My Drinking Part 2

Update/follow up to "My Drinking" part 1, click here.

I drink now. But I've reigned it in since my original foray into it and all my concerns. I probably have a drink now once every few months.

A lot of my drinking was related to my social choices. I was hanging out with FUN people who like to drink and drink a lot (and possibly unrelated, are not church/faith friends, but kids' sports friends - notoriously a big drinking crowd). they made drinking look fun and enticing. I was tired of being alone and not having fun. I wanted to be a "part of" (always on of my big issues). And I am not great at moderation in anything I like.

I stopped hanging out with that crowd (I believe God removed it from me or me from it). My kids stopped playing on their club sports teams. Mr. M came home. I stopped having endless hours to hang out. I wasn't going to leave him to go drink. he couldn't very well come along and watch the rest of us drink. So it just fizzled.

My kids don't/didn't like to see me drink. Mr. M obviously hated it. Mr. M and I are together a LOT and I wasn't going to drink around my alcoholic husband.

So on rare occasion, when I am with a couple girlfriends and no hubbies and no kids, I may have a margarita or a glass of wine. This is a rare occurrence.

So, while I am no longer sober and do not need to be, I also do not really drink.

Interesting. Interesting.

Long Time No See

It has been a long time since I have been here. And yet, looking through it, it still feels like home. I stopped writing when Mr. M came back home. But I shouldn't have. I am chronicling a journey.

That journey includes relapses and binges and my grief and trauma and my anger and fantasies... but it wasn't ONLY that. It was also my therapy journey. And the periods of rest and peace and joy.

Right now Mr. M has coming up on TWO YEARS SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is awesome. Life has been SO good. Everything I fantasized about. (No - not perfect. Still fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. But "normal" fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. Not heart-wrenching, death-defying, constant crisis, survival mode.) Isn't THAT worth writing about too?

I PRAY he stays sober (right now - as I type - he is with his sponsor working on his 8th step - "made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"). If he does, that will be awesome - and our mental health, marriage redemption journey is STILL worth writing about because it is still a learning, growth process.

On the other hand, if he were to relapse, it would be so nice to have a record of both the good times and bad HERE on this blog. A record of my growth - and regression (hahaha!).

I'm going to TRY to pop in a write more regularly.

For now, an update:

I turned 40. Mr. M & some girlfriends threw me a party. It was hard to accept all that love and attention and effort. I tried to just relax and allow it. It was awkward and uncomfortable... yet nice.

Hacker met a girl and is getting married (all within 13 months of cross-country dating from date of meeting to wedding date). Even though they are 4 years older than we were when we said "I do", I am worried and have all sorts of advice and warnings, he does not appreciate my spiritual gift of control that much :)

Drummer went off to college. We had to have financial help (70%) from family. We are doing one year. Don't know if the money will be there to do more. But what a BLESSING one year has been. I just saw a facebook post written at 4:40AM. Is he sleeping at all? Is he going to class? Is he doing his homework? Is he getting good grades? Hmmmmmm... do you see a theme of control and worry?

Bub got his driver's license. Need I go into any details about my fear and control there????

Girlie is a hormonal maniac (it is definitely genetic, I was a FREAK at her age). As I parent her, it is SOOOOOOOOOO much work and she pushes us away and yet we push through it and stay in relationship with her and continue to act "as if" with her (as if she is still pleasant, as if she is sane, as if she didn't just say she hates us etc.). We love her and rejoice in her great, sane moments. As i do that, I feel sadness for how much my own parents were not able to offer that for me when i was a psychotic teen... yet how much I needed it. Some of it was fear on their part, some laziness, some misunderstanding, some irresponsibility, some ignorance. But whatever the reason... I needed someone to love me enough to tough it out with me and contain my anger and not abandon me and still be brave enough to be tough and parent me. I feel sad for the 13 year old girl that was me in 1982 who did not get that and yet I am SO grateful it helped me be equipped to give that to our daughter.

My business is doing well - even in this economy. (I need to write an entire post about gratefulness. I am FILLED with gratefulness - and yet I still live in a LOT of fear of losing everything... I need a whole ADDITIONAL post about FEAR!) God has provided enough income for this season through MY job that Mr. M could quit his miserable job of 15 years with his toxic employer (who WAS patient and merciful though, through all Mr. M's ups and downs) and started his own business - after one year sober. It is growing and starting to establish itself. (Unlike so many alcoholics, Mr. M is not one bit lazy and has an AWESOME work ethic when he is sober... so this is not a "pretend to have my own business" set up... he is working his BUTT off... I am so impressed with him.)

I have SO much more to say about my therapy - future post.

About how much growing up I have had to do in letting go of Mr. M in my alcoholic marriage - even in sobriety and starting his own business and going to meetings and parenting, etc.

About friendships.

About parenting.

About my own parents.

About money.

About God.

About learning about my own flaws.

Wow... there are my next 9 posts all laid out for me.

See you soon.

Keep on keeping on.

xo

The Diet - Part 2 and update

Well, it has been MONTHS since my last update and the beginning of our diets.

We eventually adjusted to our crabbiness and settled into the routine. We ate healthier and made wiser eating choices. I continued walking around the lake (3 miles) 5 days a week. My caffeine reduction did NOT go so well and I am still clinging to my full-fledged addiction.

I have lost around 30 lbs. and have about 25 to go. I am already MUCH happier with how I look! Mr. M is down to 222 lbs. and does not want to lose any more. He just wants to keep lifting weights and getting BIGGER at the gym.

We went on a 2 week family vacation at the start of summer and I utterly and entirely did not watch a THING I ate (well, except to WATCH it go INTO MY MOUTH!!!). I did not gain anything back, thankfully, but I sure as heck did not lose. We have been back 3 weeks now and I am having trouble getting back into the swing of things... it is REALLY hard. Again, I am not gaining, but I'm not losing. I have been good the last 3 days or so. Hoping I will have more discipline. I am hoping by Christmas I will be where I want to be. (That seems a LONG way off!)

HOW ARE WE DOING IT? - calorie counting pure and simple.

Eat less, move more.

Calories in/calories out.

Less input/more output.

I get 1500 calories per day.

Mr. M gets 2400 calories per day.

Update on our Fam:

Mr. M is still progressing nicely in his sobriety.

He has 16 months.

It is not perfect.

I still get very fearful and suspicious and controlling.

Drummer had his birthday party and we had 40 old teens/young adults over and Mr. M disappeared and didn't tell me where he was going (at 10PM). He sauntered back in a little bit later and I was a little panicky and accusatory. He was ashamed, hurt and pissed so he did not comfort me or assuage my fears. He acted all cavalier and like I was over-reacting and "what's the big deal". this was all SUCH old behavior and did nothing to quell my fears. We were able to talk it out and work through it and he admitted he was ashamed and embarrassed and wished he could go to the store without me freaking out... but he realizes it is HIS past behavior that puts us in that position. Blah blah blah. We shall see, you know? In the meantime, I am powerless over Mr. M and my life is unmanageable.

I am still in therapy and I STILL feel like I am growing and making progress... so as long as that is true, I will keep going.

The kids are doing well.

Hacker is planning a mission trip for several months to Africa.

Drummer is getting ready to head off to college *sniff sniff*.

Bub is about to get his driver's license.

Girlie is an emotional roller coaster - teenage girls... CRAZY!!!

xo

Mutual Agreements

Mr. M's currently does not live at home... he still lives at a sober-living facility. (He calls this his 'dwelling', he won't call it his 'house' or 'home'). He pays $700 a month to rent a bed in this dwelling. He shares a room with a roomie (who can change if the guy gets drunk or moves out etc.). Food is provided (old expired stuff donated from stores - YUCK!). Each resident has chores, and just like kids & teenagers, they try to get out of them, try to get others to do them, make excuses as to why they couldn't do them, lie about whether they did them etc. (Not Mr. M though, he is a little OCD and not only does his own chores, but others' and tried to shame others into doing theirs.)

Anyhow, The guy who runs (owns?) his dwelling - I will call him "CIA", which is how he sometimes jokingly refers to himself, to stand for Catholic Irish Alcoholic - has 12 years sober and came over to meet with us about how to gradually work back into Mr. M coming home when he reaches 1 year sober (God willing) in March.

It was a very valuable meeting, in my opinion. But a meeting only people in an Alcoholic Marriage could understand. We calendared out expectations, including how many meetings Mr. M will go to a week - even when on vacation. When he might go to the gym, come over and visit, spend the night etc.

We talked about when I was butting in and "running his program", when I was just a loved one expressing concern, or when I was a human being setting boundaries.

Very blurred lines, to say the least.

We talked about how I attempt to control Mr. M, my children, my environment, and circumstances because I am afraid. We talked about what is my part and what is his part. We talked about Mr. M's responsibility to build trust and make me feel safe and willingness to commit to a schedule which I know and can set me watch by.

Our homework was to come up with a proposed calendar as well as a list of "Mutual Agreements"... we would submit these to CIA and Sponsor and Dr. and get some input. This is out first pass, for those who are interested:

MUTUAL AGREEMENTS
Overnights
July - September 25 -

Sat. night

September 25 – Thanksgiving:

Wed./Sat. nights
Thanksgiving – January 15:

Wed./Fri./Sat. nights
January 15 – March

Wed./Fri./Sat./Sun. nights

March - 1 year sober, move home!

Program & Counseling
Mr. M will go to 4 meetings a week and 1 individual counseling session a week.
Mr. M will locate & attend at least 3 meetings a week while on any vacations.
Mrs. M will go to counseling & Bible Study each week.
Mrs. M will look for a new Al-Anon meeting, finding one to be her “home meeting”.
Mr. M & Mrs. M will ask CIA about the couples' meeting he recommended and/or find another couples' meeting.
Mr. M & Mrs. M will consider and investigate couples counseling.
Mr. M will work Steps 4-9 before coming home (not beginning "1 week" before, but be working on them from September until March.)
Mr. M will do service committee commitment at local facility where drunks go to dry out. (Mrs. M will support and encourage that.)
Mr. M will keep and work with a Sponsor.
Mr. M will incorporate some morning workouts and meetings into his schedule.

Household
Mrs. M will use more words like “we” and “ours” instead of “I”, “mine” and “my”, especially as they get closer to March.

When Mr. M comes home, Mrs. M will clean off Mr. M’s side of the bed and end table and respect the sanctity of these areas in addition to the workbench in the garage.

Mr. M will not throw Mrs. M’s stuff in the trash, but has the right to have a trash bag or box somewhere to dump it if she stacks or piles in his areas.

Mr. M agrees to incur no new debt without Mrs. M’s agreement.

Mr. M will provide Mrs. M with at least $250 per week child support.

Mr. M & Mrs. M will agree to try the “letter” communication in a couple big disagreements as another tool to help. (Writing letters to one another to express feeling and giving time between communications to digest information and respectfully communicate.)

Mrs. M will not ask Mr. M to leave the house and neither Mr. M nor Mrs. M will threaten divorce in anger in routine, day to day arguments.

To Drink or NOT To Drink?

I had not had a drink in 20+ years.  I had 20+ years sober.  I am almost 40... I got sober at 17.... the same time I met Mr. M and he was newly sober too.  

I thought we were on the same "path" together, wanting the same things.  

Only I stayed on that path, and he was off frolicking in the "forest" (well, you get the picture!).  Then he'd be back on the path (or at least tell me he was back on the path).  Then he would be nowhere to be found on the path and instead be drunk and passed out in the forest somewhere (usually on a major holiday or for one of the kids' birthday parties).  Then he would - supposedly - be back on the path.  Then suddenly fired from his job and running through the forest again.  Meanwhile, I am trudging along on the path, alone.  Trying to make sure the kids get an occasional vegetable, getting them to church, sports, band, Dr. appointments, getting poster board for the family-tree project in Spanish 1, getting new "skinny jeans" for a non-uniform day at school, paying bills, going to the bank, making sure there is toilet paper, cleaning up dog pee in the living room (because it is raining outside and heaven forbid the dog do out in the cold and get a chill or get damp!), putting kids on restriction, enforcing bedtimes, arguing about curfew, kissing boo-boos (big and little, real and imagined, about girlfriends or Dad).  (I don't mean to sound so bitter!!)

All this time and I am on the path.

Last summer I started thinking "Why am I sober?  Why don't I drink?"  Do I really think I have a problem with alcohol?  Or do I think I am being a 'good influence' on Mr. M and will model for him what 'not drinking' looks like?  Am I just taking a moral stand against alcohol?"  I looked at Mr. M and I thought THAT is what an alcoholic looks like...  I am not an alcoholic!  I don't have to prove anything to anybody!  And I had a drink.  A margarita, in fact.  And I liked it.  (Yes, I had a tiny bit of a buzz - hey, it had been over 20 years since a drop of alcohol had touched my lips - in fact, I got sober before I had ever even had a legal drink!)  

Now, I have a drink once a week or once every other week or every third week or so.  I went on vacation and had a beer every day.  One day, I had two (gasp!).  Do you know what I found out? Alcohol makes me sleepy (wow, I'm getting old).  

I don't even really WANT to drink at lunch time (then all I want to do is go home and nap!). 

But with dinner, it's kinda nice to have a drink.  Because you know what?  I am not an alcoholic. 

I have a boatload of other problems... but heck, I am WAY more likely to over-indulge in pizza than in alcohol... and though cheesecake will definitely make my jeans tighter and affect my self-esteem and even my health, I am not likely to get fired from my job or leave my family for a cheeseburger, ranch dressing, or ice cream. 

(Although that doesn't sound half bad some days ;o)

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to log off now and go have some chili cheese fries and a beer!