WARRIOR

Just watched the movie "Warrior".

It is the story of a family torn apart by a father's alcoholism.

The violence and pain separates and estranges the family as the brothers move through life separately - strangers.

They are brought together in an epic "winner-takes-all" MMA battle.

The dad (Nick Nolte) has 1,000 days sober as the movie opens.

He has so much wreckage from his past and his sons - ion their different ways - can't forgive him.

As you can imagine, I had a ton of thoughts and feelings during the movie.

I won't tell the story in case you haven't seen it and plan to, but let's say that I bawled like a school girl - especially during the last 10 minutes or so.

In one scene, I was SOOO angry with the dad. Doesn't his son (now an adult) EVER get to be angry and have feelings? Can't his dad ever be a grown up and let someone else not be ok?

Aaaaaaaarrrrggghh!

So much pain and hurt and heartbreak and, as I said, wreckage.

So sad. So unnecessary.

I couldn't help but reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the effects on my kids.

Cathartic?

Probably not.

And now I am emotionally drained.

Heading to bed.

Keep on keeping on...

Baggage

Last night Mr. M and I kind of had a blow out.

We both have a lot of expectations (which are - as the program teaches - resentments in the making). Mr. M was bringing up things like that I bought a dog against his wishes (even though he SAID yes) 8 years ago. He is angry and embittered that he doesn't like how I raise the kids and that he has no say because I "wear the pants".

I told him that I don't WANT to wear the pants and I didn't WANT to parent the kids alone. I wanted to be in partnership with someone but half the time when I turned around, he wasn't there.

He said all I have done since his dirt bike accident in attack him and be angry.

I told him that yes, I am angry but that I also tried to tell him that I GO to the angry place because that is what I know how to do.

So I have TRIED to TELL him that I am scared and sad.

He said he heard my words but doesn't believe me because I am so angry.

He said that if I want him to believe me, I should try crying.

I don't DO vulnerability and neediness easily. And in OUR circumstances, that hasn't been terribly safe either.

I am not a person people meet and feel drawn to protect and take care of - I have a very competent and confident exterior. I seem like I have it all together and don't need anyone or anything. I do not inspire protectiveness or care.

I told Mr. M that I wished he could see past my exterior and take care of me.

This struck a nerve in me and I was crying a lot... tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping off my face.

I am not one to make a big show of this "Look at me, I am crying!"

He wasn't really looking at me.

He didn't SEE me.

He said he was angry Drummer is so out of control and that HE would just kick him out. (If I was the kind of person who did that - kicked people out when they behaved badly, Mr. M would've been gone LONG ago, so he should watch what he wishes for!).

He started crying out of regret for how he was responsible for not being here for all of that.

We started super angry but ended in a more truthful and sad place.

So much baggage from such a long time together...

Last Nerve

Mr. M is in pain and under slept (due to pain). He is frustrated and angry about his injuries. He is scared that they will not heal well and quickly. He is frustrated being so dependent and not being able to drive. He is baffled that I am angry/hurt/scared over his accident. He is mad I will not give him more sympathy and compassion. He has no clue really why I would think I would need any sympathy and compassion too... I mean sheesh! I didn't get in an accident! He is walking around with this pissed off chip on his shoulder. He is simply a BEAR to have in the house. He is on my last nerve. I am regretting letting him be here, but I didn't see a ton of alternative... and he is NOT drinking (yet... although I suspect that is on the horizon).... and it WAS an "accident". And yet, I cannot muster up a ton of sympathy and I AM exhausted (emotionally) and sad and scared and in many ways - Done.

Last night he and Drummer had a big blow up at midnight.

Drummer has some anger issues. He is very explosive and aggressive. (Drummer is living her this year, working and saving money before he gets married - don't even get me started about my concerns about his anger issues in a marriage - ugh!).

They were screaming at each other. Drummer threw a thing or two. Drummer ended up storming out. He was yelling in the front yard at midnight. (Can you say "white trash"?) A lot of anger was spewing out about Dad's drinking and his anger about that.

Mr. M said he is packing his bags and leaving in the morning (now today). That really WOULD be better. Let's see if he really does it.

I have such mixed feeling about this.

If I really picture my life without him I am so torn.

PROS

Less stress,

Less fear,

Less hurt,

Less turmoil,

Less abandonment.

I am on my own and I know it... no delusions of partnership.

Free to find someone to love again (hopefully).

More peace in the home.

CONS

I will be totally alone. (Not I am 75% alone... but that 25% must have some value or I would be gone.)

I don't know how to repair all the stuff Mr. M does... I will have to learn or pay money and hire someone.

I will be 100% on my own financially with no illusion of help. (When sober and living at home, Mr. contributes well.)

No one to share the burden of parenting with occasionally (when he is reliable).

When (if) Mr. M sobers up, he will BEG me to rethink and come back... he will look good and act great and be adorable and cheerful and be the man I always WANTED to be married to. Everything in my will respond to this... I will be DEVASTATED again to have to say "no" to what I wanted all along. I will have to FORCE myself to remember the drinking, the abandonment, the anger, the fear. But I will be irrationally hopeful that THIS TIME he will stay sober and I will actually get what I always wanted in this relationship...

What if no one loves me again?? I love love. I love being married. I love hugging and holding hands (not to mention other stuff :) I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be alone. (I am so angry and sad to be in this place.

Isn't it weird that this dirt bike accident - not even alcohol related - spun me into this place? Yet, it makes sense because it is highlighting the selfishness and abandonment and self-absorption that is here even when he is not drinking.

Mr. M Update - Plus a Little on Laughter

Am I just numb or am I starting to accept my sadness as a part of life? (Is it possible it is like if one lost a limb they would grieve and grieve for a while and then start living again and learn to live with that loss in a new way?) Some of both, methinks.

What I didn't mention in my last post about Mr. M's dirt biking accident was that I had just had lunch with a group of 6 girlfriends (celebrating one friend's birthday)... we had stayed and laughed and gabbed so long that I rushed straight from there to meet two other girlfriends for dinner! (I had made several plans since Mr. M was going to be gone all weekend :) I was just walking in to restaurant #2 when Mr. M phoned, lying in a crumpled heap on the desert floor convulsing with shivers from the cold night air as darkness closed in around him and they waited for their buddy to come back with the truck. I expressed my concern and sympathy and made sure he was going to the hospital and asked questions like "Are you OK?????" and "Is there BLOOD?!?" and "Are any bones sticking out at weird angles?". He said he would call back and I went in to the restaurant and had a lovely evening with my friends. (The next night I had dinner with another girlfriend from Junior High and she hung out until 1AM!!) At dinner, I shared with my friends about Mr. M and my anger and fear and grief. Another friend shared how badly their business was going and how hard it is to struggle financially for so long... she cried a bit about how many vacation memories they have not been able to make because they never go anywhere because they are always waiting for "next year" hoping things will be better and they are not.

I have trauma and crisis in my life and so do others:

I currently have a friend whose husband of 26 years left her for an old high school crush devastating their 2 children who are now not speaking to him.

Another friend in my support group's husband has been having emotionally intimate conversations on the phone with a woman whose husband just left her... he thinks he might be in love with her and has told his wife - my friend - that he might want a divorce. their devastated daughter has started dabbling in drugs and sex.

Another friend of mine has a daughter with severe cerebral palsy, an adult son with extreme mental illness (he has been in jail and mental hospitals, he gets on medications, gets better, gets out, and realizes he is fine and gets off the meds only to slip back into the clutches of his mental illness). Meanwhile, her husband has had 2 neck surgeries and is not feeling any better and her mother (85) is having massive health problems and moved in with them!

My other friend's husband is 52 and is having memory issues like he makes her eggs for breakfast and then 20 minutes later of she wants him to make her some eggs... she is terrified for what this means for their family and their young 12 year old son.

One of my friends just lost his 12 year old daughter to cancer...

Need I go on?

There is a LOT of sadness in the world. I don't know a lot, but one thing I can tell you for sure; this is NOT heaven! There is a lot of pain and suffering and grief here on this planet. But life goes on. We can curl up and die or keep living. I am super sad for myself and my circumstances and I am brokenhearted for my suffering friends (and these are just a few of them!). But I am amazed at our resilience and HOPE. We cry together (I am not very good at this but am working on it) and we LAUGH together (I am VERY good at this :)

Oh... how we laugh!!!

And it is healing and cathartic.

It is not fake. We are not pretending we are not sad. We are sad AND sometimes there is humor even in the sadness (Dark humor? The lighter side of grief?) The sadness is true but so is the laughter.

So, while it has been a rough few days (and I have a lot of feelings I am still hashing through with Mr. M's latest escapades), it was also a fun few days... I enjoyed my friends and my kids and yes, even my life. It was - as Dr. would say - "abundant" (full of everything).

P.S.

Update on Mr. M is that his friends took him to the hospital and dropped him off. He called when he was done HOURS later and they picked him up. He didn't want to ruin their trip so he said he could just stay the 2 miserable days and nights in the trailer while they all went out riding all day. I could've offered to drive the 3.5 hours each way to pick him up, but didn't and only felt 5% guilty (not bad! ;) They brought him home sunday evening. (The kids and I had just finished a delicious mexican meal with my parents who brought dinner over.)

He was a mess... he was sick - they think from eating something bad - and vomiting and the "runs". (I let hims stay the night in case it was a symptom of an internal injury, I am still keeping an eye on him.) His right arm IS broken. We have to take him to the Dr. to have a more permanent cast put on this week. Not 100% sure what is wrong with the shoulder... the Dr. said to wait and bit before having it checked (this seems weird to me?!?!?). His tailbone and back are still killing him. He has deep cuts and scabs on his arms, elbows, and knees. His helmet is thrashed but it seems to have done its job protecting his brain (thank GOD!).

I undressed him and helped bathe him and am letting him spend a few nights. I did a load of his laundry and am being polite. He is terribly sad that I seem angry with him. He just doesn't get it: "It was an ACCIDENT, Babe!" I tried to explain. He says he gets it but he is very self consumed (he is in a lot of physical pain, plus me being mad at him brings emotional pain, plus I think he was quite scared and I am not offering a lot of comfort, which is my usual role... a lot of new stuff going on over here...)

Mr. M Goes Dirt Biking

I am angry and posting only to vent.

Mr. M left on a motorcycle riding trip today with some sober friends.

I think I may have mentioned before my torn feelings about this 2nd trip in a 30 day period for him.

On the one hand I am happy for him having sober fun doing something he loves, taking time for himself, and developing friendships with some guys with long-term sobriety.

On the other hand, I feel kind of bitter because he just took 2 months off of LIFE, drinking himself to near death in a motel etc... so I am kind of like "Now is your time to think of others and be around to help your wife and kids who need you".

But then i cycle around to wanting him to have good things and GO and then I am pissed that he is going. etc etc etc etc etc.

(This is an internal dialogue... to HIM, I only said that I had mixed emotions and briefly told him why.)

Anyhow, what I did NOT say was that I am not a big fan of dirt biking.

It is expensive - bikes are expensive and they break a lot.

It is dangerous - the guys like to ride "balls out" as they call it, and even if YOU are safe, a lot of other people drive drunk and crash into you.

So this evening, I get a call from Mr. M.

He says he has crashed and has totalled the bike he bought the day before from a friend (turns out the bike is fine, but this is what he thought at the time). He says he f**ked up his shoulder really bad. He has rocks imbedded in his elbows and knees. One buddy is staying with him, the other one is racing to go get the truck and come back. It is getting dark and they are in the middle of no where. Thank GOD the friend has a GPS and can mark the spot where Mr. M is so he can actually FIND him when he returns with the truck!

The friend come back to get him eventually - after about 1.5 hours of Mr. M laying in the dirt in the dark in the freezing cold.

They take him to the hospital.

he has a broken right arm and a thrashed left shoulder (torn tendons and ligaments, it looks like). His back (he had spine surgery last january) is spasming and goodness knows WHAT injuries are there!

This man has no life insurance and no disability insurance. He is jeopardizing our family again - for sport! (I have forgiven him much when he is in his addiction but to do this in addition feels inexcusable to me right now.)

Now he has a bunch of new medical bills (we have a $6k deductible and then percentages up to $10k).

He is injured terribly - both arms - so he will not be able to work.

Is he going to expect the KIDS (Hacker & Wifey) to nurse him and take care of him?

Am I expected to? I don't want to or intend to, but I feel badly dumping that on Hacker & Wifey (although that is THEIR choice - they can be responsible for themselves and I can be responsible for me).

The kids heard the news and got quite scared and upset (Drummer most of all, poor guy).

Please let me say for the record that I was kind and compassionate to Mr. M on the phone. I said all the right things. I was just not FEELING compassionate. Later in the evening when he called from ER and wanted to talk about the bills and how fast he was going etc., I DID say I was angry and later that I was not paying the bills.

Girlie overheard this (my fault - we were in the car) and seemed mad at me.

I told her I had been nice all evening and was just expressing a little of my frustration.

She said "It is none of my business" and did not talk to me any more tonight.

I THINK she is in shock over and over again by the fear of losing her dad. He has NO IDEA what he does to her, jeopardizing himself like this.

I am not like crazy angry.

I am numb.

I am tired.

I am running on empty.

I have NO margin for this emotionally.

I do not feel compassion... I only want to leave him.

I do not have the emotional wherewithal to deal with his self-centeredness.

Don't know how long he I can do this...

(PS - Don't even get me STARTED on his pain and needing pain killers and my fear of that spinning him down the road of addiction... I don't even want to OPEN that can of worms!!!!!)

"An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination"

Maybe I shouldn't be reading this book right now.

Maybe it is "courting" sadness.

Maybe I should be slapping a smile on my face and focusing on the positive.

But that is what I have done my whole life - package away grief and be a "good girl" and not make others uncomfortable.

Suck it up and solider on.

So I am reading it.

And I am BAWLING (ugly faced, mascara running bawling).

And I am laughing.

At things like the "dwarves of grief" which I excerpted here.

It is a woundingly lovely memoir of grief and loss.

It is like an anthem to grief.

A tribute to loss.

I am filled with love for this sweet woman who lost her full term son, Pudding and her willingness to bring us in to her heart and world and share him and her grief with us. It is so intimate... so generous. I love her honesty and I love HER for laying herself bare. I cannot BELIEVE she GOES there. That she remembers this (hasn't blocked it out, is willing to expose it) and will recreate it on the page. Then the fact that she can do it so deftly and lyrically and doesn't use language to distance and protect but to invite and draw in. I am in awe of her writing and her spirit. It is humbling because I am so aware of how out of my grasp this feels - for so many reasons.

But can I just say that if you have ever LOST someone or grieved or suffered, her story (Elizabeth's and Edward's story) will resonate with you. It is so HONORING and tender toward loss and suffering.

I will leave you with one small excerpt from page 132:

"Of course you can't out-travel sadness. You will find it has smuggled itself along in your suitcase. It coats the camera lens, it flavors the local cuisine. In that different sunlight, it stands out, awkward, yours, honking in the brash vowels of your native tongue in otherwise quiet restaurants. You may even feel proud of its stubbornness as it follows you up the bell towers and monuments, as it pants in your ear while you take in the view. I travel not to get away from my troubles but to see how they look in front of famous buildings or on deserted beaches. I take them for walks. Sometimes I get them drunk. Back at home, we generally understand each other better."

I am not trying to make too much of my sadness or to compare it to hers - or yours - but I AM grief stricken over Mr. M's relapse. I feel like 23 years of grief and loss that I have been stuffing are throbbingly present right now, welling up and overflowing after YEARS of being denied. I am facing the LOSS that has accompanied Mr. M's repeated binges and disappearances and thefts and absences and job losses and abandonments (of me and the kids), not to mention the terror of if he would live and how I would be able to provide all by myself. This time as I stop denying and honestly look at my loss and pain, I have come face to face with the fact that I don't know if I have it in me to do this again. I am heartbroken and tired and grief-stricken. I might end up having to get a divorce. This will be a death of sorts - the death of a marriage and of a dream and of the future I THOUGHT I would have. (I KNOW I will have a wonderful future with new dreams, but this one will have died.) If I don't get a divorce, I have to face the fact that in 5 or 10 years (or in 10 minutes), it is highly likely Mr. M will relapse again and I will be blogging these EXACT same thoughts and shock and betrayal and abandonment all over again. Only this time, I will be 47 or 52.

I feel GUILTY and "BAD" writing this because I feel like in Recovery you are "supposed to" think positive and practice acceptance. But although it may not SOUND like it, this grief I am allowing myself to feel IS acceptance. I am accepting myself - warts and all. I am accepting the reality of my past 23 years. I am accepting that if I stay with Mr. M, my future will likely (not certainly) include relapse. And as sad as it feels, it feels kind of good - as I have mentioned - honest.

I am afraid if I am morbid and sappy and negative, YOU might not like me. But then I think SHEESH!!!!!!!! What is the freaking POINT of this blog if I have to be a people pleaser here too?!?!?! For goodness sake, this is my blog and no one has to read it if they don't like the way my mind works or don't like me. I do MORE than enough people pleasing and tap dancing in my off-line life to last a few lifetimes. So HERE... here on my blog, I will run the risk of not being YOUR definition of 'healthy' or wise or loving or accepting or positive or "in recovery" or "Christian" or whatever.

This is MY issue, no one else's... but I started realizing I wanted to edit what I wrote to be more uplifting and inspirational, humorous and insightful - whatever. Then I thought "THAT is not true" to where I am right now. It is not true to me and therefore it is unkind to me. So if someone were to visit and read my blog and not like it or me then I need to LEARN to tolerate my discomfort with that. If that is you, it is OK. You are allowed to not like me or my writing or my emotional place. I am not super emotionally ok with that. But I am not OK with Mr. M's drinking... and JUST like with his drinking, I am POWERLESS over you & your opinions and my life is unmanageable when I fret about it and try to control and manage your opinion of me. So I will ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you visiting or not visiting my blog, liking or disliking my blog, liking or disliking ME), the courage to change the things I can (Me and only me) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

A Weekend Away

I went out of town for the weekend with a girlfriend.

It wasn't just a pleasure trip but it was still very nice.

We were checking her son back in for spring semester at university.

The 3 of us drove up together for 6+ hours of non-stop gabbing!

We spent a lot of time stocking up the dorm fridge and running errands and hanging out with college kids (adorable!). We ate at many marvelous restaurants including a funky ice cream shop with fun, wacky, creative flavors like "lemon praline pinenut" and "saffron coconut" and "chicory whiskey" and "maple bacon".

It was good to get away and "play".

It was good to chat and be frivolous and not worry about anyone but myself (my friend had to worry about her son, but I didn't :)

It is hard because it creeps into my mind to worry abut Mr. M. He often escalates in drinking behavior when I am gone (a case of the while-the-cat's-away-the-mouse-will-play syndrome???). So it is a TAD hard with my controlling (fear-based) nature to leave and know that is a risk. But it was good to go and to open my terrified grasp and believe that if he is going to drink, he is going to drink. Me being here to guard him might prolong it, but it will only prolong it, not prevent it.

So I can't say that I didn't ever think about it with worry or concern, but I didn't let it stop me from going or enjoying my time. (And I didn't excessively call and check in either :)

I'll call that a bit of growth...