Drummer's Perspective

Don't you love it when your kids are in a really good place for a few minutes?

With an alcoholic parent in a dysfunctional home, it is easy to focus on all the things we do WRONG.  I love those moments when you get it bask in a moment of "right".

18 year old Drummer came home last night on an utter high on God.  

He'd had kind of a "mountain top" conversation with"E" (an ex-girlfriend  and now best friend, but they still love each other).  They had talked about God and the Gospel and forgiveness and love and many other passionate, intense, life-changing things that young, idealistic teens talk about.

He was SO in love with the Gospel he was near exploding.  He was saying that this is all he wants to live for... he can't live and NOT tell people about the gospel of Jesus Christ.  He wants to be a Missionary (Cambodia?).  

He told me he prays for me, when he remembers.  I told him I pray for him.  He said "I know, Mom" with such assurance and confidence.  I felt so guilty because I do NOT pray for him with the regularity and faithfulness with which I should.  I am a flaky pray-er (at best) and yet he believes that (of course) his Mom is devotedly praying often for him.  He said he feels safe and protected in our home.  He told me that he believes that all 4 of them are doing good because of the stable, consistent, steady influence I have been in their lives during Mr. M's tough time and long drinking bouts.

He had (just last night, not always - for example, when he is on restriction for not turning in an English assignment or coming home after curfew) such a sweet and loving perspective on me and Lord knows I WANT that!!!  I want my kids to love & respect me and to see how hard I have tried to give them stability and consistency.

But on the other hand, I know that kids need stability and reliability so they will tend to put that on me more because they NEED it to be on me than because I was really that great.  With Mr. M off the deep end, they NEED me to be the steady one... it is more about their need than the reality.  Even though I have worked hard to BE stale & steady for them, I know that I have my own dysfunction and have contributed to our family "dance" in my own special ways and I want my kids to feel permission to SEE the yuck in me.  I don't PREFER this... I don't want them to see any bad in me, I want them to only see my best moments & intentions.  But by living there, I am denying them mental health & truth.