Friends

I just got an anonymous comment on an old post that I thought something she said was worth delving into.  She said "I have been married 20 years, and my husband has been a drunk for the past 8. The loneliness, loss of friends, financial meltdown, anxiety, and sense of rejection ...took their toll on me.  I tried to develop a circle of female friends but the ones I made ended up relocating."


I thought of friends -  same-sex friends - these are SUCH a huge part of recovery and healing and not being alone.  
I think SHAME can keep us from inviting others into our world.  I understand the embarrassment and the shame.  I understand we might want to protect our spouse from the negative opinions of others.  I used to tell myself that when he got sober and this was all "in the past", I didn't want people to judge him and not want to be friends with us.  (This was before I experienced Mr. M's recurring cycle of relapse... and that he might never actually BE sober for more than a few years here and a few years there... I deluded myself into thinking it would "end".  And hey, it still could, but it if the saying "The greatest indicator of future behavior is past behavior" is true, then it is MORE likely he will keep relapsing.)  Also, I was afraid people wouldn't want their kids to be friends with my kids or come over to our house.  I was afraid that people would judge ME since I was married to him... like we were ALL "alcoholic losers" (how I thought they would view us because so many people don't understand the disease).  AA has a saying that "You are only as sick as your secrets".  I deeply believe this and have tried to live by it for MOST of the last 24 years.  AA is an anonymous program -   Mr. M goes by his first name and last initial in the program.  Celebrities are not supposed to say they are in AA.  However, and might be a point of contention and many might disagree with me, and that's OK; I do not have to keep Mr. M's secrets.  He has abandoned us over and over again.  I have needed a lot of help over the years - financial, emotional, spiritual, physical.  If people didn't know our struggles, they wouldn't know I needed help.  I would suffer alone and so would my kids.  It has been EXTREMELY helpful to have people bring dinners for a couple weeks here and there.  One year people anonymous dropped Christmas at our doorstep (decorations, a tree, gift cards etc.).  People have done toilet paper and milk market runs for me when I was desperate.  I try to be kind and compassionate in how I present Mr. M's struggles.  I am after all still married to him and he IS my kids' dad.  I don't want to destroy him in everyone's eyes... I just try to let them in on our struggles.  I think it has been helpful to have the kids see people's love and care and compassion.
Yes, we HAVE been judged by some, I am sure.  And yes, I am sure some people probably DIDN'T let their kids come over to our house to play or spend the night.  But overall, I have mostly experienced GRACE and love from people.  Many are eager to understand the disease element and ask LOTS of good questions when I give them the chance.  (I ALWAYS point them to the Big Book of AA.)  I can't tell you how many spouses and parents and siblings and children of addicts have called me for help over the years.  Mostly, they don't love what I have to say... they want advice on how to fix their alcoholic.  (I try not to laugh!)  I always point them in the direction of Al-Anon.  Period.  They usually don't go.  That's ok.  They will when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


That is what I would tell anonymous; get to an al-anon meeting.  Period.  You will find life and friends in those rooms and yes, a few special people might move away, but the FELLOWSHIP can be your family and the Fellowship as a whole will not leave you.  You will begin to feel at home and "part of" in those rooms if you "keep coming back".


Friendships are invaluable. I have found SO MUCH LIFE in my friendships.  Laughter and community are life-giving.  We were not meant to suffer alone.
Mr. M keeps trying to convince me to move to the Caribbean with him.  This sounds glorious on so many levels.  But when I really think about it, I can't ever do it.  He is deluding himself by thinking if he pulls a "geographical", as the program calls it (moving to get away from yourself - never realizing that "wherever you go, there you are") things will suddenly be better.  He thinks living in a favorite vacation destination will mean he will have the peace and joy and rest he experiences on vacation, every single day of real life.  ("But Honey, you won't be on vacation... we will have to work and pay bills, and cook and clean...").  I can't leave because he is living in 'magical thinking'.  I also can't leave because I cannot leave my support system.  I cannot let him isolate me.  
Currently, I walk 3-5 miles almost every day with a friend: ML & KD on mondays, DH on tuesdays, DP on wednesdays, JD on thursdays, SA on fridays, KB on the weekends occasionally.  These are not mindless chatting walks... these are wonderful, high-caliber friends who are honest and real and full of love and wisdom.  Most of them have been through deep personal struggles from a cheating husband to a child getting assaulted to children struggling with mental illness etc.  Two of them are therapists (getting their masters and hours in mid-life).  All are great listeners and honest share-ers.
I am in a Bible study group 1x a week with earnest, loving, honest women.
I am in a "whole hearted" group 1x a month with another group of women; pastors' wives, therapists, authors, speakers - all of whom have known DEEP pain.
I have different levels of connectedness to each of them but I value every one.
I will not let Mr. M take that away from me.
I choose to not live in fantasy... "reality is my friend" (as one of my therapist friends would say).  And reality is that I cannot trust my husband enough to leave my support system right now - if ever. 


I KNOW friendships can be painful and we can sometimes be bitterly disappointed when people let us down.  (One of my longest & dearest friends seems to always be in crisis when I am having big family moments.  For example, she missed Hacker's wedding and she just missed Bub's graduation party.  She let me down and that is tremendously sad.  At the same time, I know she loves me the best she knows how and I also know that she would give me the shirt off her back, even if it harmed her.  But she is a HUMAN and she is flawed - as am I - and she WILL let me down... and sadly, I will let her down.)  But it is STILL worth investing in and continuing to pursue.  We were created to do life together.  So Anonymous, don't give up. And get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.  And then another one.  And then another one...

Mutual Agreements

Mr. M's currently does not live at home... he still lives at a sober-living facility. (He calls this his 'dwelling', he won't call it his 'house' or 'home'). He pays $700 a month to rent a bed in this dwelling. He shares a room with a roomie (who can change if the guy gets drunk or moves out etc.). Food is provided (old expired stuff donated from stores - YUCK!). Each resident has chores, and just like kids & teenagers, they try to get out of them, try to get others to do them, make excuses as to why they couldn't do them, lie about whether they did them etc. (Not Mr. M though, he is a little OCD and not only does his own chores, but others' and tried to shame others into doing theirs.)

Anyhow, The guy who runs (owns?) his dwelling - I will call him "CIA", which is how he sometimes jokingly refers to himself, to stand for Catholic Irish Alcoholic - has 12 years sober and came over to meet with us about how to gradually work back into Mr. M coming home when he reaches 1 year sober (God willing) in March.

It was a very valuable meeting, in my opinion. But a meeting only people in an Alcoholic Marriage could understand. We calendared out expectations, including how many meetings Mr. M will go to a week - even when on vacation. When he might go to the gym, come over and visit, spend the night etc.

We talked about when I was butting in and "running his program", when I was just a loved one expressing concern, or when I was a human being setting boundaries.

Very blurred lines, to say the least.

We talked about how I attempt to control Mr. M, my children, my environment, and circumstances because I am afraid. We talked about what is my part and what is his part. We talked about Mr. M's responsibility to build trust and make me feel safe and willingness to commit to a schedule which I know and can set me watch by.

Our homework was to come up with a proposed calendar as well as a list of "Mutual Agreements"... we would submit these to CIA and Sponsor and Dr. and get some input. This is out first pass, for those who are interested:

MUTUAL AGREEMENTS
Overnights
July - September 25 -

Sat. night

September 25 – Thanksgiving:

Wed./Sat. nights
Thanksgiving – January 15:

Wed./Fri./Sat. nights
January 15 – March

Wed./Fri./Sat./Sun. nights

March - 1 year sober, move home!

Program & Counseling
Mr. M will go to 4 meetings a week and 1 individual counseling session a week.
Mr. M will locate & attend at least 3 meetings a week while on any vacations.
Mrs. M will go to counseling & Bible Study each week.
Mrs. M will look for a new Al-Anon meeting, finding one to be her “home meeting”.
Mr. M & Mrs. M will ask CIA about the couples' meeting he recommended and/or find another couples' meeting.
Mr. M & Mrs. M will consider and investigate couples counseling.
Mr. M will work Steps 4-9 before coming home (not beginning "1 week" before, but be working on them from September until March.)
Mr. M will do service committee commitment at local facility where drunks go to dry out. (Mrs. M will support and encourage that.)
Mr. M will keep and work with a Sponsor.
Mr. M will incorporate some morning workouts and meetings into his schedule.

Household
Mrs. M will use more words like “we” and “ours” instead of “I”, “mine” and “my”, especially as they get closer to March.

When Mr. M comes home, Mrs. M will clean off Mr. M’s side of the bed and end table and respect the sanctity of these areas in addition to the workbench in the garage.

Mr. M will not throw Mrs. M’s stuff in the trash, but has the right to have a trash bag or box somewhere to dump it if she stacks or piles in his areas.

Mr. M agrees to incur no new debt without Mrs. M’s agreement.

Mr. M will provide Mrs. M with at least $250 per week child support.

Mr. M & Mrs. M will agree to try the “letter” communication in a couple big disagreements as another tool to help. (Writing letters to one another to express feeling and giving time between communications to digest information and respectfully communicate.)

Mrs. M will not ask Mr. M to leave the house and neither Mr. M nor Mrs. M will threaten divorce in anger in routine, day to day arguments.

FOLLOWERS

I just figured out how to add followers to my Alcoholic Marriage blog and become a follower of others'  blogs.  I am so excited!  (Not that anyone is following mine - YET - so I am just excited to have learned something new technologically!)

To add a followers gadget to your own blog:

It is under "dashboard".

Then "layout".

Then "page elements".

Then "add a gadget".

Then it will show you followers.

To become a follower of someone else's blog:

Go to your "dashboard".

You will see your "reading list".

It will say "blogs I am following".

Down at the bottom, there is a tab that says "add".

Click that and a pop up will ask you to enter the URL of the blog you would like to follow.

You can also choose to follow publicly or privately.

For a fun, friend's blog, you might choose to follow publicly so everyone will know you follow that blog.

For Alcoholic Marriage, you might choose to follow privately so you can remain anonymous.

Happy following!

Blog Friends - Rhonda McPost

Back in my very first post from February 7, 2008 titled "My Alcoholic Husband", I received a comment that I think is worth sharing and since it was on such an old post, I thought it would likely get overlooked.

Rhonda Mc said

"I know exactly how you feel. I divorced my alcoholic husband of 24 years and regret it. What I can tell you is he is sick and does not choose to be a drunk and we, the social drinker, can NOT fathom that.

"Go get help for your part of the problem. Enabling. Go to Al-Anon really learn what we do wrong as wives of loving alcoholics. He has to want to fix himself and be a responsible adult. J ust as you have to take responsibilty for your actions.

"They are caring loving feeling human beings just as we are and if I can save your marriage I hope you will stop listening to your emotions and get a real grasp on alcoholism acceptance, faith, love for yourself and your husband.

"Think of him as a good friend that is very sick. Do not berate him. I know it is hard to understand but, just keep learning how to be responsible for yourself and leave his alcoholism to him.

"Do not bail him out of jams or degrade him to himself, your families, the kids, frends, or co workers. Do not buy into the denial and lies be aloof and detach with love.

"Trust me, agree with him when he says something... his feelings are just as valid as yours, because he FEELS that way. My ex says I didn't respect him. He is right. How could I? He'd go to bars with the neighbors, been in two rehabs and was sober for 10 years - a "dry drunk" they call it. I nor you are the cause of his drinking we can not cure their drinking and we can not control their drinking.

"Get a life of your own, not for vengeance, for peace of mind. Go to movies get a group of girl friends and play bunco cards whatever.
"Be respectful of yourself and your spouse and your marriage. They are the men we chose to marry and they are good men who are addicted to alcohol because they have something they don't like about themselves.

"If you are like me and have been married 20+ years they are all we know and we have been molded to the way they treat us. This is not normal but, if you change yourself and stop concentrating on him, your life will improve and you have twelve months to get it right.

"I envy you. I don't have that chance I had to divorce as he did not care about me and I allowed his drinking to destroy me and I am having a hard time with the decision I made. I never should've divorced him but, I never should've allowed this to happen to me in the first place. I am a good wife and mother and I deserve respect love honor trust faithfulness committment and fun and you do too. So does he.

"If you want something from your husband tell him lovingly. Hold my hand honey and let's go ... give him a kiss goodmorning and good night tell him how much you appreciate his help and that you are proud of him.

"Think about never seeing loving or touching your husband again.   Find that love that God has for all of us. We are codependents we are sometimes sicker than the alcoholic because we are addicted to the alcoholic. 

"I know first hand what you are going through and if I can help you not make the same mistakes I made, then I have done something. 

... "It's painful either way but, learn all you can about alcoholism go to an open AA meeting I learned a lot.   They lie and believe their own lies and until they stop the denial and lies themselves there is NOTHING you can do but, heal yourself and get a sponsor of your own.  Trust me. It works. 

"Keep strong and remember why you married him, because love is deeper thn anything and God commands us to forgive 7 times 70 and wants us to love one another more than anything. 

"God be with you and your husband.   Don't give up... get over the emotions and think with your head.   You are not crazy just an enabling co dependent. They are adults and can get themselves out of their own mess they need wives not Mommas! 

"Now if you have other enablers and they are not willing to stop enabling (as my in-laws weren't) then ask your sponsor for help as we have control over no one but ourselves. I love my in-laws but, they turned their backs on me and I have to accept their denial and betrayal no matter how hurt angry and devastated I am,  if I keep haboring resentment I am only hurting myself.  Stop the negativity and pity party and get the help YOU need for you and your kids. 

"I hope this helped. I am right where you are. Divorce is a cop out and he asked me for a divorce and I gave it to him and I wish I would've never done that and let him file because he never would've had the guts to. How do I know that? He came back after 7 months of partying and when I told him I had filed that was it. I then asked him to work at our marriage and became weak in his eyes and I don't want that to happen to you. If you work keep working,  if not get a job. You do it for yourself and your kids. Not to hurt or punish your alcoholic husband. You both are responsible and need to be accountable for your actions. You are NOT there to point out his flaws. Look at your flaws and fix yourself. Trust me you can always go back to your old ways. God bless you and your family. Rhonda Mc"

Good stuff Rhonda!  Thanks for the comment.

Keep 'em coming!