Mr. M Goes Motorcycle Riding

Mr. M went on a motorcycle riding trip with some sober guys from the program. I have been near giddy with the thought of him being gone for a few days. This is weird because all I ache for him to do is to be sober and come home. But he has been sober for 5 weeks and he is over at the house every day. But we have been fighting. He has started to boss me and the kids around about cleaning (he's a bit OCD and likes to get all "up in our kitchen" when we are not as tidy as he is). He is no longer on "good behavior" and is crankier with all of us. (You can read the few previous posts about the fight on my birthday and on Christmas Eve morning). So a little break sounded nice.

He left and it brought up feelings of grief and sadness. I felt like I did when he was away from home and drunk. I just felt sad and hurt and abandoned. I kind of missed him but not really. If anything, his absence and my grief about it made me think how TIRED I am and how exhausting it is living this way.

He's only gone for 2 nights but has called and texted and left voicemails and sent video clips of the place he is staying. He got worried when I didn't respond and tried repeatedly to get in touch with me. We finally talked for a few minutes. He was telling me he missed me etc. I felt nothing but sad. I'm just sad.

I know it hurts his feelings when he doesn't get the response he is hoping for from me. And this freaks me out because if he gets scared or sad or feels rejected and cannot deal with his feelings, will he drink???? So then I feel like I should engage more and show him I love him - to prevent him from drinking. But this is just that illusion of control. He will drink if he wants and not drink if he doesn't want. My behavior is irrelevant. I can PRETEND I have some influence if this makes me fell better to convince myself that I actually have some power in this insanity. Mr. M may stay sober a while - or forever - or he might be drunk when he comes home tomorrow. And regardless, I am just sad right now.

My Annual Birthday Saga

We made it through Christmas. It was fine.

The next day was my birthday but also Drummer & Sweetie's engagement day.

I kinda had a vision of sleeping in, but it wasn't to be... Drummer was up at the butt-crack of dawn singing away practicing the song he had written for the proposal. I was slightly annoyed for a couple minutes then got over myself and went and helped him decide where to hide the ring so she wouldn't see it.

He took off to plan and set up so he could pick her up at 9AM for their picnic.

Mr M went to a morning meeting and came over. The 2 of us went to an outdoor mall (it is 77 degrees and GLORIOUS here right now!) and had lunch and dessert then we went to shop and exchange and return.

It was crowded and chaotic.

We went to exchange stuff he had gotten me at a high-end exercise store. This was a real splurge for his to get for me... 2 pairs of exercise pants. (They typically run $100 a piece so it was a big deal.) Come to find out one pair he got me was "final sale" (for $60). I don't love them... they are not super flattering on me and for that kind of money, I should ADORE them and look like a GODDESS in them. But Mr. M - not being a shopper - didn't know that final sale meant... um... FINAL sale. He thought you could still at least exchange.

I was crestfallen.

Now he has thrown away $60.

And I got nothing.

I was super sad and also a little irritated.

He went straight to SHAME and self-absorption. It was all about him.

He couldn't be present for me at all... he couldn't hug me and say "That is such a bummer" or "that sucks" or anything.

He got mad at me for being sad. He growled loudly at me in the store. (I want to say he 'yelled' at me, but it wasn't really a yell, it was truly more of a growl.)

I am extremely emotionally fragile right now because of all that is going on; he is only 1 month sober, he is not living at home it is the holidays, we just had that big fight with him being unwilling to go to a morning meeting, it is my birthday and I am wanting a little gentleness and care. I didn't have it in me to have him attack me in public.

I left the store and booked it to the car.

Mr. M followed and we left.

We drove in silence to the beachside city where we were meeting the kids for my birthday bike ride.

We sat in the car in silence for almost the full 90 minutes until the kids arrived. We kind of pseudo made up right before they came. I will circle back around to the fight, but all 4 kids and wives, fiancees, and girlfriends came (except poor Girlie who is heartbroken she doesn't have a boy friend :(

It was absolutely GORGEOUS weather and we had a lovely ride.

Then we hightailed it down to my folks' house where we celebrated the engagement (Sweetie said "yes") with a little dessert party of about 35 people. Drummer and Sweetie gathered everyone around and told the story of how he did the surprise proposal... it was sweet and funny. Sweetie's dad gave a toast (non-alcoholic) and said a prayer (he is a pastor). It was a very nice evening. We stayed and cleaned up. It had been a LONG and full few days and I was wiped out.

But here is the thing,

EVERY SINGLE 'SPECIAL' DAY of mine, Mr. M ruins.

Birthday, Mother's Day, Anniversary, Valentine's.

He is a pretty nice and generous guy most of the time but on any day that might kind of be devoted to me, he is HORRIBLE and mean and LOOKING for a fight.

He says it is me. He says that I ruin every holiday of mine by having unrealistic expectations.

I have to look at that and ask myself if that is maybe right. And perhaps it is.

But I SWEAR he is meaner and ruder and more shame based than EVER. I feel like he is sure I have expectations that are unmeetable... that he is doomed to fail and comes in already ashamed and upset and almost creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't THINK I have unrealistic expectation. I mean heck, I am married to a freakin' alcoholic... how high do you think my expectations are???

I have 2 main "expectations" on my special days:

* A lot of times I like to do something with my whole family, if possible.

* I like Mr. to be NICE to me.

Yes, I like to go do something; a movie, a meal, shopping, bike riding...whatever... I am not picky about that... but whatever it is, please be NICE to me. But he just can't seem to do it.

So again, like always, another supposedly special day of mine was spent fighting and heartbroken. (This year I had already accepted that my birthday was about the engagement, not about me. I was DELIGHTED to get to do the birthday bike ride byt the beach and that ALL my kids would be there!!! But I still thought I could reasonably expect Mr. M to be nice to me.)

I believe it was Albert Einstein who said the definition of Insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

I think I need to make a different plan for my special days and NOT spend them with Mr. M. That makes me sad. I WANT to be with him and have a great day, but that is insanity. It is Lucy pulling away the football from Charlie Brown and him CONTINUING to give her another chance and another chance... yes, at first, shame on her... but at want point does it become "shame on him"? At what point does this become "shame on me"?