I could write for WEEKS on Bub and his blossoming and evolving:
After a musical "MOM! I want to be on broadway!!!"
After a trip to a museum "MOM! I want to be an art historian!!!!"
After visiting China town "MOM!! I want to go to China!!!"
After seeing me interact with a zillion strangers and being embarrassed "Mom, I wish I had the courage to just engage in conversation like you do! It is scary for me and I have to THINK of things to say, but you just jump right in!"
After me asking if he wanted to invite friends to sightsee with us: "No Mom. This is mother/son time. We are having a great time all by ourselves." He said he didn't want to share me with them.
I can't express ENOUGH to you how much this kid (excuse me, young man) melted my heart this visit!
But what got me ruminating was how he told me none of his friends believe in "true love".
"Really?" I asked (not even entirely sure what he and his friends meant by that term).
"Yeah. I am the only one who does!"
He proceeded to explain that all his friends' parents are divorced but he believes in true love because he hasn't lived through divorce and has SEEN true love with me and his dad.
Wow! So much to unpack there.
I mean, first off... if he looked at THIS hot mess of a marriage and calls it 'true love', the poor kid has se the bar pretty low! (I am not sure whether to laugh or cry - probably both - at that.)
But more than that, this was one of the main reasons I STAYED for 24+ years of a lot of pain and loss and abandonment and hurt. I HOPED I was giving the kids SOMETHING. But I never knew if I was actually GIVING it or if they were receiving it. I got a bit of a tear in my eye when he said this because - although that is a skewed picture of 'true love' - IT MATTERED!!!! My sacrifice and suffering mattered! My child SAW it and maybe it wasn't all in vain!
This past couple of weeks since I have been home several friends have pulled me aside to tell me how much of an inspiration I have been in THEIR marriages.
"If YOU can stay, then I can stay!"
"If YOU can love Mr. M again then I can love Karl again!"
Now, I am not saying people should always stay. Because there is no guarantee that our alcoholics/addicts/cheaters/abandoners/ragers/non-providers (fill-in-the-blank) will ever change... in fact, it is more likely you will get more (and more) of the same. You know what Maya Angelou says "When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time". If your spouse/parent/child/sibling/friend/cousin (fill-in-the-blank) has shown you who they are... THAT is who they are (not our figment of who they COULD be in our fantasy... not their "potential"). They are PROBABLY not going to be different than that. There is a grandiosity and profound disfunction in thinking that OUR love is going to save or change someone.
No, I am not saying that our alcoholics/addicts/cheaters/abandoners/ragers/non-providers WON'T change either. Mr. M has plenty of friends with 16, 25, 37 years sober in the program! It CAN be done!!!!
But if we stay, we have to stay ready for either.
My friends said they not only admired me for staying and for the inspiration I provided but also for the way Mr. M and I are still able to love each other and that I don't stay stuck in bitterness and rage and "owing". I appreciated them saying that because I work HARD not to dwell there. I have been (and continue to feel the ebb and flow of feeling) hurt, abandoned, disappointed, angry, lonely, and regretful, but I really DO make an effort to say that IF I am going to stay with Mr. M and take him back after a month-long binge, a job loss, pissing on the sofa, hospitalization, stint in rehab, year out of the home etc., then I need to do it not out of a sense of charity or nobility or grudgingly... I need to do it for free. No strings attached. I don't think someone can stay sober if they are always in a 'lower' position, owing us. (To clarify - It is not a completely "clean slate". We have to work through hurt feelings that crop up a LOT! I am in therapy. He is in therapy. He goes to 3+ AA meetings a week. I am in a couple different support groups. I have boundaries to protect myself. He can have boundaries to protect HIMSELF.) Again, it felt validating to have someone NOTICE. Because it IS a lot of work and effort and commitment.
Sometimes when things feel particularly hard and long, I forget to notice how far I (we) have come and where we have been vs where we are now. So it is pretty nice to have people who have known me along the way, for a long time, compliment me and SEE me and the hard work I have put in. It makes it even more worth it.
I'm glad that you are doing your part to make the marriage work. And sometimes it does and the two of you can start again. We did. I know it can be done.
ReplyDeleteSyd,
ReplyDeleteYou are a true success story.
It gives me HOPE!
xo
This warmed my heart. I also believe that showing my kids that I am committed to their dad is "true love". They need to see that we stick to our commitments even when we aren't getting the life we signed up for.
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