Surviving

Mr. M had his surgery. It was out patient.

MD said it was one of the worst rotator cuff tears he has seen in his career and he does 6-7 of these surgeries a week! It was torn completely from the front all the way up over the top and down the back.

So he was in AGONY.

The first night was brutal!!!!!

We barely slept.

We got the pain med situation handled where it took the edge off and he could at least KIND OF get by.

He rested for the week and started back to work Monday.

He shouldn't work but needs to.

He has a helper helping him every day because he can't DO anything... he needs to point and direct and have them DO all the work.

He is scared and sad because business is so slow.

It is going to be tough money-wise paying someone else and having so few calls, but it is kind of an HP thing in my opinion because he SHOULDN'T be doing too much work in his condition! (And his condition should last a few MONTHS!)

The MD said they had also wanted to tack down his bicep tendon but his bones were SUCH poor quality they couldn't. They said the only time they see bones like that is in 80 year old women!!! OI asked if that was from the injury or degeneration and the MD said "neither"... he said it was from substance abuse. I did a little further reading and apparently excessive binge drinking IS bad for the bones.

This was shocking and sad to me.

Of course Mr. M is in denial. he thinks the docs are wrong/mistaken.

*sigh*

I have been a loving and compassionate wife.

We have been getting along well.

I am lonely and scared, but this is just going to be a season for that. He is hurt and scared and sad and just trying to recover. It is not a season to get my needs met (but REALLY, when is?).

We got out last night and had Mexican for dinner (well, I did) and saw "21 Jump Street" (inappropriate but funny!!!!).

One day at a time.

Pre-Surgery Feelings

Mr. M's surgery is tomorrow so I had to reschedule therapy to today.

I have been kinda disconnected and numb and apathetic lately (probably as evidenced by my lack of blogging among tons of other things). I am just in survival mode.

One of my friends said I seemed 'flat'.

I was not exactly annoyed, but I was confused or something... I didn't know how to be more... more... just MORE. More what I was "supposed" to be, I guess.

I went into therapy and chit-chatted a little.

I addressed that surgery was tomorrow.

I said I MUST have some feelings but I couldn't FEEL them.

I said I must be scared that Mr. M is going to relapse... that the pain meds will spin him off and trigger a relapse. Or that the shame about the accident (I am not helping that because I am mad as hell that he got in the accident.)

Dr. asked if we had talked about this.

THIS WAS A COMPLETELY NOVEL CONCEPT.

Talked about it?

Um... huh... No... I guess not.

I mean seriously, 4 years of therapy and this had not occurred to me.

For good reason, I guess because I started crying.

Dr. said THIS is really scraping into the deepest stuff... my fear of being left... being alone.

It is probably also doing the same thing for Mr. M.

Makes sense all the fighting and anger and disconnectedness.

I have NO IDEA what THIS tapped into, but as I was getting ready to leave, I said "OK, well... the surgery is tomorrow at 1:00."

And Dr. said " Are you asking me for something?" (Or something like that.)

I was taken aback, flustered.

"Um... No... I just... um... yeah... I guess if you think of me, pray for me."

I don't even know what I meant.

I don't think I wanted prayer either exactly.

I DO know that when I started to type this I started getting teary.

And I know I felt (and feel while typing) embarrassed or ashamed (or both).

I am not - I was trained, growing up - supposed to inconvenience anyone or ask for things people can't deliver on.

I don't even KNOW what it was I wanted or hoped for... I didn't let myself get that far... I shut down instantly with shame and kinda started crying.

I asked for prayer - and that was better than nothing... but it wasn't what made me ashamed... I wanted something or needed something that -

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Wow! Whatever I was writing there REALLY touched something in me and I had to stop typing to cry for a couple minutes.

THAT'S gonna be something to explore in therapy next week!!!!!!

It really touched a nerve.

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Anyhow, I got home and told Mr. M that I needed to talk to him.

I told him I was scared of him relapsing (taking pain meds, not going to meetings etc.). He assured me he was going to try not to take meds and WOULD go to meetings. I tried to tell him that I didn't need his assurances (he can't realistically commit to that any way and if he could, I could rest in them), I just needed to share my feelings with him - however uncomfortable that makes me - and hope he could listen. He tried.

I was EXHAUSTED afterward.

Phew!

And it's not over.

These darn feelings!

Stopping the Pattern?

Saturday morning Girlie and I went out for breakfast/lunch. (Our power had been out for 14+ hours due to some repairs and we couldn't open our fridge... plus we couldn't turn on a light, a TV, a computer, blow dry, straighten or curl hair or pretty much anything... we were crippled - HA!)

We were talking.

She was telling me how stressed and overwhelmed she was planning the church service their students were in charge of for the week. She had taken the weight of the service on her shoulders. She LIKES it and feels proud of herself and necessary and yet she feels - like I said, stressed & overwhelmed. She told me her friends at school call her the 'mother' of their group.

I listened and nodded and reflected.

Eventually, I told her that some of this (maybe a lot) might have to do with the fact that she grew up in an alcoholic home. (Not "alcoholic home", not just with an "alcoholic dad"... our whole home/family has dysfunctional patterns that contribute.)

She did not get defensive or ashamed. She was like "I know!!!"

This opened up a GREAT conversation.

We talked about codependency and Al-Anon. We talked about control being about fear. We talked about personal value and how we get can think that things like saving and fixing and rescuing and running things - making people depend on us - makes us valuable and/or worthy of love or of not being LEFT.

Girlie said that when she has to stay home from school sick she is worried how her friends will get by without her. "But they do, don't they?" I asked.

She nodded and with big eyes she said "Yes, and that kind of hurts my feelings."

Of course it does!

If they can make do without us, if we are replaceable, what is our value? And maybe they don't need us and will leave us!

We also talked about how we can FEEL we are so loving and giving and helpful and this can give us a 'noble' feeling or some grandiosity... we get self-esteem from this. But we are not doing it out of only generosity or altruism... we have selfish motives in it too. The above (control/fear, feelings of value & worth, keeping them dependent so they won't leave us) PLUS we get self-esteem from it "the whole world would fall apart without me".

Girlie was SO aware and open and honest and healthy. I was so grateful!

I am 42 years old and learning this has been a long, arduous, painful battle. I would be beyond thrilled if my kids could learn this so much earlier than I, and save themselves some pain and heartache. Or at least be more aware and less primal/instinctual from past wounds.

If I can help them on the journey and put aside my own guilt and pain and shame in order to contribute to health instead of dysfunction, I would be delighted! (And proud of myself for my own growth.)

A Few Updates

* Mr M is having surgery on his destroyed rotator cuff (from his dirt biking accident) on March 13. It is a big, gnarly, 4 hour long procedure with a LOT of extensive work and 12+ anchors put in to anchor down all his torn and retracted tendons.

He will move back in for a few weeks to heal and recover and so I can help him.

He is feeling sad and discouraged about his injury, the long healing time (8 weeks in a sling!!!), and how SLOW his business is.

I am having to practice tolerating my discomfort when he is miserable.

I mean, he has a lot to be sad and angry and stressed about right now... those are his feelings. Feelings are not bad. They are feelings.

* I wrote about a temptation I was having with another man (a client) in this post. I also asked that if anyone reading was the praying type that they might PRAY for God's intervention and protection.

Can I just say that our HP answers in personal ways AND has a sense of humor!?

This client is significantly older than I am (16+ years). I am not really attracted to him (don't get me wrong, he is an attractive and friendly and nice guy, he's just much older and not my "type") - but I am vulnerable and fragile and it is just so NICE to be desired and sought after.

We FINALLY got another lunch on the calendar.

It was coming.

And then OUT OF THE BLUE he texts me and asks about hearing aids (because he is a client... this is a work issue).

HEARING AIDS?? I ask if he is asking for himself of one of his dependents or employees (this makes a difference with coverage). He says THE HEARING AIDS ARE FOR HIM!!!!!!

To clarify - there is NOTHING wrong with hearing aids. I could be attracted to someone with hearing aids. If Mr. M got hearing aids, that would just be part of life as we age together. But something in me just CLICKED. He is 16 years older than me. What am I thinking? This is weird!

It was just the wake up call I had been praying for.

My attraction just instantly ended.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I had NO IDEA I would have this reaction... but my HP did.

Thank you HP.

And thank you if you happened to have prayed for me.

The day eventually came to confirm our lunch and I didn't but he did.

He said he had been WANTING to have a picnic (?!?!) but the rain had thwarted him (thanks again HP! ;)

We went to the same restaurant. He put his HANDS ON MY WAIST and leans in to kiss me. I turn and offer my cheek.

Then our server comes and she is training a new server who is a FRIEND of mine from CHURCH! - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Accountability (Thanks AGAIN, HP!)... I introduce him to her.

Then, the coup de grace; I mention that one of my REALLY dear friends has recently started attending his pretty small church (where he is a leader and friends with the Pastor and his whole family) and they just LOVE the awesome community they have there! (I don't know WHY this never occurred to me to mention before... but NOW my HP brings it to my mind!) Our lunch was lovely and friendly and perfectly devoid of any "charge" of attraction. We talked about his church marriage retreat he planned. We talked about his vacation. We talked about his daughter's wedding. then we said good-bye and he hugged me platonically.

I have to say, I am QUITE tickled.

*