Therapy Day (2 days after) 6.12.08

I need to write right after therapy or I forget everything.

My therapist is GONE next week!!! I have been WANTING a break. And yet I am SO sad he is gone and I have to miss a week. Where is he going? What is he doing? Vacation? Going somewhere? Or just staying home with the new baby? I know NOTHING about him and his life.

We actually spent some time addressing that.

We talked about how I need money (collect it - in a pile) and how I collect friends (in a pile?). And how I need to hook people in to needing me (so they won't leave me). I am a good listener. I want people to want to tell me everything and depend on me. I want to be funny and entertaining and delightful and ____________. So they will want to keep me around. My therapist asked me how I do that in therapy (how does that come out in my relationship with him?)

I told him that I don't know anything about him... I offer him nothing. I am not funny or delightful. I probably just try to be the best therapy "patient" in the world. Maybe by crying or working really hard and facing my shit etc. So he will think I am really super great.

And each week, when I leave, there is a hatchet-faced lady in the waiting room waiting for her turn to see him. I don't like her. I had to leave because SHE wants to come in. I want to give her the "stink eye" when I walk out. (I have less a problem with people leaving so I can some in... I am some how OK with that because they are vacating so I can enter... but I have an issue with me having to leave so SHE can come in... yep... I don't like her.)

Therapy Day 2.11.08

I went to counseling today.  I told him I feel like "Johnny One Note" spending every session bawling about Mr. M.  Trust me, I have PLENTY of issues I could work on, so why am I obsessed with my alcoholic marriage and crying over Mr. M day in and day out?  Even when I am not in counseling, my heart physically hurts - like it's literally breaking - over losing my marriage, who I THOUGHT was my life partner, and the father of my kids.  

I feel like a Junior Higher obsessing over my latest crush "He looked at me... what do you think that means?", "He said HI to me, in a tone of voice that I THINK meant he was glad to see me, but I'm not sure, it COULD mean that he never wants to talk to me again."  I don't want to be that girl.  It is bad enough when Jr. Highers do it... it is EXTREMELY unattractive when adult (dare I say "middle aged" suburban housewives) women do it. YUCKY with a capital YUCK!

So anyhow, I talked about how Mr. M meets a deep need in me because I know he adores me... he loves me passionately... he loves me best.  (Of course, then I had to look at the truth which is that he really loves alcohol best, which sucks to have to honest about, but that is the truth). 

This led to how even today as (yes, I will say it again) a middle-aged, suburban housewife, I want everyone in my life to love me best.  Even people I do not know that well, or even like... I want to be everyone's favorite.  If I sense I am not, I start tap-dancing and performing to get them to like me better (tap dancing looks different for different people: for some, I will be a REALLY good listener, for others I will be really funny, for others I will be compassionate, for some I am deeply insightful etc.)... whatever I need to do to be their favorite.  

Why?  

What does that do for me?  

Where does that come from?  (It is compulsive.)  

So Therapist asks how that comes into play in our sessions.  I tell him that of course I want to be his favorite. 

I am an affirmation/approval junkie (more on this another time)... but it is that PLUS the need to be the MOST loved.  

I need you to tell me that you love me and 

I need you to think I am smart or funny or pretty ad nauseum (and I want to FEEL that perhaps I am the smartest, funniest, or prettiest)... 

Which I will never believe any way and will have to desperately fight to stay "top dog".  

Plus, I will never believe I am the best anyhow, so it will never be enough... I am a bottomless pit of need.  

GAG!  I hate these feelings in myself.

Meanwhile I am overweight (more on my eating and weight in a future post) so I KNOW I am not the prettiest.  

I am broken hearted and depressed, so I am definitely not the funniest (plus how annoying is someone who is ALWAYS funny?... and how much pressure is that to always be funny?  And how much does humor keep everyone at arm's length?) and 

I am adequately smart, but I will NEVER be the smartest.  

So WOW, I need to give up the comparison and tap dancing and just learn to BE.