Thursday, October 27, 2011

Asking Him to Leave

Mr M started drinking on Sunday and it went from bad to worse FAST.
AA says it is a "progressive disease", meaning it is always in progression. It doesn't go back and start at square one, it picks up where it left off.
So Mr. M couldn't hide it and secretly drink for months or years like he used to be able to... he couldn't work and play-act like he used to.
He was "skid row bum" drunk within 24 hours.
He was weeping and telling our kids all his regrets about raising them.
He repeated his stories 5, 6, 7 times each.
He slurred his words.
He reeked.
He got angry, belligerent, and aggressive.
At 3Am, he picked up the coffee table and made as if to throw it at me (after throwing a bag of chips down the hall at me, flinging them all throughout the hall). When Drummer (age 21) came in and tried to intervene (because dad was load and angry and it woke him from a sound sleep), Mr. M turned on him and started kind of lunging at him and threatening him. Drummer left the house and ran down the street. I calmed Mr. M down by reasoning that he should be proud that Drummer was trying to protect me, his mom. Mr. M kind of went for it and calmed down. This was all on night TWO!

He proceeded to stumble down the hall and run into walls, get up and down repeatedly during the night, mumbling, thrashing about, crying, complaining, SCREAMING and groaning with pain in his stomach, eating everything in the fridge and cupboards at all hours. He PEED HIS PANTS on the sofa and Bub (18) saw it and burst into tears.
Mr M went into the backyard to kick off his wet pants then proceeded to walk around naked then entering the kitchen and eating a meal naked. He eventually tried to put on fresh underpants but kept falling over and putting 2 legs in one hole. I eventually offered to help to which he grudgingly responded "Yea, please".

I told him this was not good for the kids and would he please leave and go get a motel room and do his drinking. He told me to F**k myself and that it was HIS house too... he is on the deed... he helps pay for it. He told me to call the "F-ing cops" because what are they going to do;
"Mr M, are you drunk?"
"Yep! And there is not an f-ing thing you can do about it... I am a grown man, drunk in my own house... so f**k off, Pig."

The next morning, when he sobered up a little, before he embarked on the day's drinking, he felt a little bad and said he would leave. I was relieved. I left to therapy thinking we would deal with that when I returned. When I came back, he was three-sheets-to-the-wind (is that saying??? Is it "two sheets"?) and back to telling me I could F**k myself and that it was HIS house too... he is on the deed... he helps pay for it. Call the "F-ing cops" because what are they going to do:
"Mr M, are you drunk?"
"Yep! And there is not an f-ing thing you can do about it... I am a grown man, drunk in my own house... so f**k off, Pig."
And so it goes.

So the NEXT day when he woke up and said he would leave, I had him pack his bags and go right then. He started to walk down the street, but I knew he would just come back later that night and I didn't want that. I had his car keys - confiscated to prevent drunk driving so he would either have to go on foot or I would drive him. I drove him down to a fleabag motel about 20 minutes south. He got out of the car and checked in and I drove away, leaving him to drink.
Possibly to drink himself to death.

How it came about

We got home from 2 blissful weeks in Hawai'i. He did not drink. I know because I was with him 24 hours a day. We snorkeled and hiked and sun-bathed and swam and explored and drive around and ate and slept and had sex. It was a delightful time. I was hoping SO DEEPLY that this relapse was just going to be a "blip" on the screen and that he could bounce back without having to lose everything, including his 2 year old thriving business.
Wishful thinking.

We got home late friday night. We were up early and off to Girlie's cross country (xcountry) meet. She had said she didn't want us there but when she heard us cheering right before the finish line, she waved. When we hugged her sweaty body after the race, she said "I was looking for you through the whole race and listening for your voice!" (They SAY they don't want you to go, but they don't know what they want!... TEENAGERS! :)

We came home and Bub called to say he and his girlfriend had made it to the finals of the drama festival for their scene from "The Notebook". I decided I would go. I don't know if it was guilt because Dad is drinking, guilt that we had been away for 2 weeks, or the realization that time FLIES and I am almost DONE with active mothering, but I am trying to be there for EVERYTHING. (Probably all of the above.) I have regrets about not being able to do this with the older 2. I didn't have the perspective and I also had 2 little children I was still having to drag around to everything and drive everywhere.
But still, hindsight is 20/20.
I dashed down to the school to see it. Mr. M, Drummer, and Hacker (and the new Mrs. Hacker) joined us and Girlie arrived by bus from her xcountry meet and we ALL got to see their performance... and they WON! The day continued at this busy pace trying to get back on track after being gone for 2 weeks.

Mr. M needed to run a few errands. I wanted to go with him. Heck, we had been together for 14 solid days. I was kind of feeling homesick for him. He thought I wanted to "guard him"... I guess that was also true. I was SO scared to lose him. But I KNOW I can't follow him around and go to work with him and keep him from drinking... but still, I think the impulse is still there.

Sunday, I had to go to a close friend's daughter's wedding. I had to go early to help with centerpieces. I had no sooner walked in the door than Girlie texted "Is dad still drinking?" I told here I didn't think so but asked why she was asking. She said he was acting strange and chewing gum and kind of smelled. I hope I am saving her YEARS of denial and self doubt by telling her what it took Oprah telling me; BELIEVE YOURSELF.

The kids said I didn't need to rush home form the wedding. So I stayed. I felt guilty, but I wanted to be at the wedding for my friend. I wanted to have a fun time before I faced the hell that is my life again. I didn't want to rush home to a drunk husband and an afternoon of misery. So yes, I stayed. I stayed and drank a couple glasses of wine, I took photos in the photo booth and I danced & laughed. I had a fist clenching in the pit of my stomach the whole time (although the wine helped me for get a LITTLE) but I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich for a few hours and pretended all was well.

I came home and the familiar saga began.
I TRIED not to enter into counterproductive behaviors I KNOW better than to do, but I did some of them any way.
I snuck around and followed him and poured out vodka.
Now I am looking up sober living homes and treatment facilities that HE does not care enough to look up. WHY?
I cannot make him care about me and the kids more than the booze.
I cannot keep him sober.
I cannot control him.
I cannot wish him sober.
He has to want it and he has to choose it.
Right now he is choosing sickness.
I have to choose wellness for me.

I am SEEING my obsession.
I am seeing how much my feelings are so very tied to his actions and his choices.
I am seeing how stoic I try to be, carrying on by myself.
I am seeing my behavior patterns that I do even though I know they are not healthy or helpful... I see the payoff for me in these behaviors.

I am still not on speaking terms with his Mom and do not have the energy to coddle and spoon feed his dad. I feel guilty, but I barely have enough energy for myself and the kids.

Dogs Bark and...

It always used to take me a long time to see, realize, admit, Mr. M was drinking again. I SO did not want it to be true, but ever since I have my "Oprah Epiphany", I believe myself and not the lying alcoholic. In the past I had been SO willing to think myself crazy and believe HIM over me. But now, I believe ME.

I saw the behaviors leading up to his falling off the wagon. I saw them coming. I pointed out my concern. I offered support, love, and help. He wanted none of it. He was on a collision course for a relapse. Seeing it coming means nothing really because I was powerless to prevent it. It is like having your leg stuck somehow in the railroad track and although you SEE the train barreling down on you, you can do NOTHING to get out of the way.

I feel betrayed and abandoned and believe it or not, I feel SHOCKED. I am not "surprised" per se, but I am still shocked. I have been able to forgive him and give a clean slate and own my own contributions to our dysfunctional patterns and to live as if we are BOTH the issue so that I can forgive him and we can live as 2 equals and move forward without bitterness and"owing". I have HAD to live as if I did not think he would relapse again. Even though it was always a lurking fear, I put it away from me, sealed up tight.

I shouldn't be shocked because I know the old saying "Dogs bark. Drunks drink." Period. And yet...
And yet...

Monday, October 24, 2011

He's Drinking Again

I haven't been on this blog in a LONG time... and secretly I think I'd hoped I'd NEVER have to be back. I know that can blog on this site even if Mr. M isn't drinking, but I think I was thinking of them as synonymous. He's not drinking so I am not blogging. I hope I don't have to blog again because that would mean he is drinking again.

But I am back, which means... you guessed it... Mr. M relapsed.

I think I saw it coming for about a month. He was stressed, angry, ungrateful, rude, unhappy... and more of these things than his normal self.

I saw it coming and I think I knew it, but didn't want to know it.
I started planning a 2 week vacation right away... not realizing that I was going into 'protect and control' mode, thinking (I think) that I could make him happy and get him recharged and stop it from happening.

He drank (vodka from the bottle) 3 days before leaving for 2 glorious weeks in paradise. Should I cancel? Should I still go?

I still wanted a vacation.
I had already spent the money and was not getting it back.
My husband was drinking and might not make it.
I was still clinging to the fantasy that maybe he would bounce right back and be OK. (Maybe THIS time it would only be a "blip" on the screen.)

In the end, I (we?) still chose to go to Hawaii for 2 weeks. He did not drink the whole time there... so it was a little slice of fantasy that I could cling to for just a little while longer.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Normal Bodies

I should've been alive in the early 1600's. Peter Paul Ruben would've LOVED me! I have the perfect Rubenesque figure. In fact, I might actually be a little too slim for him to have considered me model worthy.

I was born in the wrong era.

1600's



1940's and 1950's


Today

Today, we have to have special campaigns to give us permission to love our bodies and to be curvy. We call normal size models "plus size" models. (Why can't they just be called "models" while super skinny models can be called "minus size" or something?)

I mean, I love antibiotics, orthodontia, automobiles, technology (phones, internet, computers), and other little luxuries like refrigeration and indoor plumbing, but couldn't we have had all those things and loved curves at the same time?


Monday, March 29, 2010

My Drinking Part 2

Update/follow up to "My Drinking" part 1, click here.

I drink now. But I've reigned it in since my original foray into it and all my concerns. I probably have a drink now once every few months.

A lot of my drinking was related to my social choices. I was hanging out with FUN people who like to drink and drink a lot (and possibly unrelated, are not church/faith friends, but kids' sports friends - notoriously a big drinking crowd). they made drinking look fun and enticing. I was tired of being alone and not having fun. I wanted to be a "part of" (always on of my big issues). And I am not great at moderation in anything I like.

I stopped hanging out with that crowd (I believe God removed it from me or me from it). My kids stopped playing on their club sports teams. Mr. M came home. I stopped having endless hours to hang out. I wasn't going to leave him to go drink. he couldn't very well come along and watch the rest of us drink. So it just fizzled.

My kids don't/didn't like to see me drink. Mr. M obviously hated it. Mr. M and I are together a LOT and I wasn't going to drink around my alcoholic husband.

So on rare occasion, when I am with a couple girlfriends and no hubbies and no kids, I may have a margarita or a glass of wine. This is a rare occurrence.

So, while I am no longer sober and do not need to be, I also do not really drink.

Interesting. Interesting.