Back in Hospital (Round 2)

I am jumping ahead to current.

A few days ago, Mr. M checked himself out of the hospital and went to an AA friend's house.

This worried me greatly but at least it was a sober person and Mr M DID go to an AA meeting with him.

I talked to him on the phone and his brain seemed muddled and he was slurring his words.

I thought he sounded like he was drinking.

But I couldn't see him or smell him and I thought the alcoholic he was living with and the guys at the meeting would pick up on it if he was.

So I was thinking his brain had been severely harmed by all the drinking and I was praying with a little time he would dry out and his brain would come back.

As HORRIFYING as it was to discover he was still drinking, it was kind of a relief and made more sense.

His friends came and took him and dropped him off back at the hospital.

I did not think this was the best move... I thought he should go back to the motel if he was not done drinking.

I know this SOUNDS cold-hearted. And I even FEEL a bit mean.

But we are only prolonging this binge by softening or delaying his bottom.

I want him to hit it and hit it good and hard. (But PLEASE live!)

He called from the ER last night (drunk). I should've been polite and wrapped it up, but I talked to him. He was saying there is no point in going on.

I told him that it was worth having the last 3.5 great years with him. He said it wasn't. I told him it WAS: our family trip to the capitol, our son Hacker's wedding, our catamaran trip to the Caribbean, Girlie's Jr. High graduation, Drummer's high school graduation. He got to part of all that, and we got to have him there! If he could get sober and get 3 MORE years before a relapse, maybe he could experience Drummer's wedding and Bub & Girlie's highschool graduations etc.

Even though he was drunk, he actually seemed to kind of grasp onto that.

He said "You have never said that before... that makes me feel hopeful."

I have no idea if he will even REMEMBER that this morning... but maybe it was just enough for him to not kill himself last night.

I mean, this is TERRIBLE, but it is just a relapse.

It doesn't have to last for the rest of our lives or even for years.

He COULD be back on track and get a few more wonderful years under his belt.

He could...

Without Him

I thought when I got him out of the house, I would feel relieved.

And I did.

But I also felt heartbroken and very scared.

I walked into our lovely home and PROFOUNDLY felt his absence... as if he had died.

All I could see was Mr. M NOT there.

I MISSED him...

I mean we had only just gotten back from 2 blissful weeks in hawaii alone together. (Granted, the were overshadowed by the fact that he had had a small relapse, but it had do SEEMED like he might bounce right back, and I was willing to believe the best.)

I hadn't had a chance to tell the kids because they were at school and so they didn't get to see him go or say goodbye. What if he DIED???

I walked around in a daze.

I thought of him constantly.

I cried at the drop of a hat. (In FRONT of people!!! - this is new for me!!!)

My friends brought meals and muffins and lattes... they called and texted and ran by the grocery store for me and came over to visit.

I felt very loved and cared for.

And yet, my obsession with Mr. M still dominated.

All those loving gestures couldn't cure him or save him or make him sober up.

Many well-meaning people ask questions like:

"what triggered this?"

"have you told him how HARD this is for you and the kids?"

"why doesn't he just stop?"

"why don't you let him stay at home?"/"why don't you kick him out?"

"what are you going to do now?"

"how come he won't go to counseling?"

"where is his sponsor? why isn't he helping to keep him sober?"

"have you had his dad/mom/pastor/sponsor/kids/dog try to talk some sense into him?"

"why don't you make him go to a meeting?"

This disease is so "cunning, baffling, and powerful" that is is SOOOOOOO tough to wrap your brain around it. And these questions, while completely sensible for some circumstances are not viable for alcoholism. But allow me to at least address some of the to the best of my ability.

We don't know what triggered it or how long it has been building up. It could've been building for months & months or he could've just decided he wanted to drink. I don't know the trigger... and he does not either.

When he is sober, he is completely aware of how HEINOUS this is for all of his loved ones and he cannot CONCEIVE of a day when he would EVER want to drink again. But when he is in the drink, he ONLY thinks of himself and his booze... he is incapable of stopping.

He doesn't stop because he wants to drink more.

Why? Well, initially, when he begins drinking, it must be because of feelings he has that he doesn't want to feel or thinks he will die if he feels. ("Ease and comfort", the Big Book says.)

After he starts drinking it is because of the "ism"... the disease... the phenomenon of craving starts and he cannot stop until he is good and done. I cannot make him. Threats, pleading, crying, punishing, manipulating, etc. cannot make him (BELIEVE ME, I have tried & tried these, over & over - hahaha < sad laughter).

Letting him stay is harmful for me and the kids and only enables him to drink safely and happily for a longer period of time... I would like to hasten the arrival of his misery and allow him to hit bottom quicker. I kick him out when I can't tolerate it any more... this is getting sooner and sooner. But I will do it when I have the strength or when I am 'done' enough. (When I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.)

What am I going to do now?

Sheesh! I have no idea. I do not like my plans to be so tied to him... I don't want to be so reactionary. But I don't have a choice. I mean I will go on living. I am going to football games to cheer on the boys. I am going to school plays and xcountry meets. I am going out to lunch and Bible study. I am trying to work and earn a living and to meet the kids' needs. I am going to therapy to try to get healthy. I am trying to get a good nights sleep and to stay current on my dr visits.

Today, I have 2 choices:

I can leave him for good - I am not quite there yet. I am not sure what my tolerance is.

Or I can stay and let him ride this out while he decides to either "get busy living or get busy dying"

He & I have been doing marriage counseling. He does not want to go alone. I cannot make him.

Sponsors are a resource for alcoholics who WANT to stay sober. You call them and follow direction and work the steps with them if you want to stay sober. If you want to drink, a Sponsor is not going to stop you... they will tell you to call them when you are done... and "have fun while you're out there". A relapse reminds all the sober alcoholics why they don't drink. An alcoholic who DIES from the disease REALLY reminds them.

Everyone who has ever met him has tried to talk sense into him.

Read all the paragraphs above.

I can't MAKE him go to meetings... but even if I could, I can't MAKE him sit in the meeting and suddenly WANT to be sober. He knows the promises of AA and all the gifts of being sober and working the program and he still chooses to drink. He will stop when he is done. That could be when he dies, goes to jail, goes insane, gets in a car crash, kills someone else, passes out on the side of the road and gets picked up by cops, has severe pain or health consequences that frighten him badly enough, when I leave him, when there isn't a payoff emotionally or physically any more. At SOME point, if he lives long enough, he will likely stop. Although, many people die of their disease and only then do they stop.

He will be quick to tell you it is not a moral issue or a character issue... it is a disease.

I kind of get that, but his choices have moral implications.

When my husband is drinking he is the most selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic human being I have EVER met. The kids and I do not even exist. It is just him and his sadness and his hurt and his shame and his fear and "the kids hate me, whats' the point of living" and "if I go back to a meeting, I am going to have to identify as a newcomer". Waaa Waaaa Waaaa.

He never thinks of anyone but himself.

If (when???) he sobers up, I am going to have to pay attention to see if this is maybe always how he is and I just don't notice because he has so many"good" behaviors...

Asking Him to Leave

Mr M started drinking on Sunday and it went from bad to worse FAST.

AA says it is a "progressive disease", meaning it is always in progression. It doesn't go back and start at square one, it picks up where it left off.

So Mr. M couldn't hide it and secretly drink for months or years like he used to be able to... he couldn't work and play-act like he used to.

He was "skid row bum" drunk within 24 hours.

He was weeping and telling our kids all his regrets about raising them.

He repeated his stories 5, 6, 7 times each.

He slurred his words.

He reeked.

He got angry, belligerent, and aggressive.

At 3Am, he picked up the coffee table and made as if to throw it at me (after throwing a bag of chips down the hall at me, flinging them all throughout the hall). When Drummer (age 21) came in and tried to intervene (because dad was load and angry and it woke him from a sound sleep), Mr. M turned on him and started kind of lunging at him and threatening him. Drummer left the house and ran down the street. I calmed Mr. M down by reasoning that he should be proud that Drummer was trying to protect me, his mom. Mr. M kind of went for it and calmed down. This was all on night TWO!

He proceeded to stumble down the hall and run into walls, get up and down repeatedly during the night, mumbling, thrashing about, crying, complaining, SCREAMING and groaning with pain in his stomach, eating everything in the fridge and cupboards at all hours. He PEED HIS PANTS on the sofa and Bub (18) saw it and burst into tears.

Mr M went into the backyard to kick off his wet pants then proceeded to walk around naked then entering the kitchen and eating a meal naked. He eventually tried to put on fresh underpants but kept falling over and putting 2 legs in one hole. I eventually offered to help to which he grudgingly responded "Yea, please".

I told him this was not good for the kids and would he please leave and go get a motel room and do his drinking. He told me to F**k myself and that it was HIS house too... he is on the deed... he helps pay for it. He told me to call the "F-ing cops" because what are they going to do;

"Mr M, are you drunk?"

"Yep! And there is not an f-ing thing you can do about it... I am a grown man, drunk in my own house... so f**k off, Pig."

The next morning, when he sobered up a little, before he embarked on the day's drinking, he felt a little bad and said he would leave. I was relieved. I left to therapy thinking we would deal with that when I returned. When I came back, he was three-sheets-to-the-wind (is that saying??? Is it "two sheets"?) and back to telling me I could F**k myself and that it was HIS house too... he is on the deed... he helps pay for it. Call the "F-ing cops" because what are they going to do:

"Mr M, are you drunk?"

"Yep! And there is not an f-ing thing you can do about it... I am a grown man, drunk in my own house... so f**k off, Pig."

And so it goes.

So the NEXT day when he woke up and said he would leave, I had him pack his bags and go right then. He started to walk down the street, but I knew he would just come back later that night and I didn't want that. I had his car keys - confiscated to prevent drunk driving so he would either have to go on foot or I would drive him. I drove him down to a fleabag motel about 20 minutes south. He got out of the car and checked in and I drove away, leaving him to drink.

Possibly to drink himself to death.

How it came about

We got home from 2 blissful weeks in Hawai'i. He did not drink. I know because I was with him 24 hours a day. We snorkeled and hiked and sun-bathed and swam and explored and drive around and ate and slept and had sex. It was a delightful time. I was hoping SO DEEPLY that this relapse was just going to be a "blip" on the screen and that he could bounce back without having to lose everything, including his 2 year old thriving business.

Wishful thinking.

We got home late friday night. We were up early and off to Girlie's cross country (xcountry) meet. She had said she didn't want us there but when she heard us cheering right before the finish line, she waved. When we hugged her sweaty body after the race, she said "I was looking for you through the whole race and listening for your voice!" (They SAY they don't want you to go, but they don't know what they want!... TEENAGERS! :)

We came home and Bub called to say he and his girlfriend had made it to the finals of the drama festival for their scene from "The Notebook". I decided I would go. I don't know if it was guilt because Dad is drinking, guilt that we had been away for 2 weeks, or the realization that time FLIES and I am almost DONE with active mothering, but I am trying to be there for EVERYTHING. (Probably all of the above.) I have regrets about not being able to do this with the older 2. I didn't have the perspective and I also had 2 little children I was still having to drag around to everything and drive everywhere.

But still, hindsight is 20/20.

I dashed down to the school to see it. Mr. M, Drummer, and Hacker (and the new Mrs. Hacker) joined us and Girlie arrived by bus from her xcountry meet and we ALL got to see their performance... and they WON! The day continued at this busy pace trying to get back on track after being gone for 2 weeks.

Mr. M needed to run a few errands. I wanted to go with him. Heck, we had been together for 14 solid days. I was kind of feeling homesick for him. He thought I wanted to "guard him"... I guess that was also true. I was SO scared to lose him. But I KNOW I can't follow him around and go to work with him and keep him from drinking... but still, I think the impulse is still there.

Sunday, I had to go to a close friend's daughter's wedding. I had to go early to help with centerpieces. I had no sooner walked in the door than Girlie texted "Is dad still drinking?" I told here I didn't think so but asked why she was asking. She said he was acting strange and chewing gum and kind of smelled. I hope I am saving her YEARS of denial and self doubt by telling her what it took Oprah telling me; BELIEVE YOURSELF.

The kids said I didn't need to rush home form the wedding. So I stayed. I felt guilty, but I wanted to be at the wedding for my friend. I wanted to have a fun time before I faced the hell that is my life again. I didn't want to rush home to a drunk husband and an afternoon of misery. So yes, I stayed. I stayed and drank a couple glasses of wine, I took photos in the photo booth and I danced & laughed. I had a fist clenching in the pit of my stomach the whole time (although the wine helped me for get a LITTLE) but I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich for a few hours and pretended all was well.

I came home and the familiar saga began.

I TRIED not to enter into counterproductive behaviors I KNOW better than to do, but I did some of them any way.

I snuck around and followed him and poured out vodka.

Now I am looking up sober living homes and treatment facilities that HE does not care enough to look up. WHY?

I cannot make him care about me and the kids more than the booze.

I cannot keep him sober.

I cannot control him.

I cannot wish him sober.

He has to want it and he has to choose it.

Right now he is choosing sickness.

I have to choose wellness for me.

I am SEEING my obsession.

I am seeing how much my feelings are so very tied to his actions and his choices.

I am seeing how stoic I try to be, carrying on by myself.

I am seeing my behavior patterns that I do even though I know they are not healthy or helpful... I see the payoff for me in these behaviors.

I am still not on speaking terms with his Mom and do not have the energy to coddle and spoon feed his dad. I feel guilty, but I barely have enough energy for myself and the kids.

Dogs Bark and...

It always used to take me a long time to see, realize, admit, Mr. M was drinking again. I SO did not want it to be true, but ever since I have my "Oprah Epiphany", I believe myself and not the lying alcoholic. In the past I had been SO willing to think myself crazy and believe HIM over me. But now, I believe ME.

I saw the behaviors leading up to his falling off the wagon. I saw them coming. I pointed out my concern. I offered support, love, and help. He wanted none of it. He was on a collision course for a relapse. Seeing it coming means nothing really because I was powerless to prevent it. It is like having your leg stuck somehow in the railroad track and although you SEE the train barreling down on you, you can do NOTHING to get out of the way.

I feel betrayed and abandoned and believe it or not, I feel SHOCKED. I am not "surprised" per se, but I am still shocked. I have been able to forgive him and give a clean slate and own my own contributions to our dysfunctional patterns and to live as if we are BOTH the issue so that I can forgive him and we can live as 2 equals and move forward without bitterness and"owing". I have HAD to live as if I did not think he would relapse again. Even though it was always a lurking fear, I put it away from me, sealed up tight.

I shouldn't be shocked because I know the old saying "Dogs bark. Drunks drink." Period. And yet...

And yet...

He's Drinking Again

I haven't been on this blog in a LONG time... and secretly I think I'd hoped I'd NEVER have to be back. I know that can blog on this site even if Mr. M isn't drinking, but I think I was thinking of them as synonymous. He's not drinking so I am not blogging. I hope I don't have to blog again because that would mean he is drinking again.

But I am back, which means... you guessed it... Mr. M relapsed.

I think I saw it coming for about a month. He was stressed, angry, ungrateful, rude, unhappy... and more of these things than his normal self.

I saw it coming and I think I knew it, but didn't want to know it.

I started planning a 2 week vacation right away... not realizing that I was going into 'protect and control' mode, thinking (I think) that I could make him happy and get him recharged and stop it from happening.

He drank (vodka from the bottle) 3 days before leaving for 2 glorious weeks in paradise. Should I cancel? Should I still go?

I still wanted a vacation.

I had already spent the money and was not getting it back.

My husband was drinking and might not make it.

I was still clinging to the fantasy that maybe he would bounce right back and be OK. (Maybe THIS time it would only be a "blip" on the screen.)

In the end, I (we?) still chose to go to Hawaii for 2 weeks. He did not drink the whole time there... so it was a little slice of fantasy that I could cling to for just a little while longer.

Normal Bodies

I should've been alive in the early 1600's. Peter Paul Ruben would've LOVED me! I have the perfect Rubenesque figure. In fact, I might actually be a little too slim for him to have considered me model worthy.

I was born in the wrong era.

1600's

1940's and 1950's

Today

Today, we have to have special campaigns to give us permission to love our bodies and to be curvy. We call normal size models "plus size" models. (Why can't they just be called "models" while super skinny models can be called "minus size" or something?)

I mean, I love antibiotics, orthodontia, automobiles, technology (phones, internet, computers), and other little luxuries like refrigeration and indoor plumbing, but couldn't we have had all those things and loved curves at the same time?