Midnight Fight 2

To read "Midnight Fight part 1" click here.

Mr. M and I seem to have a propensity for fighting in the wee hours. I am not sure if 6:30AM will qualify for most of you as "wee" hours or "midnight", but trust me, in Mr. M's world, it is kinda.

So Bub comes in to the room and asks me to email/contact his Chem teacher because she has misplaced an assignment of his and it is affecting his grade. He has tried to deal with it and has gotten no resolution. I am a BIG advocate of allowing kids to work through their own struggles, but I am also a realist and I have SEEN how crappily some adults can treat kids (this brings to mind the VP in Breakfast Club - which we just watched last night because Girlie has been DYING to see it and we wanted her to have adult supervision because it IS Rated R and we couldn't really remember which parts were bad!). Anyhow, I groggily told Bub that yes, I would connect with the teacher. (I was just waking up, because that's how I roll... my kid has to be in his desk by 6:55AM and I wake up to holler "good bye".)

Mr. M, sound asleep next to me - so I thought - grumbles to life (why does he always pick such inopportune moments to sleep lightly???). "NO! You need to handle this yourself!"

"I tried, Dad."

"Well, try again. Don't make your Mom do it. Don't be a PUSSY."

At this point, I intervene because I don't like my son to be called names and I think I might have a special distaste for the name "pussy" (but when I try to reflect on which names I WOULD be OK with my kids being called, none really come to mind).

I kind of tap him to 'shush' him.

But he keeps it up and so I do it again.

Now please keep in mind, he is NEVER awake until 9 or 9:30, so I am utterly unsure how to handle this surly, hardly awake parental intruder making a rare, fabled appearance.

So he turns his rage on me "STOP TAPPING AND SHUSHING ME!!!!!!" he bellows.

Bub leaves for school and Mr. M unleashes a torrent of anger in my direction. I am caught off guard because it is so early and he is out-of-control angry. So I muster an IMMENSE amount of self-control (in my humble opinion) and let him continue his tirade and I do not really engage him... believing he will peter out and go to sleep. (I am meanwhile processing: he is one of the parents, so I shouldn't probably "shush" him, but I don't like him calling our son a pussy, so how does one appropriately handle this, etc.). He eventually DOES peter out harumphs over onto his side, grabbing a fistful of covers and dragging them with him. I relax and let down my guard and celebrate that sometimes a fight not entered into is a fight won! *sigh*

However, I spoke too soon.

Mr. M rolled back over in full-throttle lecturing mode "AND ANOTHER THING..." he roared. And that is all he got out of his mouth before I snapped. I am not proud of it (in fact I am rather embarrassed) but I simply snapped. I smacked him in the face. There is no way to make this sound even remotely OK, because it wasn't. I will say, to add a TINY bit of clarification that I meant to smack his cheek and kind of pull up short (again I KNOW this is not OK and I am not justifying it, just clarifying my intentions). It so happens thought that he turned into my slap (obviously having NO CLUE that it was coming!) so I instead thwacked him over the bridge of his nose. He did not react well to this assault.

He LEAPT from the bed and went a little berserk (deservedly so). He flung books off the book case, he pulled shelves down, he may or may not have thrown a lamp. All the while a profusion of curse words hurtling from his spittle flecked lips.

Bub had left for school. Drummer is off at college. Hacker hasn't lived here for years. So poor Girlie alone was witness to the mayhem and through our closed bedroom door, so she HEARD it all and did not see it. I came out and said goodbye to her as she left for school and I was kind of turned away, hiding my face because I guess I did not want her to see me crying??? (Yeah, cuz the rest of it is all OK.)

Shortly thereafter, I apologized to Mr. M for hitting him. He apologized for freaking out and destroying the bedroom (which he promptly cleaned up). We made up and life was good.

Later in the afternoon, Girlie called to confirm "Mom? Can you still take me and my friends to the mall?"

"Yes Sweetie. I committed to you and I am still planning on it."

"OK"

I took them to the mall, they shopped for their school costume day. Life goes on.

It was about a week later that my appointment with Dr. came (yes, I am STILL seeing him). I sat down and proceeded to tell him about our fight fight and though, while it was ugly, we resolved it pretty quickly and well. And then I realized (with no prompting from Dr., I am proud to say) that I had never debriefed with Girlie.

So although a week had passed, when she got home from school, I brought it up. "We never talked about how you felt about that fight... if you were scared or upset..."

Large tears began rolling down her face.

YES!, she was upset.

YES!, she was scared.

I don't know if kids who grew up in an alcoholic home hate it more than kids from non-alcoholic homes, but she hates it when we fight.

So we talk about her feelings and I listen to her and I feel badly that she has been carrying this around for a week... poor little thing.

Then I feel obligated to tell her that while yes, Dad freaked out and crashed the whole bedroom, it was not entirely his fault. I am not eager to share my ugliness (I am embarrassed), however neither do I think it is acceptable for Mr. M to always be the out-of-control bad guy (even though that is WAY better for my martyr self-image). I tell her that I smacked him across the face.

"YOU hit HIM???" She is flabbergasted "I thought HE hit YOU!"

So she had heard the smack and then him cursing and slamming around.

Then I came out to say goodbye and turned my face away... she thought it was to hide where he had hit me... which is why she had called that afternoon to confirm that I could actually still take them (truth be told, Mr. M actually DID have the teeniest black eye - ACK!). So I had to admit to my daughter that it had not been her Dad who had hit, but her MOM. No, Daddy has NEVER hit Mommy. Yes, he is an alcoholic and yes, we have a LOT of dysfunction (and obviously, anger issues), but no, dad has never hit mom.

She was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relieved. And I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I had remembered to talk about it with her even a full week later.

I am hoping there will not have to be another entry entitled "Midnight Fight 3", but my guess is there will be.

Fear, Control, Faith & Trust

Coming soon...

Long Time No See

It has been a long time since I have been here. And yet, looking through it, it still feels like home. I stopped writing when Mr. M came back home. But I shouldn't have. I am chronicling a journey.

That journey includes relapses and binges and my grief and trauma and my anger and fantasies... but it wasn't ONLY that. It was also my therapy journey. And the periods of rest and peace and joy.

Right now Mr. M has coming up on TWO YEARS SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is awesome. Life has been SO good. Everything I fantasized about. (No - not perfect. Still fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. But "normal" fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. Not heart-wrenching, death-defying, constant crisis, survival mode.) Isn't THAT worth writing about too?

I PRAY he stays sober (right now - as I type - he is with his sponsor working on his 8th step - "made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"). If he does, that will be awesome - and our mental health, marriage redemption journey is STILL worth writing about because it is still a learning, growth process.

On the other hand, if he were to relapse, it would be so nice to have a record of both the good times and bad HERE on this blog. A record of my growth - and regression (hahaha!).

I'm going to TRY to pop in a write more regularly.

For now, an update:

I turned 40. Mr. M & some girlfriends threw me a party. It was hard to accept all that love and attention and effort. I tried to just relax and allow it. It was awkward and uncomfortable... yet nice.

Hacker met a girl and is getting married (all within 13 months of cross-country dating from date of meeting to wedding date). Even though they are 4 years older than we were when we said "I do", I am worried and have all sorts of advice and warnings, he does not appreciate my spiritual gift of control that much :)

Drummer went off to college. We had to have financial help (70%) from family. We are doing one year. Don't know if the money will be there to do more. But what a BLESSING one year has been. I just saw a facebook post written at 4:40AM. Is he sleeping at all? Is he going to class? Is he doing his homework? Is he getting good grades? Hmmmmmm... do you see a theme of control and worry?

Bub got his driver's license. Need I go into any details about my fear and control there????

Girlie is a hormonal maniac (it is definitely genetic, I was a FREAK at her age). As I parent her, it is SOOOOOOOOOO much work and she pushes us away and yet we push through it and stay in relationship with her and continue to act "as if" with her (as if she is still pleasant, as if she is sane, as if she didn't just say she hates us etc.). We love her and rejoice in her great, sane moments. As i do that, I feel sadness for how much my own parents were not able to offer that for me when i was a psychotic teen... yet how much I needed it. Some of it was fear on their part, some laziness, some misunderstanding, some irresponsibility, some ignorance. But whatever the reason... I needed someone to love me enough to tough it out with me and contain my anger and not abandon me and still be brave enough to be tough and parent me. I feel sad for the 13 year old girl that was me in 1982 who did not get that and yet I am SO grateful it helped me be equipped to give that to our daughter.

My business is doing well - even in this economy. (I need to write an entire post about gratefulness. I am FILLED with gratefulness - and yet I still live in a LOT of fear of losing everything... I need a whole ADDITIONAL post about FEAR!) God has provided enough income for this season through MY job that Mr. M could quit his miserable job of 15 years with his toxic employer (who WAS patient and merciful though, through all Mr. M's ups and downs) and started his own business - after one year sober. It is growing and starting to establish itself. (Unlike so many alcoholics, Mr. M is not one bit lazy and has an AWESOME work ethic when he is sober... so this is not a "pretend to have my own business" set up... he is working his BUTT off... I am so impressed with him.)

I have SO much more to say about my therapy - future post.

About how much growing up I have had to do in letting go of Mr. M in my alcoholic marriage - even in sobriety and starting his own business and going to meetings and parenting, etc.

About friendships.

About parenting.

About my own parents.

About money.

About God.

About learning about my own flaws.

Wow... there are my next 9 posts all laid out for me.

See you soon.

Keep on keeping on.

xo

The Diet - Part 2 and update

Well, it has been MONTHS since my last update and the beginning of our diets.

We eventually adjusted to our crabbiness and settled into the routine. We ate healthier and made wiser eating choices. I continued walking around the lake (3 miles) 5 days a week. My caffeine reduction did NOT go so well and I am still clinging to my full-fledged addiction.

I have lost around 30 lbs. and have about 25 to go. I am already MUCH happier with how I look! Mr. M is down to 222 lbs. and does not want to lose any more. He just wants to keep lifting weights and getting BIGGER at the gym.

We went on a 2 week family vacation at the start of summer and I utterly and entirely did not watch a THING I ate (well, except to WATCH it go INTO MY MOUTH!!!). I did not gain anything back, thankfully, but I sure as heck did not lose. We have been back 3 weeks now and I am having trouble getting back into the swing of things... it is REALLY hard. Again, I am not gaining, but I'm not losing. I have been good the last 3 days or so. Hoping I will have more discipline. I am hoping by Christmas I will be where I want to be. (That seems a LONG way off!)

HOW ARE WE DOING IT? - calorie counting pure and simple.

Eat less, move more.

Calories in/calories out.

Less input/more output.

I get 1500 calories per day.

Mr. M gets 2400 calories per day.

Update on our Fam:

Mr. M is still progressing nicely in his sobriety.

He has 16 months.

It is not perfect.

I still get very fearful and suspicious and controlling.

Drummer had his birthday party and we had 40 old teens/young adults over and Mr. M disappeared and didn't tell me where he was going (at 10PM). He sauntered back in a little bit later and I was a little panicky and accusatory. He was ashamed, hurt and pissed so he did not comfort me or assuage my fears. He acted all cavalier and like I was over-reacting and "what's the big deal". this was all SUCH old behavior and did nothing to quell my fears. We were able to talk it out and work through it and he admitted he was ashamed and embarrassed and wished he could go to the store without me freaking out... but he realizes it is HIS past behavior that puts us in that position. Blah blah blah. We shall see, you know? In the meantime, I am powerless over Mr. M and my life is unmanageable.

I am still in therapy and I STILL feel like I am growing and making progress... so as long as that is true, I will keep going.

The kids are doing well.

Hacker is planning a mission trip for several months to Africa.

Drummer is getting ready to head off to college *sniff sniff*.

Bub is about to get his driver's license.

Girlie is an emotional roller coaster - teenage girls... CRAZY!!!

xo

THE DIET - Part I

I am hungry.

Mr. M Moves In

It has been a LONG 3 years.

Because that is such an understatement, I am going to say it again.

It has been a long 3 years.

And actually longer than that.

I just found OUT that Mr. M was drinking 3 years ago but he had been drinking for a couple years before I found out.

So, it's been a long 5+ years!

I told Mr. M he could move back in when he got a year sober and finished his 4th & 5th steps:

#4  - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
#5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Well, he got his year sober and did steps 1-5.

So he moved back in.

The transition didn't happen over night though.

When he had several months sober, he started spending one night at home.  Then after a couple more months, it was 2 nights.  Eventually we hit 3 and then even 4... he would spend the whole weekend.  So we didn't go from cold turkey to moving in.  

But I was surprised to find that it was still nice to have those couple days a week as a "pressure release valve".  Getting away from each other was nice and a way to keep us in the "honeymoon" phase of his recovery.

When he moved back in, all bets were off.

He suddenly wanted his end table back.

He took up half the bed and wrestled away the sheets.

He took back half the closet.

He started bitching about my messiness (he is the neatnik of the family).

We started marriage counseling (we need it!!!).

We were doing pretty darn well, in my humble opinion and it was all good until THE DIET.

Calorie counting, hunger, detoxing from bad eating (and diet cola) and trying to be a loving married couple do not go together.

More on THE DIET coming soon.

Politics & Jesus

I have actually been thinking and re-thinking about my stance on my faith and my politics.

In my state there have been many gay Marriage acts up for voting over the years.
So far, the "conservative" vote has prevailed.
I have always been on that side.

I believed that gay couples have most of the same legal rights as married couples and can't marriage just be lieft the way it was originally conceived and defined, for hetero couples?

As Gay Marriage has been repeatedly been voted down, the gay community (and increasingly, the non-gay community) has begun to see the Christian community not for its awesome values and loving heart but for its "hatred" and political power (putting Bush in office etc.).

Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and my views have not changed... Biblical truth is ALWAYS true... it does not change "like the shifting shadows" (from the book of James in the Bible). And I believe the Bible says practicing homosexuality is a sin.

But more and more I am believing that being a Christ-follower is LESS about politics and more about just following Christ.

As Christians LOVE others and SERVE others and LIVE OUT Christ's commands in a quiet, loving, obedient way... our ACTIONS will shout out the difference and we will not need to shout our our beliefs.

Jesus (when he was on earth) focused on LOVING sinners... we never saw Him getting involved in politics of the day. He just went about His business of loving, saving, and healing people.

I think Christians more and more are perceived as HATERS who are AGAINST things - Although I know this is the agenda of anti-Christians, to make us look this way, they do not need a lot of help, we do it to ourselves.

Specifically with the gay marriage issue:
#1 - It is VERY difficult to have a logical non-Biblical reason for not allowing gay people to get married... and since most Americans do not necessarily believe in the bible any more, this is a tough pill for more Americans to swallow. "Gay marriage is wrong because the Bible says so." Many responses now-a-days would be "So?"

The Bible says it is wrong, therefore Christians say it is wrong, but people who do not believe the Bible cannot be expected to think or feel this way... their "right' and "wrong" are not absolutes and do not come from the Bible.
#2 - Some gay couples may look & act more loving than many hetero couples.
#3 - Sadly, hetero marriages can no longer be said to be "forever" with divorce and remarriage rates being SO high now,
#4 - Sadly, "Christian" marriages do not look much better than secular marriages with divorce statistics,
#5 - All denominations of Christians are being lumped together and even Christianity itself is being lumped together with other religions (mormons etc.) in these conservative issues which make use harder & harder to tell who is who - CONFUSING for non-Christian. (Heck, it is confusing for the Christian community!!!)

#6 - While I may believe the practice of homosexuality is a sin. I am a sinner too. ALL people are sinners (if I'm human, I am a sinner.) Jesus died for ALL sins and sinners... Jesus has redeemed ALL sinners and loves us all and offers us all forgiveness and wholeness and a way out. THIS is the message I would MOST want the gay community to get from me and my fellow Believers; LOVE. Period.

I am beginning to think that perhaps we (as Christians) should back of from the political arena with a lot of Christian issues and simply LIVE it in an uncompromising way.
Let the dark be dark... let it become blacker and blacker and then let the LIGHT of God shine even brighter in that darkness ("And they'll know we are Christians by our LOVE.")

Let "this little light" of ours shine in the growing darkness!

Does this mean Christians should stop running for office? - NO.
Does this mean we should not vote our conscience? - NO.
Does this mean we should just allow ALL manner of evil to occur? - not necessarily (although it already is occurring... and We - Jesus' Church - just look like we are HATERS).

For example, abortion is not just a sin, it is also MURDER.
This is not just a morality issue.
If we lived in Germany during WWII what would our call have been in the slaughter of millions of innocent jews and disabled and political criminals?!?...

To quietly love Jews and hide them and smuggle them out?

or to stand up against evil and risk our own lives to save them?

Was this about HATING the Nazis or about loving the Jews???

And what about slavery?
As Christians, this was about the value of life and human worth in the eyes of God.
It was worth a civil war and an underground railroad... it was not just sin... it was about LIFE being sacred.

This is the way I feel about abortion... we need to do with abortion what we should have done with slavery & the holocaust.

But I would err on the side of being lovers who are FOR Christ and FOR people and Christ-followers FIRST and protesters and marchers and "haters" who are "against" abortion last.

Again, I have not necessarily "landed" any where yet... these are just things I have been ruminating on lately.

Love & Peace.