I am doing it anonymously so I can say what I want to say, how I want to say it.
Trouble is, people pleaser and tap dancer that I am, I think I need an audience.
I thought I could do it like a diary... with a little, tiny lock and a teensy key tucked under the mattress, where no one could find it and no one could read it and that would be fine.
Only I find myself wanting to tell people I am blogging and then I even catch myself looking for comments... only I don't think one other living person on the planet has ever even visited my blog. I KNOW I have only been blogging a couple of weeks... but I NEED someone to see it. I NEED you to read it.
Even seemingly uncaring bloggers CARE if you read their stuff. Case in point, Violent Acres.
She is clearly entertained by her own supposed lack of caring and "poor impulse control", but I doubt if she would continue badgering "mommy bloggers" with the same zest and verve if she had no audience. I simply can't imagine her secret expletive filled diary hidden under her childless mattress complaining about people's fat, horrible undisciplined children. I am not out to make enemies with her - I am utterly entertained by her writing and grateful she DOES want to write for an audience! Which is exactly my point... SO DO I! I may not be as crackling and incisive a writer as V or as funny and sparkling as _______________ (I'll fill this in later), but maybe I can be my own brand of great when I get out of my pathetic "my heart is breaking" and "my 20 year long prison of a marriage is killing me" slump.
She is clearly entertained by her own supposed lack of caring and "poor impulse control", but I doubt if she would continue badgering "mommy bloggers" with the same zest and verve if she had no audience. I simply can't imagine her secret expletive filled diary hidden under her childless mattress complaining about people's fat, horrible undisciplined children. I am not out to make enemies with her - I am utterly entertained by her writing and grateful she DOES want to write for an audience! Which is exactly my point... SO DO I! I may not be as crackling and incisive a writer as V or as funny and sparkling as _______________ (I'll fill this in later), but maybe I can be my own brand of great when I get out of my pathetic "my heart is breaking" and "my 20 year long prison of a marriage is killing me" slump.
I don't know how to get noticed or read.
Aside from my extremely limited knowledge of SEO work which wants you to have many links leading to your site (I have... only probably in the range of... let me see...um... NONE). And repeat your tags over and over and the Google "spider" will crawl and find you. So I just went through all my previous posts and shamelessly added in the term "alcoholic marriage" in both the tags and the body. Plus, I will repeat it here several times in a row. Please bear with me and know that I might not be that great an alcoholic marriage writer (yet?) but I am not as bad as I may appear in my current alcoholic marriage state. Because alcoholic marriage or not, if you actually ever make it to my site to read it, I'd better give you something worth staying for. Don't give up on me and my ramblings about my alcoholic marriage... hang in there. I may get better. And add sparkling, incisive, crackling, funny comments... that will DEFINITELY make it better! (And maybe we can make this another mini on-line Al-Anon meeting!)
We are crazy aren't we? We want acceptance. (I am projecting here). We even look for it in the comments (have I gotten any? duh. If they comment = they like me? accept me. Again I am projecting here. But I do think that this is the bloggers' payment, being noticed thru comments. We bloggers love comments. Unfortunately our visitors are in pain and wanting to remain anonymous, that they cannot give us what we/I need - that acceptance.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to be told we are good and deserving. It is hard when so much of our life in tied up in another who has a strangle hold on all we see as potential.
God Bless you and Your children. And we shall get through this.
I don't even know you but can sense from your comment and your blog, you are good and deserving.
Peace and Happiness to you
Joe
Thank you. I'm reading despite the tears pouring from my eyes. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know ho I missed these comments - hahaha! So appropriate, considering the TOPIC of my post - hahaha!
ReplyDeleteAnd Joe, you aren't projecting too much... I think you are right on the money.
I have begun at the beginning. I am 3 years into a marriage with an alcoholic and have two small children. I am deciding if it is possible for my husband to succeed in getting and staying sober. My sense of urgency is great, as is my concern for our children and my feelings of stress, despair, and loneliness. So thank you for this blog.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this. I was feeling so alone. I've only been married 4years but its gotten worse I just had my 3rd little girl last month and it was all hell. My pregnancy full of tears. Hiding keys dumping bottles begging pleading threatening. I went into preteen labor and had her 6 weeks early spent 3 weeks going back and forth to the nicu. My husband gave me a sweet homemade mothers day gift and followed it up by getting drunk then got more pissy because I wouldn't allow him to go to the Nicu with me. I can't see doing this for 5 years let alone 20 with so much resent built up already I don't know if I love him still or its just fear of the unknown and comfort of what I already do. I'm going to my first al anon meeting Wed. I Def. Have to get back to caring about me and the girls and not his problem.
ReplyDelete