you are IMPRESSED by the progress they have made.)

Of course you will want to ask/research the basic questions:

Before anything else, do you feel like you can talk easily with the therapist?  Do you feel comfortable with them?  Can you picture yourself feeling safe with them? – If you find yourself not connecting with or feeling safe with ANY counselor, then the issue could be yours and you may want to just stay with them and try working through your fear of therapy.

What kind of license do you have? You want to see that they have extensive postgraduate counseling experience which may include up to 3,000 hours of required supervised experience and have passed a licensing exam.  (You can check with your state’s licensing board to verify.)

How long have you been practicing?

What is your area of expertise

What are your fees?

Do you accept insurance? (If yes, then check if they accept your insurance.  Are the in or out of network?)

What methodology do you believe in?

How quickly do you think you can help me? Honestly – and you are going to see my bias here – I wouldn’t pick anyone who says they can help you in 12-24 weeks, unless you are just there to quit smoking or deal with grief after the death of a loved one, something very specific.  If you are going to get help for lifetime patterns and wounds from the past, ask yourself “How long did it take me to GET this way??”  If it took you 30 years to develop these hurts and hangups, how can you HOPE to be “healed” in 12 sessions?  It is just not realistic.

Have any complaints been filed with the state licensing board?  (What are the complaints?  Have they been resolved?)

Have the done their own personal therapy?  This is important… you do not want a therapist who thinks THEY are healthy and YOU are sick and who has a  ”do as I say, not as I do” mentality.  You want someone who is working on themselves too.

Can the therapist clearly define their approach, and can even give an indication of how you will know when therapy is finished.

This are some of the business-type questions.  The “tangibles”, if you will.  The intangibles are harder to define.

Good therapy is like a good marriage.  It is not going to be perfect of problem free.  Your therapist (even the best therapist in the world) is an imperfect human being with unhealed parts of themselves.  So read this list realistically and use it as a guideline, not as law, because good therapy is imperfect.

Does the counselor encourage your dependence on him/her?  Or do they encourage you to be independent?  A good therapist isn’t trying to solve your problems, they are helping you be equipped to solve your own.  They shouldn’t be trying to soothe your feelings, they should be helping you learn to soothe your own feelings.  If your therapist provides advice, solutions, answers, or emotional support without encouraging you to access your own resources, it is more likely you will become dependent on your therapist to help you feel better, rather than learning to depend on yourself.  Sometimes I will share an issue or problem with my friends and they will ask “What did your therapist say???”  hoping he gave me the magical cure-all answer.  It is kind of a going joke now that makes us laugh because we ALL know what he said was something like “So you felt scared and upset when your son said he wanted to drop out of school…?”  (hahaha!)  HE helps me process my feelings and he is a safe person with whom to FEEL my feelings and grow, but he does not “fix” me or save me at all.

In that same vein, a good therapist should trust you to know yourself (or have the potential to know you) better than anyone else, to access your own wisdom, and to attend to your wounds yourself.   There should be a “togetherness” in the process. Albert Schweitzer said, “Each patient carries his own doctor inside him…. We are at our best when we give the doctor who resides within each patient a chance to go to work.”   This approach will put YOU in the driver’s seat of therapy.  Sometimes this is frustrating to me because I want my therapist to PUSH me (or drag me) to places I do not want to go… but if he did and I wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t go there any way.  As it is, he lets me lead.  This has taken a LONG time, but it has built trust and I have gone as I have been willing to go.  [He says he will "jiggle the door knob" to SEE if I want to open it... but if I don't, he will not force the door open.  He will wait for me.  And I DO do it... just S L O W L Y.]

Can the therapist accept feedback and admit mistakes?  A healthy therapist isn’t defensive if you need to share that something hurt or offended you.  They will be willing to look at themselves, to check their feelings, and to honestly and openly admit mistakes.  I have had to share a couple times my therapist hurt me (SUPER hard for me to do!!!!!!!!!, but I fund if I don’t do it, I end up pulling back from him and not feeling safe and that harms MY feelings about him and therefore my therapy).  I can’t tell you how awesome it is that he is a grown-up.  He can handle my feelings.  I don’t have to worry about him being defensive or having a shame reaction that will hurt me.  He is secure enough in himself that I can be safe to have my feelings.  What a relief!

Remember that your relational struggles will surface in therapy (if you are in good therapy).  For example, if you are a people pleaser and like to always be a “good girl” (or “good boy”) and do things “right”, you will find yourself trying to please your therapist and be a “good client”.  If you pick fights with friends or loved ones when you feel yourself getting too close, you will find reasons to be mad at your therapist when tough, painful, scary feelings come up.  Your protective mechanisms will surface and try to convince you to quit therapy or shut down and distance yourself.  So be aware if you find yourself wanting to quit therapy because your therapist did something wrong etc., it COULD be you.

When a therapist enters into a therapeutic relationship with a client, he or she should not have any other relationship with that client (such as teacher, friend, coworker, employer, or family member - in other words, you should not see your daughter's best friend's mom for therapy).  This is to protect you – YOUR needs (counseling-related) should be getting met (needs for empathy, understanding, support, guidance, unburdening, and healing).  A therapist should not be getting their OWN needs met by the client.  My therapist has another principle he uses in his practice that I thought was a maybe a little overboard when I first started seeing him; he will not even see any of my friends, family members, coworkers, etc.  (no one too close to me).  Now, years later, I can see the value and wisdom in that.  Since good therapy is kind of like being re-parented, it is very SAFE to feel like I am not sharing him with anyone.  He does not “like” my friend better than me, my brother is not a better client than me, etc.  I am a pleaser and I would want to share my therapist with EVERYONE I know (I would not want to selfishly keep him to myself)… He took that burden away from me… I didn’t have to handle it.  He did.  Once again, I love that he is a grown-up who can set boundaries.  Ahhhhhhhh!  What a relief!  This is another pretty stringent guideline he sets for himself; he gives me his vacation schedule for the whole YEAR in February.  Again, as a pleaser, I would say “Oh, that’s not necessary… it is ok if you want to go out of town, just let me know”… but there is actually a lot of safety and security in knowing when I can count on him being there.  I couldn’t have known this would be important to me, but deep down, if I am honest, it has been.

A good therapist is not just trying to help you get rid of your “symptoms” (anxiety, anger, stress, fighting, money fears).  They should be joining you (partnering with you) in exploring its depths/roots… THIS is where your true healing will be found.

First and foremost, therapy is a relationship.   In that relationship, when you feel safe to more fully and completely feel the presence of your “Self” while in the presence of another, healing occurs.

Is the therapist willing and able to help you go deep and to be with you while you are there.  Many of our extreme beliefs, feelings, and behaviors are maintained because we have – in an effort to survive – avoided the painful wounds and burdens buried deeply. A good therapist helps you process and complete whatever wounds (both hidden and obvious) you have carried.

This ia a LOT of information, but if I could summarize, I would say that you need to feel SAFE with a therapist, they should not judge or condemn or blame you (if you FEEL they are, tell them – because maybe it is YOU, not them – and see how they react… look at my points above about if the therapist can accept feedback or admit mistakes).  You should know they have the tools to guide you, but that they will help YOU get there yourself, not TAKE you there or force you somewhere you don’t want to go or try to fix you.  If you can find a good therapist, it will be worth every penny and hour you spend there.