Monday, November 26, 2012

I Make Mistakes

Perfectionism looks different on different people. 
For some it shows up in perfect hair, perfect body weight, perfect home, perfect children.
One way it shows up in me is my pleasing.  I can be a chameleon and lose myself to make you happy so you will like me and if you like me you won't leave me and I won't be alone.
There is not margin for mistakes - if I fail to please you, that could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and causes you to leave me.
So when I make a mistake I am FLOODED with shame and fear.
Mistakes are lethal.
When you link together my work (MONEY, my greatest fear area) and mistakes, I can go from zero to 60 of panic in milliseconds.
My mistake will not please my client and they will leave me.
And their leaving me will not just leave me alone, it will also take MONEY with it so I will be alone and will not be able to take care of myself.
I will be alone with no money.
I have convinced myself that I would at least SURVIVE if I was alone (it would suck, but I would LIVE).
But deep down, I do not believe I can survive without MONEY.

I just made my third BIG mistake with a third client today.
My human weakness and fallibility is KILLING me!!!!!!
If I can't be trusted to protect myself and keep myself ok, who CAN be?!?!?!?!?!?!
I am trying to be compassionate with myself; "You are human" / "Everyone makes mistakes"/ "You are allowed to be flawed" etc.  I am not being super mean to myself and I don't THINK I am shaming myself a ton, so that is kinda new, but I am still PANICKING!  I am not ok.  I feel terrified and exposed and alone.
Slogging through all this emotion is painful.
I want to numb it or medicate it or something (a drink, a xanax, french fries, ANYTHING).  I am trying to just lean into my feelings and to tolerate the discomfort.  That is why I am blogging right now... to just be present with my feelings.

Sometimes feelings suck.

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