I am probably going to close down my blog soon because of my recent diagnosis... and I don't want my kids to find it years after I am gone.
January 2 I went to the hospital with a headache and shortness of breath.
I have a brain tumor.
Deadly.
Maybe12-18 months.
I am heartbroken. Crushed.
I don't want to miss my kids' lives.
I don't want my kids to get older with no #1 fan... everyone needs a mom!
I don't want my grandkids to grow up never having MET me.
I am sad and mad with God because my kids already haven't had a dad for so much of their lives... and even when they DO, could they COUNT on it? (No.)
My feelings are hurt for them - their dad is an alcoholic who has missed half their lives and left them in fear... why does their MOM have to get brain cancer?!?!?
(BRAIN CANCER!)
Yes, I am terrified and heart broken.
My feelings are hurt.
I am mad.
I am exhausted and frightened.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
Transitions
Hacker & Honey are pregnant, due in the spring, and last month just moved 2 hours away for an entry level job in the career field he wants.
Drummer & Darling just got married and are relocating 60 miles away, but with traffic, it will be closer to the 2 hour drive mark.
Bub is in college across the country.
Girlie is home but looking at colleges across the country for 18 months from now as well.
These are all GREAT reasons to leave me!!!! I raised them to do these things. I WANT them to spread their wings to fly!
But being a Mom is my best thing.
I didn't fully appreciate it when they were little.
I kind of rushed them along.
How I WISH I could tell my younger self (just 17 when I had Hacker) to slow down and TREASURE those moments more completely. I had NO WAY of knowing how FAST they would speed by and be over.
It was Christmas and we just had them all here and it was wonderful.
Then they were gone.
Off to have their own lives.
I love my parents but they are not primary... my husband and kids are.
Now I have become auxiliary. It is healthy and good... the way it's supposed to be. But I don't WANT to be auxiliary.
Don't get me wrong, there are some DELICIOUS things about sleeping in, being selfish, not having to go to the grocery store as often, having some quiet here & there, being able to only take ME into consideration, getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, watching what I want on the TV, not hearing loud blaring music etc., but there is only so MUCH of that one wants. I WANT to be inconvenienced and needed and interrupted and connected.
It makes me think of these poems/musings I have heard over the years... get some tissue:
"Song for a Fifth Child:" ~By, Ruth Hubert Hamilton
...Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs.
Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby.
Babies don't keep.
One of these days you’ll explode and shout to the kids,
“Why don’t you grow up and act your age?”
And they will.
Or “You guys get outside and find yourself something to do,”
and “don’t slam the door”
And they don’t.
You’ll straighten their bedrooms all neat and tidy;
toys displayed on the shelf;
Hangers in the closet; animals caged.
You’ll yell, “Now I want it to stay this way.”
And it will.
No more plastic tablecloths with stains of spaghetti.
No more dandelion bouquets.
No more iron-on patches.
No more wet knotted shoelaces,
muddy boots, or rubberbands for ponytails.
Imagine a lipstick with a point!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drummer & Darling just got married and are relocating 60 miles away, but with traffic, it will be closer to the 2 hour drive mark.
Bub is in college across the country.
Girlie is home but looking at colleges across the country for 18 months from now as well.
These are all GREAT reasons to leave me!!!! I raised them to do these things. I WANT them to spread their wings to fly!
But being a Mom is my best thing.
I didn't fully appreciate it when they were little.
I kind of rushed them along.
How I WISH I could tell my younger self (just 17 when I had Hacker) to slow down and TREASURE those moments more completely. I had NO WAY of knowing how FAST they would speed by and be over.
It was Christmas and we just had them all here and it was wonderful.
Then they were gone.
Off to have their own lives.
I love my parents but they are not primary... my husband and kids are.
Now I have become auxiliary. It is healthy and good... the way it's supposed to be. But I don't WANT to be auxiliary.
Don't get me wrong, there are some DELICIOUS things about sleeping in, being selfish, not having to go to the grocery store as often, having some quiet here & there, being able to only take ME into consideration, getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, watching what I want on the TV, not hearing loud blaring music etc., but there is only so MUCH of that one wants. I WANT to be inconvenienced and needed and interrupted and connected.
It makes me think of these poems/musings I have heard over the years... get some tissue:
"My Hands
Were Busy" ~by Anonymous
My hands were busy throughout the day
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to.
I didn't have much time for you.
I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And ask me please to share your fun,
I'd say: "A little later, son."
I'd tuck you in all safe an night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light,
Then tiptoe softly to the door...
I wished I'd stayed a minute more.
For time is short, the years rush past...
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play,
No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear...
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to.
My hands were busy throughout the day
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to.
I didn't have much time for you.
I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And ask me please to share your fun,
I'd say: "A little later, son."
I'd tuck you in all safe an night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light,
Then tiptoe softly to the door...
I wished I'd stayed a minute more.
For time is short, the years rush past...
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play,
No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear...
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to.
"Song for a Fifth Child:" ~By, Ruth Hubert Hamilton
...Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs.
Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby.
Babies don't keep.
"WET OATMEAL KISSES" ~by
Erma Bombeck
The baby is teething;
The children are crying.
Your husband just called and said “Eat dinner without me.”
The children are crying.
Your husband just called and said “Eat dinner without me.”
One of these days you’ll explode and shout to the kids,
“Why don’t you grow up and act your age?”
And they will.
Or “You guys get outside and find yourself something to do,”
and “don’t slam the door”
And they don’t.
You’ll straighten their bedrooms all neat and tidy;
toys displayed on the shelf;
Hangers in the closet; animals caged.
You’ll yell, “Now I want it to stay this way.”
And it will.
You’ll yell, “I want complete privacy on the phone — no
screaming!
Do you hear me?”
And no one will answer.
Do you hear me?”
And no one will answer.
No more plastic tablecloths with stains of spaghetti.
No more dandelion bouquets.
No more iron-on patches.
No more wet knotted shoelaces,
muddy boots, or rubberbands for ponytails.
Imagine a lipstick with a point!
No babysitter for New Year’s Eve.
Washing clothes only once a week.
No PTA meetings or silly school plays where your child is a tree.
No car pools, blaring stereos, or forgotten lunch money.
No more Christmas presents made of library paste and toothpicks.
No wet oatmeal kisses.
No more tooth fairy.
No more giggles in the dark, scraped knees to kiss
or sticky fingers to wash.
Washing clothes only once a week.
No PTA meetings or silly school plays where your child is a tree.
No car pools, blaring stereos, or forgotten lunch money.
No more Christmas presents made of library paste and toothpicks.
No wet oatmeal kisses.
No more tooth fairy.
No more giggles in the dark, scraped knees to kiss
or sticky fingers to wash.
Only a voice asking – “Why don’t you grow up?”
And a silent echo — “I did.”
And a silent echo — “I did.”
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Countdown to T.Swift
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Baby that Made me a Mom
25 years ago - when I was just 17 - I fell in love (true and real love) for the first time.
With my chubby, angel-faced baby, Hacker.
I had never loved anyone or anything how I loved him.
I wanted to be a better ME for him... he deserved my best.
And oh how I tried to be amazing for him.
I succeeded a lot!!!!
I also failed miserably a lot of the time.
I did some great things and tried really hard not to shame and to encourage and to not compare and to champion. I also yelled and slapped and dominated/controlled him in my immature parenting.
Plus I was dysfunctional in dealing with my alcoholic marriage and my own codependency and my insecurity and fear and self-protectedness and disconnection (in order to protect myself) and shame and inability to let myself feel feelings (for all of the above reasons).
He was a SWEET SWEET kid.
He had some rough teen years and we actually even had to send him away for half a year to a 'troubled teen' school.
But he righted himself and went back to being the SWEET guy he'd always been.
He is an extrovert like his Mama.
He is a pleaser (also like his mama).
He is kind and loving and fun.
He always tried to be chipper and not make waves... I am sure he will have a hard road of learning to be allowed to have feelings and NOT be pleasing and to accept his frailties (just like I did/am).
He is married and they are getting ready to have their first baby in the Spring.
And now he has taken a job that he is thrilled about - 2 hours away!
It is a good move for him.
It will be awesome for him to stretch his wings and for them to get more autonomy as a couple and a growing little family.
I am happy for them.
And I also know it's not THAT far.
All that said, I am teary as I write this.
He is a delight to my soul and I love having him near.
I love that he just pops by and hangs out... and I love that he now brings his wife to do it with him.
My family has grown and my heart has expanded.
I don't WANT them to be far away... I am sad.
All the above feelings are all coexisting at the same time in me.
I am happy AND I am sad.
And MAN am I gonna miss him.
With my chubby, angel-faced baby, Hacker.
I had never loved anyone or anything how I loved him.
I wanted to be a better ME for him... he deserved my best.
And oh how I tried to be amazing for him.
I succeeded a lot!!!!
I also failed miserably a lot of the time.
I did some great things and tried really hard not to shame and to encourage and to not compare and to champion. I also yelled and slapped and dominated/controlled him in my immature parenting.
Plus I was dysfunctional in dealing with my alcoholic marriage and my own codependency and my insecurity and fear and self-protectedness and disconnection (in order to protect myself) and shame and inability to let myself feel feelings (for all of the above reasons).
He was a SWEET SWEET kid.
He had some rough teen years and we actually even had to send him away for half a year to a 'troubled teen' school.
But he righted himself and went back to being the SWEET guy he'd always been.
He is an extrovert like his Mama.
He is a pleaser (also like his mama).
He is kind and loving and fun.
He always tried to be chipper and not make waves... I am sure he will have a hard road of learning to be allowed to have feelings and NOT be pleasing and to accept his frailties (just like I did/am).
He is married and they are getting ready to have their first baby in the Spring.
And now he has taken a job that he is thrilled about - 2 hours away!
It is a good move for him.
It will be awesome for him to stretch his wings and for them to get more autonomy as a couple and a growing little family.
I am happy for them.
And I also know it's not THAT far.
All that said, I am teary as I write this.
He is a delight to my soul and I love having him near.
I love that he just pops by and hangs out... and I love that he now brings his wife to do it with him.
My family has grown and my heart has expanded.
I don't WANT them to be far away... I am sad.
All the above feelings are all coexisting at the same time in me.
I am happy AND I am sad.
And MAN am I gonna miss him.
I Make Mistakes
Perfectionism looks different on different people.
For some it shows up in perfect hair, perfect body weight, perfect home, perfect children.
One way it shows up in me is my pleasing. I can be a chameleon and lose myself to make you happy so you will like me and if you like me you won't leave me and I won't be alone.
There is not margin for mistakes - if I fail to please you, that could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and causes you to leave me.
So when I make a mistake I am FLOODED with shame and fear.
Mistakes are lethal.
When you link together my work (MONEY, my greatest fear area) and mistakes, I can go from zero to 60 of panic in milliseconds.
My mistake will not please my client and they will leave me.
And their leaving me will not just leave me alone, it will also take MONEY with it so I will be alone and will not be able to take care of myself.
I will be alone with no money.
I have convinced myself that I would at least SURVIVE if I was alone (it would suck, but I would LIVE).
But deep down, I do not believe I can survive without MONEY.
I just made my third BIG mistake with a third client today.
My human weakness and fallibility is KILLING me!!!!!!
SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I can't be trusted to protect myself and keep myself ok, who CAN be?!?!?!?!?!?!
If I can't be trusted to protect myself and keep myself ok, who CAN be?!?!?!?!?!?!
I am trying to be compassionate with myself; "You are human" / "Everyone makes mistakes"/ "You are allowed to be flawed" etc. I am not being super mean to myself and I don't THINK I am shaming myself a ton, so that is kinda new, but I am still PANICKING! I am not ok. I feel terrified and exposed and alone.
Slogging through all this emotion is painful.
I want to numb it or medicate it or something (a drink, a xanax, french fries, ANYTHING). I am trying to just lean into my feelings and to tolerate the discomfort. That is why I am blogging right now... to just be present with my feelings.
Sometimes feelings suck.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
ANXIETY!!!!!
I have through-the-roof anxiety.
It is about nothing specific and yet everything at once.
Dr. says it is like "birthing pains"... stuff I have been holding down for so long pushing its way to the top. But the anxiety is another layer it needs to push through.
He said the dream I had about Mr. M loving someone else - and the FEELINGS it brought up - is probably at the root.
THOSE feelings of devastation... abandonment... rejection... not being loved... aloneness... being left for someone more lovable... fear... loss... the DEPTH of those... the profoundness of that loss... that is the stuff I have been burying for years (almost 43, to be exact).
UGH!!!! I do NOT want to welcome those feelings or lean into them. So I can SEE where the anxiety comes from.
I am NOT ok.
I am unwell.
The level of anxiety I am experiencing is making me quite exhausted because I have this constant adrenaline pumping through my body and my heart is racing. So I feel like I am tense and stressed ALL DAY. This fear of loss and not being ok and not being loved and my kids leaving me or something happening to them or Mr. M drinking or leaving me of me losing clients... all the things that would make me NOT OK.
And I am caught in an impasse.
I do not want to move forward into the pain I am avoiding but neither can I leave it this way.
It is about nothing specific and yet everything at once.
Dr. says it is like "birthing pains"... stuff I have been holding down for so long pushing its way to the top. But the anxiety is another layer it needs to push through.
He said the dream I had about Mr. M loving someone else - and the FEELINGS it brought up - is probably at the root.
THOSE feelings of devastation... abandonment... rejection... not being loved... aloneness... being left for someone more lovable... fear... loss... the DEPTH of those... the profoundness of that loss... that is the stuff I have been burying for years (almost 43, to be exact).
UGH!!!! I do NOT want to welcome those feelings or lean into them. So I can SEE where the anxiety comes from.
I am NOT ok.
I am unwell.
The level of anxiety I am experiencing is making me quite exhausted because I have this constant adrenaline pumping through my body and my heart is racing. So I feel like I am tense and stressed ALL DAY. This fear of loss and not being ok and not being loved and my kids leaving me or something happening to them or Mr. M drinking or leaving me of me losing clients... all the things that would make me NOT OK.
And I am caught in an impasse.
I do not want to move forward into the pain I am avoiding but neither can I leave it this way.
Bad Dream
I dreamt last night that Mr. M cheated on me. The dream SEEMED to last forever.
I was HEARTBROKEN! (Just like I am when Mr. M relapses.)
I SOBBED and sobbed throughout the dream.
I didn't try to hold it together in front of friends and others I just pulled the blanket up over my face and cried. (NOT what I do.)
I thought of ways I could finagle to make it work, stay together, fix it (exactly what I do when I find out he is drinking/using again).
All the feelings we profoundly the same.
But there was even a new level of loss because there was another woman.
She was pleasant and appealing (not super hot, not super young, nice body though) and I could see why he was attracted to her.
He felt bad and tried to apologize and make me feel better but he wasn't necessarily trying to get back together.
I was walking across the street with my heart BREAKING and sobbing and I said to myself "You told yourself if he ever did this to you again" - referring to how I feel about if he drinks again - "you would be done. You weren't doing this again. You have strength. You can leave. You do not need crumbs." That resonated with me and I knew it was true. many times I have longed to be free and felt bound. (More times I have definitely wanted to stay and been abandoned.) I made a decision, walking across that street to hold my head high and stop groveling and be done.
I woke up at this point.
I was SOOOOOO tremendously sad.
It is devastating to think of losing something I have worked SO hard to keep alive for SO long... to have to finally give up and throw in the towel.
I snuggled over in bed next to Mr. M. He semi-awakened (very unusual) and hugged me.
I told him I had dreamed he loved someone else.
He asked if that was why I was hugging him.
I was melancholy and anxious all day. Because I emotionally felt like I had lived through another relapse.
This is the loss we live with when we love addicts and choose to stay with them.
Staying can be emotionally exhausting work.
One day at a time... Tonight Mr. M is sober and tonight he loves me, not someone else.
I was HEARTBROKEN! (Just like I am when Mr. M relapses.)
I SOBBED and sobbed throughout the dream.
I didn't try to hold it together in front of friends and others I just pulled the blanket up over my face and cried. (NOT what I do.)
I thought of ways I could finagle to make it work, stay together, fix it (exactly what I do when I find out he is drinking/using again).
All the feelings we profoundly the same.
But there was even a new level of loss because there was another woman.
She was pleasant and appealing (not super hot, not super young, nice body though) and I could see why he was attracted to her.
He felt bad and tried to apologize and make me feel better but he wasn't necessarily trying to get back together.
I was walking across the street with my heart BREAKING and sobbing and I said to myself "You told yourself if he ever did this to you again" - referring to how I feel about if he drinks again - "you would be done. You weren't doing this again. You have strength. You can leave. You do not need crumbs." That resonated with me and I knew it was true. many times I have longed to be free and felt bound. (More times I have definitely wanted to stay and been abandoned.) I made a decision, walking across that street to hold my head high and stop groveling and be done.
I woke up at this point.
I was SOOOOOO tremendously sad.
It is devastating to think of losing something I have worked SO hard to keep alive for SO long... to have to finally give up and throw in the towel.
I snuggled over in bed next to Mr. M. He semi-awakened (very unusual) and hugged me.
I told him I had dreamed he loved someone else.
He asked if that was why I was hugging him.
I was melancholy and anxious all day. Because I emotionally felt like I had lived through another relapse.
This is the loss we live with when we love addicts and choose to stay with them.
Staying can be emotionally exhausting work.
One day at a time... Tonight Mr. M is sober and tonight he loves me, not someone else.
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