Non-Eventful... I'll TAKE it!

Mr M has been back at home since his surgery so I have less time to be on the computer - to blog and READ blogs.

Also, as is my pattern (as Karen C noticed), when things are going adequately, I don't "need" it as much and go kinda dark... so I guess that is a good thing...

We have also been in the throes of the COLLEGE ADMISSIONS process.

Bub applied to 10+ colleges and all the acceptances are coming in with the various aid packages (or lack thereof). So now they are all in and he has to decide WHERE he will choose.

His top 2 choices are on the east coast - all the way across the country!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

Mama likes all her chicks in (or near) the nest!!!

But Bub has ALWAYS been the one to want to fly the coop and soar on to experience all the wonders of the world!

He is CERTAIN he won't be homesick or miss us. He may not! :)

On the plus side, it WOULD be fun to visit him in the big apple!!! I could kinda enjoy that!

Everything over here has been kind of non-eventful. I am lovin' it! In my old age - 42 - I LOVE LOVE LOVE non-eventful!!!! I will TAKE it ;)

xo

Surviving

Mr. M had his surgery. It was out patient.

MD said it was one of the worst rotator cuff tears he has seen in his career and he does 6-7 of these surgeries a week! It was torn completely from the front all the way up over the top and down the back.

So he was in AGONY.

The first night was brutal!!!!!

We barely slept.

We got the pain med situation handled where it took the edge off and he could at least KIND OF get by.

He rested for the week and started back to work Monday.

He shouldn't work but needs to.

He has a helper helping him every day because he can't DO anything... he needs to point and direct and have them DO all the work.

He is scared and sad because business is so slow.

It is going to be tough money-wise paying someone else and having so few calls, but it is kind of an HP thing in my opinion because he SHOULDN'T be doing too much work in his condition! (And his condition should last a few MONTHS!)

The MD said they had also wanted to tack down his bicep tendon but his bones were SUCH poor quality they couldn't. They said the only time they see bones like that is in 80 year old women!!! OI asked if that was from the injury or degeneration and the MD said "neither"... he said it was from substance abuse. I did a little further reading and apparently excessive binge drinking IS bad for the bones.

This was shocking and sad to me.

Of course Mr. M is in denial. he thinks the docs are wrong/mistaken.

*sigh*

I have been a loving and compassionate wife.

We have been getting along well.

I am lonely and scared, but this is just going to be a season for that. He is hurt and scared and sad and just trying to recover. It is not a season to get my needs met (but REALLY, when is?).

We got out last night and had Mexican for dinner (well, I did) and saw "21 Jump Street" (inappropriate but funny!!!!).

One day at a time.

Pre-Surgery Feelings

Mr. M's surgery is tomorrow so I had to reschedule therapy to today.

I have been kinda disconnected and numb and apathetic lately (probably as evidenced by my lack of blogging among tons of other things). I am just in survival mode.

One of my friends said I seemed 'flat'.

I was not exactly annoyed, but I was confused or something... I didn't know how to be more... more... just MORE. More what I was "supposed" to be, I guess.

I went into therapy and chit-chatted a little.

I addressed that surgery was tomorrow.

I said I MUST have some feelings but I couldn't FEEL them.

I said I must be scared that Mr. M is going to relapse... that the pain meds will spin him off and trigger a relapse. Or that the shame about the accident (I am not helping that because I am mad as hell that he got in the accident.)

Dr. asked if we had talked about this.

THIS WAS A COMPLETELY NOVEL CONCEPT.

Talked about it?

Um... huh... No... I guess not.

I mean seriously, 4 years of therapy and this had not occurred to me.

For good reason, I guess because I started crying.

Dr. said THIS is really scraping into the deepest stuff... my fear of being left... being alone.

It is probably also doing the same thing for Mr. M.

Makes sense all the fighting and anger and disconnectedness.

I have NO IDEA what THIS tapped into, but as I was getting ready to leave, I said "OK, well... the surgery is tomorrow at 1:00."

And Dr. said " Are you asking me for something?" (Or something like that.)

I was taken aback, flustered.

"Um... No... I just... um... yeah... I guess if you think of me, pray for me."

I don't even know what I meant.

I don't think I wanted prayer either exactly.

I DO know that when I started to type this I started getting teary.

And I know I felt (and feel while typing) embarrassed or ashamed (or both).

I am not - I was trained, growing up - supposed to inconvenience anyone or ask for things people can't deliver on.

I don't even KNOW what it was I wanted or hoped for... I didn't let myself get that far... I shut down instantly with shame and kinda started crying.

I asked for prayer - and that was better than nothing... but it wasn't what made me ashamed... I wanted something or needed something that -

***********************************

Wow! Whatever I was writing there REALLY touched something in me and I had to stop typing to cry for a couple minutes.

THAT'S gonna be something to explore in therapy next week!!!!!!

It really touched a nerve.

***********************************

Anyhow, I got home and told Mr. M that I needed to talk to him.

I told him I was scared of him relapsing (taking pain meds, not going to meetings etc.). He assured me he was going to try not to take meds and WOULD go to meetings. I tried to tell him that I didn't need his assurances (he can't realistically commit to that any way and if he could, I could rest in them), I just needed to share my feelings with him - however uncomfortable that makes me - and hope he could listen. He tried.

I was EXHAUSTED afterward.

Phew!

And it's not over.

These darn feelings!

Stopping the Pattern?

Saturday morning Girlie and I went out for breakfast/lunch. (Our power had been out for 14+ hours due to some repairs and we couldn't open our fridge... plus we couldn't turn on a light, a TV, a computer, blow dry, straighten or curl hair or pretty much anything... we were crippled - HA!)

We were talking.

She was telling me how stressed and overwhelmed she was planning the church service their students were in charge of for the week. She had taken the weight of the service on her shoulders. She LIKES it and feels proud of herself and necessary and yet she feels - like I said, stressed & overwhelmed. She told me her friends at school call her the 'mother' of their group.

I listened and nodded and reflected.

Eventually, I told her that some of this (maybe a lot) might have to do with the fact that she grew up in an alcoholic home. (Not "alcoholic home", not just with an "alcoholic dad"... our whole home/family has dysfunctional patterns that contribute.)

She did not get defensive or ashamed. She was like "I know!!!"

This opened up a GREAT conversation.

We talked about codependency and Al-Anon. We talked about control being about fear. We talked about personal value and how we get can think that things like saving and fixing and rescuing and running things - making people depend on us - makes us valuable and/or worthy of love or of not being LEFT.

Girlie said that when she has to stay home from school sick she is worried how her friends will get by without her. "But they do, don't they?" I asked.

She nodded and with big eyes she said "Yes, and that kind of hurts my feelings."

Of course it does!

If they can make do without us, if we are replaceable, what is our value? And maybe they don't need us and will leave us!

We also talked about how we can FEEL we are so loving and giving and helpful and this can give us a 'noble' feeling or some grandiosity... we get self-esteem from this. But we are not doing it out of only generosity or altruism... we have selfish motives in it too. The above (control/fear, feelings of value & worth, keeping them dependent so they won't leave us) PLUS we get self-esteem from it "the whole world would fall apart without me".

Girlie was SO aware and open and honest and healthy. I was so grateful!

I am 42 years old and learning this has been a long, arduous, painful battle. I would be beyond thrilled if my kids could learn this so much earlier than I, and save themselves some pain and heartache. Or at least be more aware and less primal/instinctual from past wounds.

If I can help them on the journey and put aside my own guilt and pain and shame in order to contribute to health instead of dysfunction, I would be delighted! (And proud of myself for my own growth.)

A Few Updates

* Mr M is having surgery on his destroyed rotator cuff (from his dirt biking accident) on March 13. It is a big, gnarly, 4 hour long procedure with a LOT of extensive work and 12+ anchors put in to anchor down all his torn and retracted tendons.

He will move back in for a few weeks to heal and recover and so I can help him.

He is feeling sad and discouraged about his injury, the long healing time (8 weeks in a sling!!!), and how SLOW his business is.

I am having to practice tolerating my discomfort when he is miserable.

I mean, he has a lot to be sad and angry and stressed about right now... those are his feelings. Feelings are not bad. They are feelings.

* I wrote about a temptation I was having with another man (a client) in this post. I also asked that if anyone reading was the praying type that they might PRAY for God's intervention and protection.

Can I just say that our HP answers in personal ways AND has a sense of humor!?

This client is significantly older than I am (16+ years). I am not really attracted to him (don't get me wrong, he is an attractive and friendly and nice guy, he's just much older and not my "type") - but I am vulnerable and fragile and it is just so NICE to be desired and sought after.

We FINALLY got another lunch on the calendar.

It was coming.

And then OUT OF THE BLUE he texts me and asks about hearing aids (because he is a client... this is a work issue).

HEARING AIDS?? I ask if he is asking for himself of one of his dependents or employees (this makes a difference with coverage). He says THE HEARING AIDS ARE FOR HIM!!!!!!

To clarify - there is NOTHING wrong with hearing aids. I could be attracted to someone with hearing aids. If Mr. M got hearing aids, that would just be part of life as we age together. But something in me just CLICKED. He is 16 years older than me. What am I thinking? This is weird!

It was just the wake up call I had been praying for.

My attraction just instantly ended.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I had NO IDEA I would have this reaction... but my HP did.

Thank you HP.

And thank you if you happened to have prayed for me.

The day eventually came to confirm our lunch and I didn't but he did.

He said he had been WANTING to have a picnic (?!?!) but the rain had thwarted him (thanks again HP! ;)

We went to the same restaurant. He put his HANDS ON MY WAIST and leans in to kiss me. I turn and offer my cheek.

Then our server comes and she is training a new server who is a FRIEND of mine from CHURCH! - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Accountability (Thanks AGAIN, HP!)... I introduce him to her.

Then, the coup de grace; I mention that one of my REALLY dear friends has recently started attending his pretty small church (where he is a leader and friends with the Pastor and his whole family) and they just LOVE the awesome community they have there! (I don't know WHY this never occurred to me to mention before... but NOW my HP brings it to my mind!) Our lunch was lovely and friendly and perfectly devoid of any "charge" of attraction. We talked about his church marriage retreat he planned. We talked about his vacation. We talked about his daughter's wedding. then we said good-bye and he hugged me platonically.

I have to say, I am QUITE tickled.

*

Equal Opportunity Enabling

21 year old Drummer lives in our home still. He went off to college (45 mins away) for a year and a half and then came back to work on being a rockstar. He is quite good (i am biased, of course) and they had a LOT of initial interest from big names but nothing has quite panned out. We had given him a year to live here and try to make a go of it. (It has been over a year.)

In the meantime, he has started dating Sweetie and has gotten engaged.

Sweetie is a good girl and I love her.

She lost her mom to cancer last year so she is really broken hearted and devastated.

She has some issues that were there before her mom's illness and death. She has been diagnosed bipolar and is on med (I do not know that this is a valid diagnosis - wannabe Dr. that I am ;) but that is the current situation). She is headstrong and prideful and super sensitive. (My family would say Drummer is definitely marrying his mother! :)

Drummer is my son and I love him deeply, but he has some major issues as well. He has never been diagnosed with anything, but he is EXTREMELY moody (mood disorder?) and has massive aggressive anger problems. He is very volatile.

To me they seem like a very combustible combination. In my humble opinion, I think they are signing up for a world of hurt. But oh well NOMB (none of my business), didn't we all?

Mr. M is constantly accusing me of enabling Drummer. He say he has no rights in the house and that I wear the pants in the family and that I have f**ked up the kids and that if he was here and had more authority (and if the kids would listen to him), it would be totally different. He would've told Drummer to "pack his f**king sock" and "get the f**k out".

Mr. M also frequently points out how I am harder on him than I am on the kids. I have higher expectations on him and set firmer boundaries with him.

These are 2 of our "hamster wheel arguments"... the ones we just keep climbing back into and spending a ton of energy on but going no where, fast.

I am so saddened by Mr. M's enabling accusations. I do not entirely disagree with him... he has some good points... but I feel like he has a lot of accusation self-pity.

I will admit that I can be bossy and dominant and that probably from day 1, I have tried to wear the pants out of fear that no one else will... but he is not taking any responsibility for the fact that he routinely takes OFF the pants and walks away leaving them empty! Am I the problem for filling them?!? Should I just let them lay there empty? Who would earn a living, pay the bills, and parent the kids?

I also pointed out to Mr. M that HE has benefited as much as anyone from my enabling. He wants me to enable HIM but not the kids??? Sorry! It appears I am an 'equal opportunity enabler'... I spread my dysfunction around equally!

That's the back story.

This morning, Drummer got up and cheerfully made eggs and tortillas. He ate them and had finished. After, he then brewed a cup of tea and sat down to read his book. At this point Mr. M announced that "someone needs to empty the dishwasher". He cares deeply about mess and he would end up doing it if he didn't delegate. I felt it was as good a time as any to assign a task to Drummer. (He lives free, eats free, has a car with paid for car insurance, he rarely cleans his free car or free room and has to be asked to do HIS OWN dishes etc. etc. etc.)

I asked him to please unload the dishwasher.

He said he would later... he was going to read and sip his tea right now.

I said he should please do it now.

He said he's do it in about 1/2 hour.

I said no... now please.

He said later would work.

Mr. M asked him WHEN he would like to do it.

He said about 30 minutes.

Mr. M said he would be OK with that. (This frustrated me a bit because I didn't really care if it got done, I was trying to show Mr. M support and that I was trying not to enable, so I was mostly DOING this to make Mr. M happy because!)

I said it needed to be done now and that we needed to have our talk about expectations and chores and his attitude (after a meltdown last week).

Drummer LOST HIS FRICKIN' MARBLES.

He started screaming and yelling and cursing (he DID get up and begin unloading the dishwasher AS he was doing this) about my pridefulness and my power trip.

I told him he lives for free and I thought it was reasonable to ask him to contribute on a timeframe that might not jive with his.

"Dad is being the reasonable one... he understands that the task can wait 30 minutes." (Screamed.) He also accused that I have never done a dish in my entire life! (Really?)

I reminded him it is the home we own & pay for.

I was calm and firm.

The screaming and yelling continued. I told him I felt like it was a fairly extreme reaction for having to do a task on someone's time schedule other than his own and that he had lost. (By that I meant that he was having a huge problem with the fact that he felt like he had lost.) He spun this around that I only care about winning and that I am only happy when I am winning and someone else is losing.

Mr. M was sitting the making the bank deposit statement and chimed in that he was being rude and abusive to his mother.

He launched into a full-on attack on his dad that he is a drunk and how can HE presume to tell him what to do etc.

Drummer was out of his mind and Mr. M and I were actually being calm with low, rational voices... he ends up storming out of the house.

Mr. M and I end up on the hamster wheel (I enable Drummer too much, the way Drummer has turned out is MY fault, why won't I kick him out?, and how come I set boundaries with him - Mr. M - but not our kids?).

Drummer ends up texting me a little bit later that he overreacted but that I started the fight and if I hadn't started the fight, none of this would've happened. He said I was pig-headed and obstinate. He threw in a couple f-bombs for emphasis. He said if I keep threatening him with moving out, I will be excluded from all the special things in his life (this was a threat that I will not be invited to his wedding etc.). [BTW, this is a child for whom we WOULD be paying for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon... One of MY dearest friends is throwing the bridal shower, my friends and I are hosting a "dress trying on" brunch for Sweetie, Drummer just asked if Sweetie could STAY here - or at my folks' - over Spring break and all summer so she doesn't have to live with her dad and his new wife as they sleep in he mom's bed just 14 months after her mom DIED in it!]

I texted back that this made me tremendously sad and would be a huge loss for me - and also for him, Sweetie, and our whole family.

I cried as I typed this.

I was so sad that he could disintegrate over a simple reasonable request.

This adult male living for FREE (with car, insurance, food, and all privileges) in our home went to CRAZY TOWN about being asked to put dishes away on NOT his time schedule.

This feels like such a failure as parents.

He is about to get married and has NO adult skills, is entitled, ungrateful, and has out of control anger issues. I am frightened for his future and regretful of missed opportunities. I am not sure how to move forward. I was SO hoping to offer him this chance to live here for the rest of the year to save money so he & Sweetie could get a good start on their marriage (don't ASK me how they are going to pay for shelter and food with him earning $0 as a rock star).

Oh and, he is has been working part-time for Mr. M in his business while Mr. M has been injured and needing help (and is now due for shoulder surgery in the next couple weeks and will be needing MORE help) - and yet can curse his dad out about being a drunk but then saunter in on Monday expecting to earn $10 an hour under the table from said drunk!

Eventually, Drummer cooled down and texted me something about the book he is reading and that he didn't expect that plot twist. Just like that he had cooled down and was extending the olive branch. He will want everything to be as if nothing ever happened (kind of like when Mr. M gets drunk and sobers up and comes home and we play like everything is "FINE"). I couldn't bring myself to reply like I normally would. I didn't have anything to say.

Meanwhile, I came home from going to the bank and Mr. M was leaving (as a result of our fight). I asked if he would be setting up the tent in the yard before he left. (Girlie had asked him three days ago if he would - for a friend's birthday sleepover - and he had said he would.) He said "no" he wouldn't be doing that and that Bub and I could figure it out. I reminded him that he had committed to Girlie and he said that it was too bad but Bub and I would make it work. I told him that I WOULDN'T make it work... I hadn't committed to Girlie and she would be deeply disappointed as she was counting on him. He didn't seem to care. I promptly pulled the drapes and climbed back into bed and sobbed in the dark for a while (so unlike me... maybe YEARS of therapy is finally kicking in?). I was devastated that he could let Girlie down like that over petty anger with me. Again, just like the dirt biking accident, I can make a LOT of excuses for crappy things he does while drunk (he is sick, its a disease, he doesn't act like this when he is not drinking etc.), but when he is "sober" and acts in pure narcissism, I am flabbergasted.

Since he is not used to me sobbing, I think this shocked him (when he is drunk, he couldn't care LESS if I cry) and he immediately got Bub and they went out and set up the tent. (Girlie and her friends are outside giggling in it as I type this :)

Mr. M and I "made up". I went out with a friend for dinner. Mr M's feelings were hurt that I just bailed (I did it nicely... I just did what I wanted to do for me). I came home. We watched TV for a while. Life goes on...

AA Visited

I've been away a while.

Silly.

Not wise.

Writing is good for me and keeps me honest.

We were a little under the weather.

Things have been going ok (status quo).

I've been kinda melancholy - generally, for no reason other than just the usual.

Busy.

Lazy.

You know.

Mr. M asked me to go to an open AA meeting last night. It is a co-ed speaker meeting. They usually have really top notch circuit speakers. Last night it was a fill-in... kinda mediocre... but everyone's story is unique and personal and therefore valuable and special.

Mr. M has been wanting me to go for a LONG time and evenings are tough because we still have kids at home... when HE goes to meetings, I am here, at home, holding down the fort.

I have been away a long time and I noticed a lot of things:

I am over-all still very attracted to alcoholic men! I was hoping all my years of therapy were curing me and my "picker" would be getting healed so I would be more attracted to healthy guys.

AA still reminds me a LOT of church; it has its own language, there is still an "in crowd", people KNOW the culture and understand the "rules".

I LOVE the people watching... it is SO good! This meeting has all ages. It is a very "hip & cool" crowd... a little of a "pick up" meat market... good looking people flirting like crazy.

I am sanguine and a people-pleaser to the bone and even though this was a rare gig for me, I wanted to meet with people and connect and say "hi" and make friends and have people like me!

I truly love the program and the LIVES it gives people back... maybe for the first time!

I noticed about myself, combining the "in crowd" and the people watching, and my people pleasing, that I still notice and CARE that I belong and am accepted and am "part of".

There was a whole row of teen girls behind us and they whispered and giggled and chit- chatted throughout the whole meeting (during the speaker) and I was hyper aware that it was bugging Mr. M's sponsor and that it was rude... I was able to (mostly) just release it and not worry about Sponsor or Girls and just keep MY side of the street clean (practicing acceptance).

Likewise, there was a drunk kid (maybe 20ish) there and he was talking loudly and laughing loudly, inappropriately and even mockingly at the speaker... MANY, this agitated me! But Alcoholics are pretty tolerant of this behavior... they have a lot of grace because they were all in this guy's shoes once (including the speaker, of course), so no one cared and his friends kinda kept him in line, so again, it wasn't MY business! (Imagine that! ;)

Also, it was a GREAT reminder to hear the speaker and to appreciate HIS story and lessons and message even though he wasn't a marquis-level speaker.

Good stuff! All great things to experience and notice. I was glad I went.