Obsession With Him

I have therapy today (he cancelled last week, Why??? HELLO!  I have abandonment issues! You can't CANCEL my therapy sessions!).  

Anyhow, I will write a "Therapy Update" later today, but this morning I just want to check in.

When I talk to my friends, they usually ask "How's Mr. M?" or "What's new with Mr. M?" which seems strange to me.  

I have not talked to him in almost 2 months and cannot talk to him for another coupla weeks.  So although I am sure there is plenty of new stuff with him, I have no idea about any of it! 

Now is this an embarrassing statement about how much I constantly talk about and obsess on Mr. M and my alcoholic marriage? 

Or is it that my friends don't know what else to talk to me about?  

I'm not sure... but I know that at some of the best Al-Anon meetings, some of the healthiest long-timers, will not talk about their "Qualifier" at all... their shares will all be about themselves.  

Now THERE'S a novel concept!  

Who am I if I am not Mr. M's hurt, betrayed, abandoned wife?  

Right now - honest truth? - probably no one.  

Which is exactly WHY I need to divorce him.  

Then I am just me.  

No blaming, no accusing, no focus and obsession with him.  

No alcoholic marriage.  

Just me alone with me and my successes and accomplishments or lack thereof.  

Huh... maybe I'll try that one week... a whole week of posts only about ME... no kids, no Mr. M... just me and my stuff.  

You might just find a lot of blank pages!  

HA!

Therapy Day 2.11.08

I went to counseling today.  I told him I feel like "Johnny One Note" spending every session bawling about Mr. M.  Trust me, I have PLENTY of issues I could work on, so why am I obsessed with my alcoholic marriage and crying over Mr. M day in and day out?  Even when I am not in counseling, my heart physically hurts - like it's literally breaking - over losing my marriage, who I THOUGHT was my life partner, and the father of my kids.  

I feel like a Junior Higher obsessing over my latest crush "He looked at me... what do you think that means?", "He said HI to me, in a tone of voice that I THINK meant he was glad to see me, but I'm not sure, it COULD mean that he never wants to talk to me again."  I don't want to be that girl.  It is bad enough when Jr. Highers do it... it is EXTREMELY unattractive when adult (dare I say "middle aged" suburban housewives) women do it. YUCKY with a capital YUCK!

So anyhow, I talked about how Mr. M meets a deep need in me because I know he adores me... he loves me passionately... he loves me best.  (Of course, then I had to look at the truth which is that he really loves alcohol best, which sucks to have to honest about, but that is the truth). 

This led to how even today as (yes, I will say it again) a middle-aged, suburban housewife, I want everyone in my life to love me best.  Even people I do not know that well, or even like... I want to be everyone's favorite.  If I sense I am not, I start tap-dancing and performing to get them to like me better (tap dancing looks different for different people: for some, I will be a REALLY good listener, for others I will be really funny, for others I will be compassionate, for some I am deeply insightful etc.)... whatever I need to do to be their favorite.  

Why?  

What does that do for me?  

Where does that come from?  (It is compulsive.)  

So Therapist asks how that comes into play in our sessions.  I tell him that of course I want to be his favorite. 

I am an affirmation/approval junkie (more on this another time)... but it is that PLUS the need to be the MOST loved.  

I need you to tell me that you love me and 

I need you to think I am smart or funny or pretty ad nauseum (and I want to FEEL that perhaps I am the smartest, funniest, or prettiest)... 

Which I will never believe any way and will have to desperately fight to stay "top dog".  

Plus, I will never believe I am the best anyhow, so it will never be enough... I am a bottomless pit of need.  

GAG!  I hate these feelings in myself.

Meanwhile I am overweight (more on my eating and weight in a future post) so I KNOW I am not the prettiest.  

I am broken hearted and depressed, so I am definitely not the funniest (plus how annoying is someone who is ALWAYS funny?... and how much pressure is that to always be funny?  And how much does humor keep everyone at arm's length?) and 

I am adequately smart, but I will NEVER be the smartest.  

So WOW, I need to give up the comparison and tap dancing and just learn to BE.