Victories

About 2 weeks ago, Mr M and I got in a fight and he purposely shut off the TV, turning off a movie I was watching (long story, but I hadn't even wanted to watch it, but he'd turned it on then I had gotten interested and was enjoying it and whenever he wanted to talk about a work project we were doing, I asked him to please pause it.  This bugged him so he turned it off to punish me)... the TV had been "paused", so the show was not 'live'.  It was neither recorded nor live, so by turning it off, he was causing me to not watch it any more.  It was such a purposely mean gesture that I burst into tears.  In our marriage, I have never really been a cryer.  I would get mad or yell or storm out but not usually cry. I am TRYING to be more vulnerable.  He has recently been saying that my sad doesn't look sad and my scared doesn't look scared... they both look mad.  So I thought I would try allowing my sad to look sad.  Also, since I am working on attachment stuff in therapy, I am very fragile and vulnerable, so it was easier than normal to let my tears out.

Me crying did not evoke compassion or love or comfort in my husband, it evoked anger.
I have always deluded myself that the reason I don't get comfort and compassion is because I don't let people in... I am not vulnerable... I don't "ask" for it. But when I did, I got nothing. This made me sad because it kind of made me see that that is a story I have been telling myself since I was small so that I don't have to feel sad or alone or disappointed. If it is my fault, then I control it, and I am in control and therefore powerful, not weak and alone. If I WANTED care & comfort, I could ask and get it, but I don't so it is my fault. This means others haven't let me down... I am the problem so I have the illusion of control. Asking Mr. M and having him deny me shattered my illusion.

I tried ASKING him to hug me and comfort me but he couldn't and WOULDN'T. He said that if I was sad about something a family member or friend had done to me and was crying about that, he would comfort me, but because I was crying about HIM and something HE had done, he had too much anger and couldn't hug me and never would... I could never expect that from him. Ever. He couldn't - and worse, didn't WANT to - do that for me.


Honestly, I was heart-broken. I felt very alone. I don't think I was ANGRY. I was sad... fragile... broken... and have been ever since. We have been acting like ships passing in the night. Two hurt people hurting each other in our pain and loss.


Father's day was ok. Mr. M slept in and I got him a watch (he ADORES and collects watches). We went and saw a 'dude' movie and had dinner. When we got home, we got in an argument. Annoyed and bothered, he started to leave the room. He has been doing this a lot lately... I am not WORTH arguing with. And again, my hurt came out about the fight 2 weeks ago. I want care and comfort and am heartbroken he committed to NOT EVER meeting my needs etc. He is exhausted from living with a hurt and sad and anxious woman who is supposed to be strong and confident and run the whole world while HE gets to fall apart and abandon us whenever the going gets too tough (this has been our agreement for 24 years). He wanted to leave the room, but he didn't. He stayed. I tried sharing how I needed him to hug me and be there for me. He was pretty unresponsive. I thanked him for listening and told him he could go watch TV in the other room if he wanted. He did not leave and asked a question. I talked a little more. He was unresponsive. I thanked him again (sincerely, both times) and told him he could go.


He got up and came over and wrapped me in his arms and hugged me.


I has to SO fight the urge to push him away; embarrassment, fear, shame, pride (how I acted when I was little tiny, and my parents always went "OK" and left me - again, I - at 18 months old - was responsible for not getting care and comfort). I forced myself to allow myself to be hugged. He was trying to give me what I was asking for. Could I make myself stay and receive it?
So I did. I laid there and cried and cried in his chest and let him hug me. And you know what? It met my need. It did.


I thanked him for doing that for me. I told him I was going to push him away. He said assumed I would (we know each other so well) and had geared up to keep trying to hug me anyway and push through my rejection. I told him I felt very loved. he said "You are."


The 'glow' lasted all the way til the next morning.
I saw him and my heart swelled with love for him. (And I still felt very loved and cared for.)
I told him so and went over and hugged him.


This was a victory for both of us and for our relationship.
It is these things that keep us hanging in there.