Today I called Mr. M at 8AM.
His counseling appointment was at 9AM and I was not-so-subtly checking to see if he was up and about and still planning on going or drunk as a skunk and soon to be out on his butt.
He was bright-eyed and bushy tailed... he had been up for a while and had eaten breakfast and was already up near the counseling office.
He went round & round about if he should do therapy with our marriage counselor or if he should start with someone new.
He was hesitant because she is a woman... he thinks that is "inappropriate". I think it eventually kinda came out that he was maybe a little attracted to her. I was a little hurt/bruised, but the reality is that it is completely NORMAL to be attracted to your counselor, Dr., boss, etc. When you are vulnerable and trust someone and they act trustworthy, that is attractive. Almost all little boys go through a stage of wanting to marry their Mommies (and little girls, their Daddies).
On the other hand, we have history with her.
She knows him.
He trusts her.
He has opened up with her before.
He wouldn't have to start from scratch.
She knows me, she knows our pattern and dynamic.
She knows what she is working with and he is long past the 'putting on a good facade' stage.
She wanted to makes sure I was OK with it... that I wouldn't feel like she had abandoned me and that she had chosen him or aligned herself with him. I said I think I feel pretty safe and OK... and I am in therapy and have somewhere to go. Although, in writing this, for the first time, I am a TINY aware that there MIGHT be some feelings of me giving up something good for someone else because that is a "good girl" thing to do. (I still feel great about the decision, but there was a little of that there, so that would be something to explore).
All that to say, after all that, he decided it might be ok to go to her. He called and she still had our appointment held for us for this morning (God-cidentally).
He called me afterward and said he cried the ENTIRE time. He said he used like 20 tissues. He said he had tears and snot running down his face. He said she cried too and that made him feel like he mattered and that she wasn't just in it for the money.
Overall, he said he was exhausted and drained but felt good.
He was super aware of how much help he needed and how broken he is.
(On a sweet note, he said he was able to close his eyes and envision God sitting next to him on a park bench and felt God's sadness and compassion... they sat quietly for a while... he didn't feel condemned or judged. This was the first time and it was all new news to him! That seems like a little - or maybe not so little - breakthrough!)
Then Mr M looked at 2 sober living homes and was very discouraged. He has a couple more to look at, but he is really feeling low to be even LOOKING at this again as a 40+ year old man. (I feel him! I didn't think I would be doing this again as a 40+ year old woman! - Discouraging.)
My own therapy appointment was more low key, after last week's sobfest (my last week was like Mr M's this week). So I didn't go after it as hard and Dr. gave me a pass.
We did talk about my fear of being left or being alone and how I organize my whole life to make sure people don't leave me. I was sharing about a friend who has really been attaching to me and opening up to me and how much I love that and then yet I feel "dirty" because although there is pure, open love for her in it, I could also see a little of my dysfunctional fear peeking through in that if I can make myself essential to her and she NEEDS me, then I will have secured our friendship... my value in her life assures me I won't get left. I HATE seeing/realizing that. Ugh!!!!!!! (And of course, I couldn't help but relating that back to Mr. M - if I am in a position where he depends on me, he will always come back to me. Shoot!)
Again, it sometimes feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back...
