Last session we just sat and stared at each other - not literally, but we focused on me not wanting to focus on what I want to avoid.
I felt like when I was a child and my parents said I had to either choke down 3 bites of lima beans or sit at the table all night. Either choice is desperately painful but you are a kid and power less and at the mercy of someone else's power.
Dr. asked if I felt like HE was the mean parent forcing that.
I didn't THINK so... I was aware that I was choosing to stay focused on the discomfort. But I still felt caught between a rock and a hard place and either choice felt dooming.
He said we could come "around the corner" and look at whatever it was together. That word "together" seemed so foreign and out of plan to me... together??? No... I would come around the corner alone and uncover it alone and show him alone. So he said "So you think I will not be there with you."
But this wasn't true either. I thought I would be showing him, so he would BE there... but he would not come to it WITH me and it was not a "together" thing... I would be alone showing him.
At the end of the session, he asked if I just wanted to rip the bandaid off and tell him.
I said No Way. My session was over and I couldn't open that can of worms and then LEAVE. He said "Oh, so there is a tipping point in the session where if it doesn't come out by then, it isn't coming out." And I acknowledged that yes, if it is not out by the half way point, it is not coming out. (So many rules I make up in my own mind! :)
But so interesting that this makes sense as an 'absolute' in my brain... just realizing that this means (and says it very boldly) that I don't want to tell him and then dash out... I NEED him to process it with me before I leave... more "I need him"... AWKWARD!
Anyhow, so I got him and wrote up the issue and sent it to him.
(Now mind you you YOU know about it... I have written it. Several in-person friends know about it... but because it is about HIM, I cannot talk to HIM about it.) Here is what I wrote:
This is a bit of a
“stream of consciousness” because I tried not to censor and just let it flow,
so it is a bit rambling:
It wall started when as
I was leaving your office and Mr M's surgery was the next day you asked
"Are you asking me for something?” in response to something I said.
I came home and
journaled about WHY that triggered such embarrassment and shame.
While journaling, I had
to stop and cry because of the feelings it brought up.
Then later, when walking
with my friend and telling her about it, she suggested that if it were her, she would’ve felt like YES!, she DID want something. She would’ve wanted you to
go with her to the surgery and hold her hand and “be with” her.
I wouldn’t even THINK to
ask, expect, or hope for that, but when she said it, I had a wave of wanting to
cry… so it resonated with me.
{SIDE NOTE –but in the
same vein: When I brought it up to you, you said that when you asked me if I
was asking you for something, you felt like I needed a hug. That is the second time you have said that to me…
once was a long time ago, near the beginning of me seeing you.
That is one of those
things I was talking about in session where I hear something and nod “uh huh”
but don’t ask the question(s) that might seem obvious to others to ask.
“What are you seeing
that makes it seem like I need a hug?”
and
“What if that was
accurate and I DID need a
hug?”}
What all this has tapped
into for me is NEED and dependence.
I think I AM asking for
something.
I am not even sure what, but I know this oversteps bounds – bounds that I
have intrinsically “known” my whole life – by needing or wanting too much; what
is not available or appropriate to ask for.
I think I started to tap
into it a little even before all this when I told you that when I drove up near
your office at other times than therapy I had started to feel attachment to
you… I experienced it as “missing” you (because it felt like it had a little
grief element to it because I wasn’t seeing you until next Tuesday).
So if I AM asking you for something, that is embarrassing
because I am already getting all that I can reasonably expect. Plus, it is not polite to ask for
something that is not available and might make someone else (you)
uncomfortable.
If I DO need you or AM dependent on you, that is a tiny bit more fine with me, internally
(NOT if I express it to you!!!) but I understand the ‘rules’ that I will keep
it to myself, because again, that is embarrassing because I am already getting
all that I should reasonably ask or expect.
And if I DID actually
need a hug – I can’t even GET that far to know if I did/do or not… but to even
think, “what IF I did?” – that is embarrassing because that is not available or
appropriate.
Another side note: A
friend asked if this is because I am actually experiencing
need/dependence/attachment as “attraction” and that is why I am embarrassed or feel like it is
inappropriate. I don’t think that is how I am experiencing it because I don’t
think I feel attracted to you in that way. It feels pretty clear to me that I could equally be
experiencing this need/dependence/attachment with a man or woman and I would
feel equally uncomfortable and inappropriate. (I mean I guess there is an added element of perceived inappropriateness I would want to protect myself
from because you are a man and someone else could easily misunderstand what I
mean.) But on my end it is about
need and attachment and dependence and my embarrassment over my need and that I
am asking/wanting/needing too much.
That I am breaking rules.
So many things.
I am even embarrassed
reading back over this because it seems trivial and it seems like a lot of
naval gazing (more shame and embarrassment), BUT it obviously ISN’T trivial and
is deep for me.
And in thinking about
it, I really DON’T think I felt “forced” by you into leaning into this. I agreed to because I wanted to (as
much as, or more than, I didn’t want to).
I don’t think I was protecting myself from being angry with you. I could be wrong and I know I would
definitely DO that, but I don’t think I am in this particular case.
So there it is and I am
glad I am not seeing you for 2 weeks :/
He replied back:
"You are a brave one and I agree that you wanted this for yourself. I'm glad you have opened the door to such honesty within yourself and I'm looking forward to getting in there with you."
Today is my first session since I sent this (and received his response).
I go in an hour.
I am SICK with anxiety.
I want to just go in and talk about a few parenting struggles and marriage issues I am having.
I want to call in sick.
I want to pretend I forgot it was Tuesday because of the holiday and just not go.
I want to quit permanently.
ANYTHING but this. ANYTHING.
I am sick.
I have a stomach ache. My heart is racing. I want a xanax or a drink or something to calm these feelings. (Interesting side note for me to pay attention to: I do not want to EAT to soothe myself like I normally do... I will want to eat a LOT after the session... that will be my comfort and/or reward after, but right now, I have a stomach ache and I want to anesthetize with "MEDICINE".)
I am going.
I will have to talk about it.
I am sick about it.
I will live.
... at least that is what I am telling myself... but the way I am feeling, it doesn't seem like I actually believe that...
